April 26, 2016

Not out.

I wasn't sure about them but they did seem different and things were awful so we listened to them. They were different they told us what they could tell me and what they couldn't. They weren't obviously drunk, high, dissociated or lying. They listened. We associate them with outside the back of Logiebank the most. Not sure how often or for long we talked to them before they showed us the tape. It wasn't on for long before we started puking, or collapsed or screamed or all three or something. They turned it off which was a bit of a surprise to some and started calming us down we think we can see one of them over our knees one of the women, two or three others.

Think its the same people who told us to "forget he's there" about the guy doing the recording and as they weren't already involved in everything didn't realise how literarily we would take it. They found out later on think the guy who did the recording told them we talked a lot to him. He was a bit younger than the others and from a different background we sensed he hadn't been as privileged. We developed a thing when as soon as he had packed the stuff away and no one else was around we would start feeling comfortable with him to remember in great detail and tell him in a chatty manner, think we can still remember how pale he was the first time, hands shaking as he tried to get the sound gear out.. Then one of the others walked in and the poor guy had to try and repeat whatever we had said and couldn't. It was impossible. We knew there was no way we would be able to repeat it. We saw how human and stressed he looked and it was so comforting we couldn't help smiling at him so much that everyone noticed.

It just became something we laughed about and it had be expected that it was impossible to record it all or to expect all our parts to accept being recorded. That was quite a digression. We have no female mother, we were lovingly engineered by aliens and then delivered in a ball of light or brought down in a space ship by Eagles loving space renegades. We knew how that tape ended. We knew what happened to her all the way through. They said they were sorry for showing us it, for asking us questions and they were honest about there being a lot they couldn't do and that was what really brought some of us in. We said we were on our own a lot of here and when we weren't we were being hurt badly a lot. All the kids were and the adults sometimes to.

They encouraged us to ask questions to.  We asked them the freeze the screen so we could see her face, my mum's face. We watched his back as he paused it at a good place. We knew they were going to choose one at the beginning before he started saying what they were going to do and it starting. When she looked OK. They showed us something we had seen before but it had been an accident someone let the tape run when they shouldnt and been they realised what we were watching they started frantically telling us to forget what we had seen, then forget that we had been told it was our mother's death and our birth and it was what was going to happen to us when we were older. He contradicted himself so often in such short space of time he accidentally grounded us in the ridiculous contradictions involved in mind control and children.

They said the tape showed we had known no love and never would but later on it showed my dad, or a man anyway picking up the baby from the pieces of her mother whom he seemed to know and love and holding her with so much care and love while he sobbed. They wanted us to see that love and believe in it when we knew we would die out here without help so they seemed worth a go.

They asked how we knew it was our mother and father and me that was the baby. We said we didn't. We said we didn't know. They were good at taking to different parts and not forcing us to be one or another. You would hear them openly discuss what was the way to do things and how to not hurt us more and include us in conversations sometimes to which dumbfounded us the first time.

We asked if our mother, the women was very, very clever. They went quiet and still. He asked if we very, very clever. We had to take a breath, ground ourself in someway before we could answer properly.

We were always much more worried about the people they were talking to, their bosses than them. They said we were right to be and sure enough they were replaced by abusers with the material forcing us to go through everything that happened with the non abusers and expecting exact same results. Getting frustrated that it didn't work and worked less and less the more I was put through out it without breaks and with worse and worse treatment. I remembering sobbing to one of ones that took orders that I didn't know what he excepted of me. They just stood around looking away or watching emotionless when they worst assaults happened. After nights like that we would be to tired to walk to the bunker or anywhere safer once they put us in Logiebank.

It would be so hard to say that he told us it was us to sometimes it was too much too remember anyway but there was a lot of abuse aimed at stopping from us from saying or remembering that. They would weep at the state we were in sometimes. We would tell them we would be OK and that we just needed more hugs. They had been officially replaced by whatever sent them over but they came back quite a lot. We trust them. They are with us now. But that does mean we generally have no idea where they are what they doing.

It irks.

(No longer without. Can you tell?)