..dear reader..

we did this to your mum to and we will do it to your daughters when they are your age. We will make you help us keep them alive for us to rape . Can you understand what we are saying there. Slavery by birth. Involving and protected by the highest levels. Can you see why mute and ignore people think that is somehow "not surprising" or the NWO. They get eight and nine year olds pregnant for the porn, ask us to sing to our already raped unborns and tell them our stories of trying to get to safety and market them. Put our words in our rapists mouths and tell us to be thankful our work is being appreciated. Satanic trafficking. Borne out of empire and the hate and the greed and the hopelessness that breeds. But how will that help us survive tonight. How will that help the children survive the extremes of pain they are keep them in. It was always part of the scene but some seemed really invested in it. It was devastating. Particularly when literally true but even when it wasn...

We know that if we could die from missing someone it would of happened by now, when we went from great and good places to some of the worst. When our stomach had to adjust from a varied and fresh diet to one that wasn't. When we went from being seen and being loved to not. There was some brilliant Christmas's in the bunker wasn't there? And birthdays to. Even when grandad turned up and some other mean fuckwit kids had shot us in the stomach with an air rifle. It ended up being a pretty good birthday. We remember Christmas morning sitting on the floor eating candy playing some game we had told them it was cool for them to sleep in. Our mum of one of our mums pretended to still be asleep when you called outside. It wasnt like anyone was going to be just passing. It was always so good to see you when there was no abusers around. We remembered hearing the chopper when we were ha!f asleep a day or two ago and we knew how far away it was and it was something or someone good. T...

Rose . Its Rose. Rosa came about because we were going to say our name was Rose but then remember it was probably best if we didn't let people know we could remember. Her hair was mousy brown? Is that right? We can't remember being told her name. They wouldn't let us hear it.

There is no way we have put enough humiliating details in that form. We never mentioned that the before our period starts is common that we can't function for weeping. We forgot to mention the infected cysts. Dad they are probably gonna demand we go to an assessment when we can't do it to ourselves. We have lost that young and alive positivity that believes that just by leaving the house we have increased the chances of something good happening for no reason other than being young and alive. Even when we knew it wasn't true not for us and maybe not for anyone we could still feel the possibility at least but after Dundee and us ending up here broken and alone like we had barely fought at all, for the child abuse and the cover ups and the careers of people like Jacqui to continue like no one knew.. Anything is possible you were always better at believing that than us. We just believed in you and mum of course and that helped us believe that other people might also be worth ...

Tuesdays . We hoovered, opened up the new hose on tried it out in between hail storms, ordered clothes for me and dude from BHS, had a bath period starting hence the energy levels and the pain levels, smoked, ate salt and chilli ribs and chips for tea. drinking wine, taking a break before going back to whatever hes watching on cartoon network. Brave of us some would say to be publicly declaring the start of our cycle after what we have been saying. Not scared though. Too full of food and drink and weed. Really bright again this morning. Margo would of loved what we've been doing with the garden. It burned that we couldn't do anything last year. Sure we wrote and repeated the lines to Jacqui about reasons why things were so hard but we knew it was fear. Fear of what would happen to the kids we cant get out and fear that doing what we needed to do here would fuck up what was ongoing for those we could help. You know, they know and we know they know how much the waste and cheapne...

I wasn't sure about them but they did seem different and things were awful so we listened to them. They were different they told us what they could tell me and what they couldn't. They weren't obviously drunk, high, dissociated or lying. They listened. We associate them with outside the back of Logiebank the most. Not sure how often or for long we talked to them before they showed us the tape. It wasn't on for long before we started puking, or collapsed or screamed or all three or something. They turned it off which was a bit of a surprise to some and started calming us down we think we can see one of them over our knees one of the women, two or three others. Think its the same people who told us to "forget he's there" about the guy doing the recording and as they weren't already involved in everything didn't realise how literarily we would take it. They found out later on think the guy who did the recording told them we talked a lot to him. He w...

