April 28, 2016

Snow in April

There is no way we have put enough humiliating details in that form. We never mentioned that the before our period starts is common that we can't function for weeping. We forgot to mention the infected cysts. Dad they are probably gonna demand we go to an assessment when we can't do it to ourselves. We have lost that young and alive positivity that believes that just by leaving the house we have increased the chances of something good happening for no reason other than being young and alive. Even when we knew it wasn't true not for us and maybe not for anyone we could still feel the possibility at least but after Dundee and us ending up here broken and alone like we had barely fought at all, for the child abuse and the cover ups and the careers of people like Jacqui to continue like no one knew..

Anything is possible you were always better at believing that than us. We just believed in you and mum of course and that helped us believe that other people might also be worth the risk of talking to and maybe even trusting. Its really snowing, flakes in big soggy clusters. The trays of seedling are back in. One year we were with mum, it was just just and I had to go out for pee in the middle of the night and realised it was snowing like it is now. We covered the wood we said we had already covered and then pulled our sleeping back to the front of the tent and fell asleep watching the snow fall. Until mum woke up freezing and pulled us back in and shut the door. We feel back to sleep in his arms with him smiling. Think he just loved to see us act like a kid and to have us back.

Sometimes we would sneak out and grab extra blankets. He didn't approve to begin with but later on he was the one going or ordering others to get them. Balnaboth had all these antique down duvets and stuff no one was using and we were freezing it made no sense. Sometimes it was to risky and we just shivered alone. We were so glad to be safe though we didn't care about the cold. It was a different kind of cold. God it was a relief when we could go to the bunker though. Warmer and safer. So much safer. Sometimes we couldn't sleep in fear we would be snatched at any moment and would stay awake in his arms until he was awake, panicking at every sheep or pheasant.

It must if been hard for him. Seeing us turn from so happy and spirited to clingy and fearful. And you to. Soon we would start to get that we were to far out and start relaxing more. The shit that was pulled on us though when it was ended. Horrible gases and stuff. Cunts.

Thinking of the hours in tents as the sun rose in the spring and earlier summer we know we spent a lot of time wondering about our biological mother. We can see the face from the footage a little more.