April 14, 2016

Bleurg

You will never be safe with anyone from the rings. You will never know anyone who isnt in the rings. If we dont already have them we will bring them in.

Its hard to believe otherwise when the worst of them are so well placed and we see the nick of others. No one here would be able to look after me here even if they wanted to. Then come the voices in agreement so we listen but then we spot the triggers that tell us these are not voices we should listen to. They are about to tell us that we have no option but to give up and to push the point by taking us back to sometime of horror that create a part that is still there frozen and unreached by the rest of us. There are much few of them than abusers normally realise. They know there has been plenty of extreme traumas but they dont know how good we are at reaching them or letting someone else reach them.

We have some well worn pathways and routes between catatonic states and pissed off survivor.

The balance between being so tired of it all and needing a life that isnt arranged to this degree is one we feel we have perfected we barely notice the swing between who and what we sacrifice. Im sorry littles you cant come out to chat and cuddle one moment then forget fighters its not worth the risk the next.

There is a little sun catcher we ordered as to present to those that loved it when they say it and because it something to look at in the kitchen other than mess and wasted potential. Its in that other group of triggers. The ones that remind us of exposure to other ways of being, of people who love us. People who fight for us and how it isnt just evil things that can snowball.  You will feel premenstral, you will feel scared, no you wont be able to. And sometimes no that wont happen because.. and we can tell someone and stop it happening. You need to take the programming Quine how else will be know what they are planning?

Its the same as you have to let them rape you Quine or how else can we prove you are being raped.

Yes of course someone would have to be a child or mentally disabled in someway or forced into by other means or all of the above.

Thank fuck for our IQ. Or whatever it was that had us awake, that had us sabotage as much as we could. Its not most of day to day folk doing that shit to people really have much of a clue about the inner workings of anyones deeper layers but if you start acting like this is the case the more skilled slave maintance technicians are called in. Some of them were just better protected, wealthier connected etc so had the training to appear "higher ups" and could get away with more death and violence.

You could be one of us.

No thanks.

You want to stay here? In this? With these people?

Look it doesnt matter what I do I'm going to end up here. And its it would get be away from being raped is it? It would just be different rape.

You wouldnt be cold and hungry though (or some gross reference to some aspect of regular sexual assualts that may or may not of been ongoing)

Look. Would if I went with you lot would I have to rape children?

Various versions of yes and ayes and probablies followed by buts.

No thanks.

We think one or two of us agreed if it meant we could get out of the pregnancies or make them less but they couldnt do it. We knew they wouldnt be able to. It wouldnt of made any difference anyway. We pissed of people as a kid who really wanted everything they said would happen to us happened and we knew it would make no difference to them.

We dont know if they are still around we suspect because we are writing this that they are gone or not in a position to start anything. Which kinda makes takes our worst fears out the picture while bringing another one into reality, the fear of having done what needs to be done to make it possible to help us buts its to late because everyone has already given up.

N again has given us a useful amount of dough. Hopefully that will help make Sunday less cutty.

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