We don't put the bathroom light on and shut the door. For a moment we catch ourself wishing we were back there. Not that we miss the rape and torture but the darkness in between with maybe just the outline of the line visible in the darkness if were being held in Skene, Dundee, Jersey or some other domestic type location. We remembered how our brain would play with that rectangular outline or just the line if that was all that was visible trying to keep itself alive. No responsibilities, no hope, no feelings at all just darkness. We were like plants they wanted to flower. We heard someone say if there was any light at all it didn't work. The Todd's liked us positioned so we could see the line of light though so we wouldn't forget where we were and that we belonged to them. Ffs how many ppl can we possibly belong to?

We've clean jammies on. They've been on the line since yesterday so they smell great. Was there phonecalls on Sundays and that was partly why they were so awful. They had to make sure we didn't take them in or in any condition where we would be fighting to tell the truth. For many of us you were something we knew there was no point in trying to have anything to do with. There was too many sick cunts interests involved and they were well connected and rich enough to keep things as they were. You were just something else that some rapists talked about and some other rapists told us to not talk about when we couldn't if we wanted to we didn't understand words lots of the time. The only reason any of us wondered if there was any truth in it was because we were told to never mention it too many times. Sometimes we would keep seeing your name printed and would be so grateful if it didn't trigger whose name it was or what it was written on. What good was knowing that ...

So wish we could do more. We are just hurting ourself though oh we will just bend down or scrunch ourself up to pull up these weeds oh we will just pick up this big pot of earth and move it over there oh more watering .. Ow. Ow. Ow. We kept an old promise to the lad that if we sat in pee when we went to pee he would instantly lose the living room. Currently on the coach with comfies with Malcom in the Middle on while we humpfs through the glass on the landing. After a while he gave up and went outside and did some weeding, came in saying he was proud so we let take his DS. We are keeping the couch and the big TV for know. There is enough cash to order pizza, too weepy sore to clean & cook. Glad there has been plenty good decent weed this week. Made the gardening more possible and fun.  Thinking about the assessment form. Figure we have better shot if we write as much as we can, provide a sheet or two of extra information, remembering the kind of questions that were asked t...

Hi Dad, We are OK. There was sunshine, yesterday & the day before so we were out in it, throwing seeds around, pulling up some weeds and sitting there soaking it up. Its not so warm today but we ordered some plants that came today, violas, sweet Williams and some other things we can't remember name of. Glad to fill the hanging pot with the pink flowers and the bright coloured Spanish one with some of the violas on it and hang them. There is lots of seedlings that we don't know what to do with except try and not kill them for now. We have lost that unmanageable heart brokenness at the thought of being here never mind longer that was so fucking awful last year. Not that we feel at home or settled just that our mental health and shock levels are better. At least if we are stuck here alone there will be some flowers to look at. Tried to get Pabs involved but he wasn't interested and punished us for attempting to involve him.. We think of you and what you would feel and s...

We didn't think there could be a goodness that could match the horribleness or love to match the hate but there was. I'm so sorry about yesterdays title. I know you know its our way of working through all the crap but still we hate it. You were the only mum we could of had, you never expected us to act normal and wouldnt tolerate us acting and we needed that so much and always will.  When things were at their worst it meant all the crap that was forced on us when dissociated would fall away and we would remember you and who we were, the bunker, the smell of damp waxed canvas and sweaty blokes, the taste of tin.. home.. There was no better place for us and we only doubted it when we felt like a burden and we were always talked out of that. Summers in the hills were the best. Its so hard writing this. I dont want to remember them separating us from you or what its like when they have us locked up or locked in. We know there were times when we decided we would never remember you ...

How do you empathise with people who demand love or friendship or support or money after they have tortured you? You can't and they show signs and say how they get a bigger kick out of torturing someone who who doesn't want to torture back, kids who feel for others the most, adults with an inbuilt revulsion in response the loss of human potential. The rich black abusers in the states, Mr Harris are on our mind a lot.  Taylor to but not so much from the beginning and we both little kids we said she didn't have the IQ to survive or to really get at us after and the hold her partner had on us is because shared time in the Scottish rings and the DJ scene so he had a lot more training in ways to get at us. We faired better when we stopped being scared of what he knew about what had been done to us and who we were and all the horrible people he associates with. He brought up our "real mum" in what looked like a desperate attempt to push us back under think he said what...

