April 08, 2016

Just get here.

Post peroid non functionness. The living room hasnt been hoovered in ages so its increasingly under ash, scraps of cardboard and cat hair. The junk food wrappers have been kept to a minimal. Its at its burny stage. When we go from being messed up and confused at the sight of blood to messed up at being in so much pain without blood. It is sinking in that the pain isn't going to go away and I guess we have Jacqui to thank for helping us accept it and Elaine and her besties for making it true. We do wish we could name the supporting males as easy, not just Deek and the Aberdeen blokey abusers but the middle class fuckers. We certainly have given it ago in the six years of writing and getting other people to write here. The nasty split is still there, the fictional Scottish family and the staged life connected to it that is "home" and everything else.

We know we can go back and forth between the knowing what is complete bullshit and feeling connected to a world and people outside it, we can hop back and forth all day long but we arnt really touching this terrified isolated core part. We think we are but what we are doing is reaching others and helping them grow which is great in so many ways but is also making that isolated core more isolated because those parts are no longer in the same place as her as us.

What can we do when the only thing that will change me is for me not to be isolated any more with at least a reasonable chance it will continue. I just couldn't do it. Its like most of the older/organised parts end up with littles that are so terrified they cling to them, constantly and when a kid clings to you so tightly for so long and we can see what lots of what each other are thinking we get to know them. Obviously when everything is very ongoing we need to keep most defenseless parts as far back because of what happens when abusers get a hold of them. It wasn't friends of us that were posting here at those times it was rapists making out like they weren't keeping us heavily drugged and locked up and they werent doing the same to little kids and if they were we were doing it to and not trying to stop them.

We escaped out of that house in Aberdeenshire so many really bad times and in so many really bad conditions with or without similarly naked, injured, starved babies over the decades we couldn't guess at.

What are you doing anyway? Its not complicated. Just get here.

Yeah we are thinking and trying to think about our mother. Its an important part of what makes an amnesiac switch isnt it? Who our real mother is. We are still stuck at how she seems to have died, all the horrific trauma that brings up.

We are glad it isnt a no go area as much as it used to because Margo was part of our life and she was our ring mum.

The look we would we get when we said "she was someone", or when we described the gruesomeness and said we had presumed/hoped it was a programming line. Cant really get away from the strong sense of a real loving Dad always being here but seeing nothing but a black hole when when ask ourselves out who our mother was. Beyond her being murdered in front of my Dad and me when I was tiny little. We stop asking ourself questions causes it triggers lots of us to want to go "home" and pretend the public family here are real biological abusive family.

It got to lots of the day to day slave managers when we got stuck with our "they are your real family - you will stay with them - they will rape you - but then they are not my real family" cycles. Time to bring in upper management. Thankfully that kind that just need us not to be in touch with anything good over forcing us to stay in touch with everyone bad. The jist is I think usually you are a slave in a state that will never let you out or allow you to be recognised but often went to a part who knew who we were and who the "programmers" were instead of one who knew nothing but the worst of it all and was just desperate to know there would be a break in the torture.

There seemed to be genuine fear in "Jacqui" when we talked about when we were crawling on the floor pretending we werent in the flat and had gotten Pablo far away like wheb we talked about organised crime contacts or working with non abusive police especially when we did it without switching or dissociating.  Think she tried to isolate a little to intimidate them about knowing famous people. We think that was the phrase, we remember feeling quite scared and saying "but Jacqui we thought we had mentioned it and because of the DID we cant remember clearly enough to talk about it" We are probably getting incidents mixed up but when we caught ourself justifying our existence it woke up defenders.

There were other times when the defenders were down when it went really horribler. She talked about the worst of the things that had happened to us since Pablo was born, that we knew none of us had told her about and she said we were going to die we stopped listening but focused on getting her words to the parts of us that could record and spit them out. We knew we would have to do it quickly before the words were lost forever. Whoever we decided was best to hear it or least worst anyway was reluctant but we got them to listen in time. We said "Jacqui said.." and then just let the part spit out what she said was going to happen to us. Its important  we try and say first something to let whoever we are telling that we repeating someone else's words.. or it can be really misunderstood.

Cant remember what they said but they were okay with us and calmed us down and believed us. At a later point she asked us who it was we told but we were like we are now, no fucking idea. Its that really bad split that we were writing about earlier on between trafficked Scottish and everything else we are, knowing who might be safe and where they might be is definitely  in the everything else realm. There is no way we can remember it. It would go against the our trafficked Scottish programming which wasn't step up or protected by Scottish people as it very much based on colonial paradigms the real power isnt held by Dundonians or the local police anywhere. Obvs.

They hate us talking like that. Its best of course with the less educated types because then we can use words wrong and basically make them up and most of them have no idea they just know you are talking above their heads. Of course thats not only to work so easy with the upper middle class Scots or the Etonian types they can just do it back and it doesnt matter anyway because they do actually have a whole bunch of different kinds of security and the power to keep it.

We might of said at a later point and he may or may not of told her to. Thats not us being mysterious with the reader thats us being obtuse with ourselves. They dont know how to stop doing it..  They are very angry and very protective. We dont know what we will happened next but we know that if they are in charge we will be okay and it wont be us that would or could stop them from being in charge. We are sad that our mummy parts have been hit too hard for too long with too much unbareableness to be around much for us or Pabs but not enough to really believe that this means the end for us. The big split is still there, they never annihilated our belief that other side exists but they did stop us from doing anything to fix it.

(Dramatic pause)

Until now.