April 09, 2016

No change

It isn't last year but it feels like it. We are so cocooned. Sorting through the truama or we just doing what we were told. Feeling exactly what they told us to feel. Waiting to see by which parts are out and what they do who hurt us the most and therefore owns us. It doesn't run as smoothly as has done. That's something. To stop us from being ourself though and help them keep that switch in place, that's so damaging to us. If that's what you did. We can never be sure of anything when we are to scared to be ourself and we can't be ourself some of the time if we know you are going to try and control our core.

That's taking away our life. What's the good in figure in out what was done by an abuser and what was done by another victim the relationships are dead anyway. Not that people ever think of themselves as being in relationships if they are abusers or victims they just see games that might get them what they need or want. Jacqui didn't look happy when she talked about you not coming back to sessions with her and us. It was easy to stop. You can't program parts that just arnt there. It was such a bad time. We figured you were involved with people who had realised that although I am slave there are people who care and sometimes there are consequences so they sent you in.

We cant tell the truth about something if it will mean someone loves us will get hurt. We were crippled in all the ways we weren't going have our only carer sent away and they would be making sure you were the only carer. It was very important programming was reinforced and I was hardly about to let any of them in.

The more good care you gave us the more terrified some of us got about what was going to happen next. They knew there would be scum bags pushing very hard for sex tapes or us pretending we are not being raped tapes as soon as anyone was near us. Consensuals just impossible if they are filming it and selling it.

Some of us might not care in the moment but the rest of us would only stay quiet and not resist because we know it could be a lot worse if we dont. Why the hell were they letting you help us? Because you were mostly reliable of course. We wanted so much just to die, for Pabs to never be back any where near any of this shit and for us to me done with all the misery and torture and sick evil people again but we knew we didn't want it enough. There was still a tiny bit of hope for a different life but we couldn't hold on where and as we were, there had been too much rape and too much likelihood that there would be more so we had to give in to the hugs, knowing the very littles would turn into pretending not to be littles who would be to scared to say no because doing so would probably mean more gang rape and torture when we couldn't fight them off and were terrified you would join in after we had started to feel you maybe did genuinely care.

Horrible, horrible, horrible time.

Got to be convincing for them, smile like you mean it, but that means parts will have to be convinced it is real. That is going to take some convincing and some engineering. But we know the sooner we give in the sooner we are on our own again.

There is always scapegoating and we struggle to know when it's genuine or when its just manipulation but its true its not like you are Chris Moyles or something. 

Still though, British DJs .. Wtf..

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