There is times when we can appreciate this. We are not beyond sabotaging them though. Of course not it might of been half a year or more since the last session with Jacqui, since we let the programming run its course at Grahams and propositioned our rapist son who thankfully had been sufficiently warned off. Its not like he can lay a hand on us without it all coming back up for us anyway sometimes in very literal ways. Over three months till we found Margo with her teeth half in and the paramedics asked us to preform CPR and her scum bag horror story of a brother walked in. The absence of abusive relationships on a day to day, personal level, is slowly stating to sink in. The fear that we would be crushed by the past unravelling is gone. Not that the horror can really leave but the hold of the people who were there and who put us there starts to crumble. That was last night. Latter on that night we getting stuff that was about a mother who is an abuser and not white skinned, part o...

Princess puss wakes us purring as loud as he can, clawing at the flannel sheet like we fear he will shred it and trying to roll us out of bed with his head butts. We shout threw Pabs and tell him to throw him outside and hope at some point later that he doesn't interpret us to literally. Doesn't look like much will get done today. We are back to bare essentials when possible and that is enough to make us weep. The gabapentin doesn't get us moving like it did in the beginning it just makes us happier to be immobile. It is just going to get sore whenever we do anything anyway and we have no tolerance for it at the moment. Although the contents of our head is opening in ways we fought so hard for its still for it all not to feel irrelevant. That's the abusers talking, the PTSD, the depression and isn't necessarily a reflection of reality. Miss Adam. Lots. And the rest. Where there is skin tonne differences it distance from them feels worse which makes us need them mo...

You will never be safe with anyone from the rings. You will never know anyone who isnt in the rings. If we dont already have them we will bring them in. Its hard to believe otherwise when the worst of them are so well placed and we see the nick of others. No one here would be able to look after me here even if they wanted to. Then come the voices in agreement so we listen but then we spot the triggers that tell us these are not voices we should listen to. They are about to tell us that we have no option but to give up and to push the point by taking us back to sometime of horror that create a part that is still there frozen and unreached by the rest of us. There are much few of them than abusers normally realise. They know there has been plenty of extreme traumas but they dont know how good we are at reaching them or letting someone else reach them. We have some well worn pathways and routes between catatonic states and pissed off survivor. The balance between being so tired of it a...

We know what to do, just come here. Try and push some more of it out, ease some of the pressure. Yes thats a reference to torture. Cant blame him for going where he felt safest. Believing the people who seemed most believable. Kind of left us in some very serious shit though. How are we going to reach them after that. They turned inwards when he ran out of there. His ass in the designer jeans legging it out of there is the last thing they ever want to see. We can work round the problem, help out the rest of but they remain fucking devastated and the memories of the time they spent with him turned sour and we cant tell if that is because of how they feel and how they were conditioned to interpret events or because the moments and relationships themselves were sour. Panic attack first thing. A phonecall from the school, just about his attendance resulting in a compulsory letter, NHS correspondence requesting we make an psychiatrist appoimtment, the neighbour who helps at the local chari...

Dont know what to write but wanted to. To say something in place of conversations and help. To say we remember some of your names. That things we felt could never feel real when they were so far away or long ago are now just part of us and always have been. Its not me that had recognise them, its them who have to recognise me. They have been here a lot longer. I'm just something I made up to keep to bastards away from those that have been here the longest. Of course they are grateful but they are also going to be resentful its hard for them to not feel like we are in their seat. Sure they know we would love to get the fuck out of that seat and its not our fault we got stuck here, I fought as hard anyone else to stop them isolating and then freezing us.  As did everyone who loves us but we were willing to give up on living and it was always so close so often and that is terrifying. Which is why I am here. That terror would kill us if it was all forced on a couple of parts who the ba...

It isn't last year but it feels like it. We are so cocooned. Sorting through the truama or we just doing what we were told. Feeling exactly what they told us to feel. Waiting to see by which parts are out and what they do who hurt us the most and therefore owns us. It doesn't run as smoothly as has done. That's something. To stop us from being ourself though and help them keep that switch in place, that's so damaging to us. If that's what you did. We can never be sure of anything when we are to scared to be ourself and we can't be ourself some of the time if we know you are going to try and control our core. That's taking away our life. What's the good in figure in out what was done by an abuser and what was done by another victim the relationships are dead anyway. Not that people ever think of themselves as being in relationships if they are abusers or victims they just see games that might get them what they need or want. Jacqui didn't look happy ...

