April 20, 2016

We have the best Mum ever.

We didn't think there could be a goodness that could match the horribleness or love to match the hate but there was. I'm so sorry about yesterdays title. I know you know its our way of working through all the crap but still we hate it. You were the only mum we could of had, you never expected us to act normal and wouldnt tolerate us acting and we needed that so much and always will. 

When things were at their worst it meant all the crap that was forced on us when dissociated would fall away and we would remember you and who we were, the bunker, the smell of damp waxed canvas and sweaty blokes, the taste of tin.. home.. There was no better place for us and we only doubted it when we felt like a burden and we were always talked out of that. Summers in the hills were the best. Its so hard writing this. I dont want to remember them separating us from you or what its like when they have us locked up or locked in. We know there were times when we decided we would never remember you to protect you and how you looked after me from them but it hurt you too much.  You were right, spending as much time even if it was just minutes together was too important to give away but I hated them knowing anything about us, they didnt deserve to, they didnt understand anything about anything that isnt horrible.

We talked around things a little with Jacqui, she asked for names we said that was often difficult for us back then and hadnt gotten any easier. She didnt want to let it go but we said it wasnt important to our therapy that we told her your names. She said it might convince her that is was real.. Think she pulled out her programmer behaviour we were not to worried she would get much out of us, think that was one of the times she asked us a question when we were under but the answer to what ever she was after woke us up, "Fuck off Jacqui". Thank you.

We were always trying to get back to you but the more we tried the more they knew how important you are to us and they would drive us further apart. With every kid we had we knew more about what they put you through by torturing me and keeping us estranged from you. Sometimes it made us want to hide from you, some we wouldn't have see that pain but we couldn't keep it up, we needed you and would go and see you even if you couldn't see us. There was so much being done to us we didn't want to put you through it all again, the surveillance we were under was just unbearable.

Glad we talked about how much help we would need as an adult, even if everybody is all still entangled in premium grade bull shit to do much about it. I love you mummy. Need you.

I'm sorry we can't write more, about when we were really little and you tried to do everything perfectly before you learned that no one can do that for any kid. Or in the bunker knowing you would be coming back. We felt so special, so valued, seen and safe. Fuck. Really wanted to do a thing there, you know when we say the thing we wish we could do  but cant and then do the thing we just said we couldn't do. We can't ..

Don't think you are ever not our real mum or that we never thought of you as our real mum. Leigh would tell you they same and everyone else. They did a bit of mothering but what we had been through what we had ahead of us meant it had to be you. It was right. It made sense. Not much else did or does.