April 14, 2016

Sour

We know what to do, just come here. Try and push some more of it out, ease some of the pressure. Yes thats a reference to torture. Cant blame him for going where he felt safest. Believing the people who seemed most believable. Kind of left us in some very serious shit though. How are we going to reach them after that. They turned inwards when he ran out of there. His ass in the designer jeans legging it out of there is the last thing they ever want to see. We can work round the problem, help out the rest of but they remain fucking devastated and the memories of the time they spent with him turned sour and we cant tell if that is because of how they feel and how they were conditioned to interpret events or because the moments and relationships themselves were sour.

Panic attack first thing. A phonecall from the school, just about his attendance resulting in a compulsory letter, NHS correspondence requesting we make an psychiatrist appoimtment, the neighbour who helps at the local charity shop but doesn't have a baby sitter for spectrum child, we cant handle school run but it gets us out and is horrible. Look at all the children who are the same age as children we feel we will never see again and ages we have already missed. Sky bill has come off and we are over our overdraft looks like we will be contacting N after all nothing goes in till tues. Txt will have to do it. Cant face talking. Already trying not to cry.

Look Im not sure if you understand I could be helping myself during this time. If you keep me here like this to help protect you my future will be horrible. We already can barely look after Pabs as it is.

It will be ok. I will be back. I promise.

If I catch you lying to any of us again it will be me who makes sure you get no where near any of us again, you understand that yeah?

Just a bloke against huge machines. What could he do?

Well a hell of a lot better than what he did and what he's doing when all factors are considered.

Look its not your fault. Theres no way you could of seen past all the crap they're doing and saying to you to see the real us. It was our fault we needed to pretend we were cared for, that that was even possible here. We needed to pretend people werent that horrible and we know we should never do that. Not when we are here.

Oh whats the point. Everything you say is off some script handed to you.

Some comes the "what about the time when"s but we know too much for that to work to well. What about all the other nights?

Sooner or later the flailing desperate attempts at throwing out lines to see if there are any parts around vulnerable enough to bite. We know not to start anything unless their is.

How close are you working with Jacqui?

He's keeping his head in his hands. Swears.

If you didnt think i was safe why did you let me stay?

Full circle. 

You have to go.

Im not leaving you here like this.

You mean your going to wait until they have forced me to tell you its ok.

Someone is listening and knows what were going through. Or just wants the fucker out for some other reason. The landline rings we are so fucking relieved. A pissed off sounding bloke who says to put him on just want was needed. It does the trick and he leaves. Nothing we could of said could of got him to leave and the lovely littles werent that far there was no way we could of laid a hand on him.

We sit there stewing over how impossible it is for him or so many to respect us while knowing we cant let this get to us too much at that time. We had serious doubts that if our morale dipped much lower that we would make it out of the next big attack alive.

Always so close. Every time we feel that drive to live a better life rise up, so furious that people would turn their own and my existence to monument to the effects of extreme misery and violence.

We wanted to rip those designer jeans off him and not in the way we thought we had in the past. Once she starts to trust you we will be able get more on top of the duvet with the lights off.. She doesnt want to do it. It makes the pain worse. We will sort out something for that.

Im not drugging her again she always knows.

That is not a ex..

We found the find Stratirious Violin quest in Fall Out. That made us very happy. We have the extra stuff downloaded and the explorer perk now so all the locations are highlighted.. :-D