April 29, 2016

Many Strong Beautiful Phoenixs

We know that if we could die from missing someone it would of happened by now, when we went from great and good places to some of the worst. When our stomach had to adjust from a varied and fresh diet to one that wasn't. When we went from being seen and being loved to not.

There was some brilliant Christmas's in the bunker wasn't there? And birthdays to. Even when grandad turned up and some other mean fuckwit kids had shot us in the stomach with an air rifle. It ended up being a pretty good birthday. We remember Christmas morning sitting on the floor eating candy playing some game we had told them it was cool for them to sleep in. Our mum of one of our mums pretended to still be asleep when you called outside. It wasnt like anyone was going to be just passing. It was always so good to see you when there was no abusers around.

We remembered hearing the chopper when we were ha!f asleep a day or two ago and we knew how far away it was and it was something or someone good. There was one time came in from sledging with grandad and you were and from then on we couldnt come in from sledging without feeling excited and sometimes so unfathomably disappointed. We remember that feeling of not wanting to sleep or do anything that might waste a second or wasn't a good way to spend the limited time that could end suddenly at any point.

There hasn't been much ageing for us during the 90s & 00s, too much trauma, that must of aged everyone else so much. Everyone was tortured so much and with the conditions we were in it seemed to make sense that knowing how bad it was for us and the kids would of killed them. We were always so glad when we broke through that thinking even when it was just an attempt that they could easily stop before it started because we knew that if we kept thinking like that we would never get away from them at all. There would of been no now.

Of course we've been thinking about our three strong young women. The product of the Dream Team wanting a daughter from us each. Or at least that was being said a lot. They are not only phoenixs from all those horrific ashes either.

Knowing it isn't just us that wrestles with the hate, help. Knowing that we did what we could to show what what couldn't say. We were tied up and drugged and blindfolded so much dad and others and all the kids how do people tolerate that in their communities, their families, their authorities and industries decade after decade?

I'm sorry and know you have no more answers than us for whats being done to you, me, the girls and so many others over so long. We feel a bit bad for saying at least you won't have to polish turds anymore because you are so extraordinarily good at it and if we can't be together just get I hope you are busy and putting your talents to proper use.

Dreams have been hurting us again. Haunting everywhere searching for, grandad anyone who knows us and can helps us remember who we are. A water park that shows up quite a lot sometimes from a time we are still to distant from to know why we go back there again and again. It us an unsafe feel but we have had dreams about being all happy and confident there so rare for this system subsection it was brilliant. What we usually remember is being lost and alone sometimes trying to make the most of it but never being able to shake the lost and alone feeling. We see people who we think we know but they are cold and act like strangers when we approach.

Seriously sleepy know although having to get up to pee every couple of minutes will fuck with that.

Don't work to hard and I hope to see you in my dreams.
Xx

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