April 14, 2016

Dont know what to write but wanted to. To say something in place of conversations and help. To say we remember some of your names. That things we felt could never feel real when they were so far away or long ago are now just part of us and always have been. Its not me that had recognise them, its them who have to recognise me. They have been here a lot longer. I'm just something I made up to keep to bastards away from those that have been here the longest. Of course they are grateful but they are also going to be resentful its hard for them to not feel like we are in their seat. Sure they know we would love to get the fuck out of that seat and its not our fault we got stuck here, I fought as hard anyone else to stop them isolating and then freezing us.  As did everyone who loves us but we were willing to give up on living and it was always so close so often and that is terrifying. Which is why I am here. That terror would kill us if it was all forced on a couple of parts who the bastards aim to stop from ever communicating to anyone but them.

We try and accept the rollercoaster. But were so tired of feeling air between stomach and contents. Try and find a stability in constantly drastically changing ideas about who the fuck we are and where the fuck we came from but how do we square that with being the only out of school care giver for an eight year old? And the stuff that is always there, giant landmarks vary from the unbelievable to out side of most peoples experience and imagination.

Very sleepy now tho.