There is times when we can appreciate this. We are not beyond sabotaging them though. Of course not it might of been half a year or more since the last session with Jacqui, since we let the programming run its course at Grahams and propositioned our rapist son who thankfully had been sufficiently warned off. Its not like he can lay a hand on us without it all coming back up for us anyway sometimes in very literal ways. Over three months till we found Margo with her teeth half in and the paramedics asked us to preform CPR and her scum bag horror story of a brother walked in.
The absence of abusive relationships on a day to day, personal level, is slowly stating to sink in.
The fear that we would be crushed by the past unravelling is gone. Not that the horror can really leave but the hold of the people who were there and who put us there starts to crumble.
That was last night. Latter on that night we getting stuff that was about a mother who is an abuser and not white skinned, part of a wider American network that stirs up hate in the states and internationally and aims to keep "race relations" to make it impossible for black VIP organised crime to be exposed. Yes indeed the Dream Team werent just working for the Brits, the BBC isnt just working for the Brits. They are very closely linked to the actual white power, actual cuts eye holes in pillows, card carrying KKK groups as well as the hard core human slaughter porn industry of course, some of them know and they don't care. The rest work very hard to make sure it cant be proved they knew. They are abusers and abusers exploit any and everything if they think is to their advantage. That's what abusers do they abuse and exploit horrifically.
We wouldn't buy it. When we were in the bunker alone or places where there was much easier access to us that "I need my mummy" voices, the pain it didn't seem to match, there was something not right about it. We didn't feel like us when we tried to own it. We would experiment with different faces and seeing if any of them fitted "mummy" but none worked. The only big emotional responses we got were for people who we knew were mother figures but definitely weren't our biological mothers.
We started watching the lads whenever we talked about "mum" and we saw there whole body language change. They went totally subdued, depressed, heads down, irritable with each other. We hated it. It was spotted that we were figuring shit out but when we were back showing them that we truly felt that whoever she was and whatever colour she was they were my people because they were looking after me in all the good ways and if she did love us on any level she would understand. Some of them cried. They had been crying a lot anyway because bastards had them convinced they wouldn't get me back. We wanted to do it before the bruises and the injuries had healed. That felt important to us and we were right saying what we said with all those physical marks left from people telling us not to say what we were saying was really healing.
Later on away from the group with someone we starting getting frustrated at the done this before feeling. He just smiled at us and told us not to worry. He smiled even more when it dawned on us and be moaned at the chore of every part having to go through the same processes and come to the same realisation. We still are.
Of course it was the eighties to so babies being born to women who are not their genetic mothers was no longer something that not many people knew about. We always found that grounding when we weren't quite able to handle the thought that she and Margo were on the abuser side.
Then there is the warmth and the smile that comes up from everywhere whenever we dissociate "dad" from Bill Johnston. There was far too much going whenever we followed whatever urge or voice told us to talk to the people on album covers. We knew that was about the slaves held in horrific conditions and being exploited so disgustingly and we had been there and probably would be back and that they got everyone who fought for us at some point.
We never stopped knowing our job in the Ritual Abuse scene it was to destroy the Ritual Abuse scene. As much as we could. The pride it gave us obliterated the temptation offered by anything and anyone else.
Some of this was put up in Dundee I'm not sure if it really was us testing to see what happens. I think the typist who sought to bring so much more violence to was the victim when they turned up. We just hid and waited we were in no state to fight or the post wouldn't of happened.
This is us now though. There is no slavers stationed in the house we are being kept in and they haven't tried to kill us or Pabs in a while.
Daddy can I go back to work now?