February 19, 2016

Breathe

Breathe in confidence in ourself and our completeness.
Breathe out how it feels to be a child that is locked up for constant abuse.

Breathe in the love we have known in seconds that washed away months of horror.
Breathe out having made up to hurt us medical records that say we are years older and than we are.

Breathe in each tiny and huge step away from torture.
Breathe out believing its all we will know now.

In and out of triggered states and tears lots today but there has been moments that were brighter like when our period started and hormones shifted. Played lots of SuperMario. We woke up junior after we turned off the alarm clock that makes nature and other relaxing sounds at an ear splitting volume and neither of us even know if its even possible to turn it down. We were awake anyway because we drank too much red wine the night before and couldn't sleep. He came in to out bed and we felt so cosy with him there and so awful at thoughts of taking him to school and not taking him to school until we switched off and dozed for a while. He never went in.

All the years of knowing we couldn't stay where we were and couldn't get out either are pounding down on us.  We have made an appointment to see the GP we think was quite good and will be asking to be put on antidepressants. Its not until a week on Monday. We might start emailing others therapists to maybe go and see once we are back on the pills.

We could of handled the single parent on benefits thing but there was never any plans to just leave us be, we could be doing so much better by junior but they had to have more, had to take more had to make sure that we didn't feel safe not for a second. Stupid & ugly & pathetic. Its hard to comfort ourself with the fact that we are not abusers when they are everywhere and well placed.

Not in this house though, unless we turn on twitter or the TV of course but they are relativity easy to turn off. Ns not coming back and we don't feel they need to try and prove any points with him we just arnt tough enough to be around people who respond to us the way he does. The family have died or are estranged and the denial dams are leaking, cracking or collapsed. Of course we feel like we are drowning. There are already signs that we are starting to pick ourself up from recent traumas in terms of how much house work gets done or that we have been using relaxation apps.

He's here. The rest arnt. We wouldn't be betraying them if we felt better but how do we process it all without even a shoulder to lean on.

"We will be fighting for you"

We can only do the best we can even if it isn't enough until we can do better.

No comments:

Post a Comment