Tuesdays. We hoovered, opened up the new hose on tried it out in between hail storms, ordered clothes for me and dude from BHS, had a bath period starting hence the energy levels and the pain levels, smoked, ate salt and chilli ribs and chips for tea. drinking wine, taking a break before going back to whatever hes watching on cartoon network. Brave of us some would say to be publicly declaring the start of our cycle after what we have been saying. Not scared though. Too full of food and drink and weed.
Really bright again this morning. Margo would of loved what we've been doing with the garden. It burned that we couldn't do anything last year. Sure we wrote and repeated the lines to Jacqui about reasons why things were so hard but we knew it was fear. Fear of what would happen to the kids we cant get out and fear that doing what we needed to do here would fuck up what was ongoing for those we could help. You know, they know and we know they know how much the waste and cheapness of life gets to us and people like us. The total lack of value that their family saw in Margo and Laura is disgusting to us. The emotional distance from everything needed to survive all the time in that situation is catastrophic. We do worry what its going to feel like to hear from anyone them again after all that has been done with and processed, if and when it happens.
Think we are switching between relief and release over no longer being in contact with Jacqui or the families. There isn't much anxiety about not going to see the gran in the nursing home. Feel sick for Gracie and Tommy of course who are probably still in that house as the decades of torture and imprisonment and abuse there of all the child rape that happened there involving those people roll back. No words about them or anyone else from the police but we weren't expecting any. Its not on the schedule and we are doing anything that requires any scoop monstering and "Quine what's going on?" and "don't tell him that"..
Bound to be some would like to though and the main things stopping them and in their heads. Their not my dad, grandad or grown up bairn of any colour..
Notice we hold a lot of tension in our jaw again..
A semi decent summer in Scottish out in the hills had the same effect on everyone "..the land, the land. Those colonial bastards.." Love it. Showing you what we had learned about wildlife. Taking you to all our hideouts and secret watching spots. Knowing we were telling you stuff people were going to ridiculous efforts to try and find out pay stupid money and you weren't taking half of it in because it wasn't what was important to you. Knowing that when they had you out there running you knew all the secret safe spots. God what a relief it would be to find you scruffy and bedraggled but safe and unharmed they hadn't got you.
The hours playing with each others hair ..
The frustration at the ripping at ourself open with the shards of the past and when we get a bigger picture we don't give a fuck. Theres seconds a minute or two of feeling our self in our self and the pure relief and then we go back to hacking at ourself with another shard..
Love you all