We talked about them with Dr Jacqui, told her how he was the only warmth and then he went cold to. Told her that because we didn't want to forget it all we would repeat anything we managed to form in our head over and over, it's used in programming when they want you to remember something completely out of context. We were worried that because we might of repeated the same word or phrases about the baby being the only warmth it made it less believable. She reassured us on that. We were seeing a man taking a baby out of arms when we couldn't do anything but pretend to be a asleep he suffocated her and then put her back in our arms. The ring members would then punish us for the death of the baby. Not that we noticed. We wouldnt be able to stop thinking about the baby and how there was nothing these people couldnt do to another. Of course our eyes were closed the second time after we woke up and sat up said something like "No" the first time.
We were going to try and tell her some of this but she asked us about the babies crying and if we had to keep them quiet. Her eyes were accusing and steely she said much later she had no idea how much she had failed to hide her feelings. She certainly isnt the first person or therapist who has said that to us. Your all obvious to us people. She says she worked with male offenders in prisons we wondered if she looked at them like that. We couldn't let the littles look into her eyes when she does that. We were going to try and push something verbal out but we were shocked by a brief flashback. We has to hide from her further and knew better tell her what just happened because she would be assuming we were getting flashbacks of us silencing a baby in some horrific way. It was Bill. In one of his nastiest states. He had work in the morning. He generally doesn't have any patience for registered bairns what like most folk he is worse to the unregistered. He stormed in. We couldn't stop the baby crying. He snapped her neck and handed him back.
There was so much of that handing the limp and wasted body back to whoever tried to protect her.
We made sure we wouldn't let it go. We ran it over and over in our head until it was possible to know it and whatever was going on around us, to us in the present until the horror and brokenness turned to rage.
Back in therapy we think it was maybe one of the moments when she started to move away from thinking of as an a abuser. Started questioning what other clients and police were telling her. We don't know if what was of those moments when one of our grown ups came out and told her to back the fuck down stop triggering our littles, start acting like a professional who doesn't share what clients say with other clients and keep her preconditions out of the "safe" space. We carved out safe corners like when we out and little and got her to read 'oh the places you will go' and other times but it was no safe space. They got there before us. Gabe was already in there, ever word worked out by ring members and handed over to him and his addictions for heroin and child rape. The room smelling of him when he had been part of the gang terrorising and torturing me and the lad in the flat. We sent him away at times it was that bad. Everything so shut down we here still have no idea where to.
She did seem genuinely concerned that she had been the final for us dispute our determination not to abandon the bairn the rings which is sure to happen if we died but are not completely convinced that it was just self interest.