We've clean jammies on. They've been on the line since yesterday so they smell great. Was there phonecalls on Sundays and that was partly why they were so awful. They had to make sure we didn't take them in or in any condition where we would be fighting to tell the truth. For many of us you were something we knew there was no point in trying to have anything to do with. There was too many sick cunts interests involved and they were well connected and rich enough to keep things as they were. You were just something else that some rapists talked about and some other rapists told us to not talk about when we couldn't if we wanted to we didn't understand words lots of the time.
The only reason any of us wondered if there was any truth in it was because we were told to never mention it too many times. Sometimes we would keep seeing your name printed and would be so grateful if it didn't trigger whose name it was or what it was written on. What good was knowing that to us in that. Knowing it was a partly why we where there, why we were being raped so much and why we couldn't get out was of little use to most but the strongest of us otherwise it was another stick to beat us with, another carrot to get us to behave, another route to knowing how extremely dangerously corrupt everything is and how incredibly unsafe we were at all times.
When they could and they could a lot at different times over the years they made sure we associated thinking or talking about you with extreme violence and sexual torture. Pregnancy porn, the worst of the worst. It would be blamed on us talking about you even if we didnt believe it. Then of course we would be put in situations where people talking about it all the time to force us to trigger it.
We explained to Jacqui that we were too old and too scarred for the big money specialist investors to be as keen as they were when we were a child. We told her every scar basically represented a bunch of hell that didn't happen to us as well as bunch that did of course as well. She got that impatient, pissed off look. She told as you were a major investor but it was so obvious the next thing to say besides we know money that is "ours" is moved around in all kind of horror industries, its all part of the slavery and of course it was pretty obvious you would have porn industry issues. Ah the looks on the faces over the decades when we would answer "you dad is a perv" and "your dad is into everything you hate" with "actually the fact he can make those videos and we don't hate means he cant be that bad" and "yeah he had a very different childhood and he reacts to things in different ways to us". The best they got was knowing its not safe to talk about emotionally possible to think about.
I guess we could go on..
" oohhh our dad has been involved with the porn industry we had no idea we never would of guessed what with being a sex slave and all"
Its easy to see how we incorporated things we were exposed to in ways far beyond the creators intentions. Guess it was something we forced ourselves to take from the porn - don't be afraid to ignore all the rules to suit your aims. We would be scared of course that we would find you tolerant to what was being done to us or too blinded by fear to see anything like Margo. If we can feel our gut at all we know no one that cares for anyone supports something like that.
When it was decided that we just thought talk of being your daughter was just more abuser manipulation it made as much sense as anything else. We weren't hearing words we were just trying to reduce the damage done to us second by second what could it possibly matter who we were or weren't related to. We knew children were told another child's history was there own and that they would do it in front of the child whose history was being erased. Hold onto nothing but the possibility of a life elsewhere. Otherwise they used it to mentally destroy you.
Then one time when we were feeling stronger but amnesiac of the pregnancy porn during a set up we were aware enough to know was being repeated. They had a bunch of girls and a bloke would demand to know who was your daughter. We knew dad things happened whenever who was told to step forward eventually did so. There wasnt a lot of them in the house so we stepped forward to see what would happen. The bloke look confused. Which we were expecting but the other girls seemed more confused and worried than I thought they would be. Not sure what happened next think the bloke tried something halfheartedly that we could easily fight off and left the room, it was the bedroom in Skene. Then they girls said some stuff that was just as unconvincing and left to and we were left alone, thinking "fuck". None of the parts around that day looked at any of those girls the same way again.
Think we might of had some questions to whoever had been aiding us feeling OK sometimes that we didn't think were that direct but things stopped being okish at all very quickly after.
We knew it was a technique to fill victims heads with fiction then stop them from thinking or talking about it so they can't process the traumas that were going on when they are being told to believe something and then figure it out and that they tell victims the truth in the exact same ways just to keep them confused.
What did it matter you are either a sicko or just a big a slave as us and be just as surrounded. If you were are biology then many of us saw the slim hope of ever getting out disappear. You would look so hurt whenever we told you that and would usually say you would die for us and we would you shouldn't have to. Sometimes we would say we wouldn't die for you and that would make you feel better other times we were just so angry that we live in a world money can give some people so much power over others we could only cry.
Other times we would say we would get them of course and get you out first so you can get away from your slavers because we could lots of help from people who thought I needed my daddy.
Its just so good to remember. I hope we didn't fuck it up and everyone manages to not fuck up whatever happens next. At least we have our memories now and how can we go anywhere without them? That's the point of taking them away. Getting too tired now. All out of essentials.
I love you. Don't do anything too stupid but don't do nothing either.