Write through the pain. It does help.   We hassled dude to heat up our hot thing and earlier we forced him outside on his scooter. He wasnt out long but we heard him put it back where he found it when he came back in. Dreading Sunday night, the battle to get us to get him to school again. Almost every morning. Sometime we wake up ok but its so rare. There was lots of programming that we figured was probably unnecessary to stop us from being able to shake that off. Especially without anyone around. We dont need minuet detail programs telling us to feel bad about bad things that have happened. The crying and wanting to cry on waking. It often seems linked to be little and dreaming about being back somewhere safe then waking up and realising where we actually were. Before we learned and were taught how to stop programming from working so well. Then theres being older and dreaming about being safe with our babies and waking up and they werent there. They can program your dreams. The...

Post peroid non functionness. The living room hasnt been hoovered in ages so its increasingly under ash, scraps of cardboard and cat hair. The junk food wrappers have been kept to a minimal. Its at its burny stage. When we go from being messed up and confused at the sight of blood to messed up at being in so much pain without blood. It is sinking in that the pain isn't going to go away and I guess we have Jacqui to thank for helping us accept it and Elaine and her besties for making it true. We do wish we could name the supporting males as easy, not just Deek and the Aberdeen blokey abusers but the middle class fuckers. We certainly have given it ago in the six years of writing and getting other people to write here. The nasty split is still there, the fictional Scottish family and the staged life connected to it that is "home" and everything else. We know we can go back and forth between the knowing what is complete bullshit and feeling connected to a world and people o...

Been thinking about you a lot. You may or may not be aware.  It was the right decision to not see each other back in the Summer if it still wasnt possible to stay in touch since then. We strugglying so badly maybe it wasnt. You were safer out of it. A lot safer. No. We arnt remembering your name yet. Any part of it. Someone keeps shouting it but they are being shouted over. We just want to run up to you and show you how excited some of us are to not be seeing Jacqui or anyone anymore. We are glad dudes room is something to be proud of not just for him and us but because we dont need to feel ashamed at the thought of you seeing it anymore. Not that you judge but you would know how much it bothered me because we talked so much.  The positive side of being stuck/trapped in with someone. Not talking to each other isnt a longterm option. We are sliding into cyncial now, thinking about how if it wasnt for the severe capitivity and torture with other people maybe our trust issues wou...

Not just the cancelling of the referral to Dundee but the writing about the risk to Gracie and Tommy that would cause the risk to Gracie and Tommy. It was a bloke we are seeing telling us this, from here we would say he is the counsellor but we keep seeing the GP as well. The location is fuzzy in a way that we know often means there is serval locations and different ring members repeating the same shit. You do know that most of the content of the most of the blog post was programmed 10 20 years ago and we werent fighting it coz we were in a place where we didnt think it was possible that we would be here now? He got that inpatient look we saw in blokes a lot. Who by? You put all that effort into making sure we cant know who we are then ask questions that we could only answer if we really knew who we were. Your as bad as Jacqui. Think he got really nasty here and the second time with the second similar bloke tried but we were expecting it and knew they were having communications is...

Mums , Dads and everyone, It really is "there" - how it all felt. All of it. Jacqui said its all too much for any of you to ever understand or to not also be destroyed by but we know that's not true. None of them ever really knew us. Not for long anyway. Its the worst injuries in recent years that are being processed at the moment. Someone supporting us said writing, speaking and thinking in ways that when we did in front of Jacqui made her face twist and freeze at the same time when its safe is a good way to go healing wise. Past fucking tense. No more Jacqui. No more Johnstons. Cancelled the "Dundee DID NHS counselor " appointment. Contradiction in terms. Like Angus based Ritual Abuse and Trafficking charity, or rich classes paying tax or investigations into organised child abuse in British institutions by British institutions. Winters end. We know this and can even believe it sometimes. When we are distanced from the realities of the injuries and the capt...