April 06, 2016

All of it.

Mums, Dads and everyone,

It really is "there" - how it all felt. All of it.

Jacqui said its all too much for any of you to ever understand or to not also be destroyed by but we know that's not true. None of them ever really knew us. Not for long anyway.

Its the worst injuries in recent years that are being processed at the moment. Someone supporting us said writing, speaking and thinking in ways that when we did in front of Jacqui made her face twist and freeze at the same time when its safe is a good way to go healing wise. Past fucking tense. No more Jacqui. No more Johnstons. Cancelled the "Dundee DID NHS counselor " appointment. Contradiction in terms. Like Angus based Ritual Abuse and Trafficking charity, or rich classes paying tax or investigations into organised child abuse in British institutions by British institutions.

Winters end. We know this and can even believe it sometimes. When we are distanced from the realities of the injuries and the captivity we know we are light years away from any truth and it makes every feel meaningless. Of course they have used horrific injuries to put us back there. We wouldn't tell them where Pablo was. We are still not telling us much about what we did to get him away from Dundee, Scotland, the UK. We know its all extreme though. Think there were moments usually when we were in the air that we were able to be present, safe and warm. They will track us down eventually for a bunch of reasons we are not comfortable going into with supporting documents or voices so if when we get them somewhere safe we need to get ourself far away from them as possible. Its heartbreaking and kills us but not as much as what happens to them here.

What makes you so sure something won't happen again?

The internalised female abuser, so wrapped up for us in Jacqui. We watched as we saw every other woman who had terrorised and injured us and attempted worse drifted across our consciousness. There seemed to be a few serious abuser personalities that was core to many of them and they didn't physically stand between us and food, sleep, safety, shelter and medical attention as much as they used to. 

They start of offering help. Like the if you can survived what you have already survived and then they push it to extremes. We learned how to take the benefits of the grooming then switch into someone who knew we were in danger and could defend us when or preferable just before they pushed it to far. Very tricky. Depends on who and what is doing the grooming though, how much they knew, how much they were capable of understanding, how much clout they have and with whom.

We forgave ourself for all hiding what we are so much during those sessions when all those other sessions in other places with different people who had a very different remit on what "grooming" involved. If we hadn't been a stranger to ourself so convincingly we wouldn't of been so convincing to them, keeping them guessing is only defence sometimes.  We were glad to be in touch with those parts again they are so strong and were there learning about the abusers and what they do, learning about ourself and supporting our escape artists as much as possible. Holly shit we have pulled off some Houdini shit. Being little has lots of advantages.

When we able to start feeling indifferent to abusers because they were victims who long ago gave up the fight, they were just a collection of parts with instructions and motives we knew we couldn't get them to question the resentment for other people who were involved but didn't have such prominent roles would be stoked.

So much was already in place or could be in place if people just stopped thinking there was nothing that could be done and that the rapists are all powerful.

What a waste. We thought it over and over. Came back to it in many languages and different places but from the same being victimised by a group of people who are positions of privilege relative to myself but not when compared to whatever or whoever is supporting or instructing them. Not of myself although of course we think that to but of them. Their whole lives, the resources that went into making them, of the facilities and communities they kept us in, of humanity in general. We don't know if we will ever be able to dissociate any British Isles peoples from the the words used by people involved in ritualised slavery and socially acceptable rape.

We aren't certain nothing horrific and life endangering or lethal will not happen to me or Pabs Jacqui et al but you can't live like that, the body stops us feeling that kind of terror when nothing serious has happened in a while. When were are not coming here to see you though. .. Or Graham and Gabe of course and without Margo forcing us to be someone we are not and maintain farcical damaging relationships with people who would open a door, drug our food and drink, physically hold us down are in relationships with people to whom rape is a major income source etc . .. And no more drinking with Elaine and the no way we coming back to see that other guy there won't be opportunity for it like there always has been. .. here.

Frustrating her about who and where we have been helped, healed and literally brought back was always fun. Until they moved her onto keeping us permanently distanced from the parts that were made or grew in love. It works well that stuff. We cant write about it much. They must of been in contact or got material from the few Brits who really did manage to get to us with the programing when we were little. We still havent forgiven ourself and everyone everywhere for whatever they did back then. Protecting our mind and keeping them of certain aspects was always top priority. Not because some bully scared us into thinking that but because we knew the more they knew us the less chance there was of us of ever having any influence over our future.  We are still distanced because of it. The strong sense we have that we can't have good relationships, carers, long term anything comes from then.

We know we think getting out of the UK would be away to solve the issues without dealing with them. We also know that any voices in us that advocate more suffering need to be ignored and plans need to be made for their deconstruction asap.

Something we read on twitter reminded us of when Elaine and Jacqui tried a coordinated paedophilia is a sexual orientation and shouldn't be stigmatised, its natural and has been practised throughout history, rapists rights before victims type stuff. Elaine in particular had us laughing out loud. We had to sit and eat and listen to all that PIE crap many times and told Jacqui or whoever she was in that season so.  The abuser police say they exact same shit and try and to look to smug when it distresses survivors.

We planted some flower seeds outside during the moments the sun was out and the pain wasn't too bad. There faces phase in and out but one thing is the confidence in there voices when they talked about the hold they have over me in regards to Gracie and Tommy living in that hellhole with those non people and how the pain we get particularly during menstruation triggers our fears for them because of everything that was done to them and us there in the past.

We are not going to go to see the Dundee counsellor and we would of been told they will be badly punished for that. Of course that is what they say and if true they will be being badly hurt already.

There is nothing more we can do. No more risks we can take to prove anything to anyone. To force anyone to act. There is no shortage of evidence but still nothing changes. The corruption stays in place. The physical violence takes a back seat to all other forms for a short while and they continue to enjoy the profits and we are told to be satisfied with not being tied up and cut in places that cause us to bleed out.