..dear reader..

 Six months that's about right for a death to properly start to sink in it especially when we were so utterly dissociated before during and after it happened and there is no one to talk to.  I think I said I loved you on the night it happened. You were begging them to let you speak to me. We said please to. You said you loved us too but they put you down before you could say our name. We pretty much believe it wasn't you but the horrific antiyou at the funeral. If I'm not there than neither will you be. Did it still have the scar on the hand I gave it back in the eighties? To help the thousands of girls they would kidnap, buy then traumatise to total dissociation then tell them they were me and then usually murder unless they took to being tortured and torturing others then I would end up having to kill them. Pretty much believe to that there was a similar deal with Dad. We opened the drawer and showed him the frozen corpse of his replacement and said it was being kept for ...

 Any corner we found for peace, comfort over the decades they had you to destroy it for them. Any happy little, any doesn't give a fuck teen and you and yours were on the phone or at the door. All the fucking calls from your nearest and dearest. All fucking horrible. Calls to tell you your daughter's being abused and getting shit from you because of it become abusive calls from your daughter. Your wife under the impression she will get money from Mom you know because she needs it for basics like healthcare and education.. It's not what Mom wanted especially after she got the full brief on everything that had and was happening to us because of you so you probably have a shot at getting something. The conditions your first albums where produced in. Decade upon decade of horrific fucking crimes that We can't hold you responsible for because your clearly gone. It was still the 80s when the RAF started boasting about having my brother. Like We hadn't noticed. Like we did...

 If I remembered both it triggered all the work they forced us today for mum and bro and how amnesiac they both were of it. All set up the way to destroy any hope or love left in us. Were times in Dundee especially when the worst had been fought back or silenced for while and bairn and I were alright in the flat but could hear and feel everything and everyone around them and we felt infinitely freer and generally better off than both of them. That guy next to you that encourages you to forget or not worry about me well he's got my number on speed dial and he's not trying to help. It helped to remember that when attempting to address the abuser controlled DID you were both rocking whilst not making my own worse. And I thought We were nuts. Got to enforce some basics over your living and sleeping space.  We both got our final hugs didn't We? How generous of them. I handed over new tech and intel that the Brits have been hoarding, stealing and murdering over my whole life to a...

 Benefit day tomorrow. No idea if it would be best to spend on Junior's xmas or mostly on booze and goodies to keep our spirits up now. If we spend it all getting to December it's going to be particularly misrable if we go through the entire season without contact. Started growing way too late as well. Not sure if there will be much overlap between decorations being up and plant matter. Kind of gutted if we think about that. It will be easier probably to have a sense of Mum there just won't be any live interaction. Won't be pretending it's not her I'm missing but there has always been some more memories and movements of parts around Winterfest even if there isn't any drink or drugs to help facilitate it's always a little intimating as it gets closer. Partly why we go so nuts. Oh yeah we are going to remember everything we are and been and how totally powerless we are to give ourself safe and comfortable living conditions. What fun. Don't want to make...

 The only 'The Towers' we wanted, needed and have been involved in plans to harm and/or destroy. If it did exist but no longer became so how would we manage this without formal confirmation? Well We are going to know aren't we? At least partly. The very real deaths from above would theoretically protected it. In would maybe be in our mind as the reason locals always know so much so quickly and were kept ready to do any horrific shit any time. So maybe that would mean the main thing that keeps life so awful for us in the UK is no longer a thing. Yeah We would probably be too anxious and triggered and programmed to want to write about it or have any real confidence in any of it. Yeah it will be after our Mom has died and We wont have to keep ourself nuts to stop ourself remembering who she is and what's happening to her. And yeah we will have remembered We have a Home. And land. And drilling rights. No not any teeny tiny bit of Us thinks my mum decided she was going to le...

 Even if there was no option but to bullshit each other talking to her could stop the world from spinning. I got grounded. Afterwards we couldn't believe the calls that used to make us doubt ourself were all now ridiculous. Whatever had or happened whoever they clearly in no place to be able to help themselves never mind us or anyone else. The longer the calls lasted the more of our past We got. So this is how they keep Us answering the fucking phone it's the only way We get any connection with ourself. Through more fucking abuse, manipulation and exploitation. Once that calls over We know they are not going to wake Us up for our own good. Whose this now at the door? As the vivid words, times places of what We are supposed to feel and our own and our mothers efforts to mitigate it's all clearly in our mind instead dragging us down from beyond the sliver of anxious PTSD crippled consciousness. All just lit up. It must have been a while since either of Us had been able to che...

  We went out in the a.m. for backing, Got reminded pretty quickly it was the Sunday nearest 11/11. We didn't retreat, not much walking recently. Any effort was going to be a big deal. It's only when We are really up against it that We resent the sight of fake red poppies anyway. Rows of medals though dude was probably not that much older than us. We couldn't completely act like nothing matters. Too many fucking ghosts. Cooked the roast in bag chicken, par boiled then roasted the baby pots, pastry flowers and found a few carrots that were not totally bendy. Gravy. Of course. There was discussions. As soon as We move from 'where for art thou husband' back to Wolf Queen, that is when they might let him go. Do We shut shut that shit the fuck down and only share details when very essential or let it go, up to including securing the school run for the pilot's ex's ex kids and every bodies lunches on the actual day? Can We ever really turn our back on someone that...

Alienated and isolated triggers scripts so of course all the stuff about buying a third xmas T brings up the 80s. The first clear association is on the lawn in front of Balnaboth, summer time, some nasty zombie male threatening the life of the third intended recipient. Me feeling that this is all ridiculous. Other voices at other times also long ago saying good things are dependent on the buying of the T. Me just hating all this crap. All this forced to not feel, think or remember myself crap. There was some jealousy but mostly it was overwhelming relief to know Pete was home. Not in the house don't think any one can get in there without me. But in one of the flats. Couldn't say much over the phone of course. Don't know how many people are there now. All we care about is when the +2 of myself and junior is added and the shutters can stay up for a while.  Ran out of plant rations for the day how annoying for us but good for the plant. Grilled some lamb and stuck it in a pitt...

 It's pitch black at tea time that's Winter enough. We made a vague start on a runway once. Think I remember a call.       Looks like a runway your building there you know that's not allowed.      Yeah sorry I almost forgot was thinking about a big garden of some sorts maybe one day. Maybe more buildings for all our defenses they would all need some kind of road access if We were ever going to build. Not planning on doing much with it now. Just thought it best We keep busy.  Scottish Secondary School years. 1992/3/4 We don't think the wolves will need to Winter in the Wolf shed this Winter. Not for a while anyway and probably not for long if they do. It's them that are asking about it most. Where's the signs of homecoming?  We are finding the moody classical more to our taste anyway. Have a decent amount of gothic in telly and books too. I doubt she will see us to advent but she's here now and We can see our breath and see the tree lines...

 There she was the poor horrific horrid thing the was a neighbour in Fife, bed on the other side of the wall to our own. Pregnant telling Us they were going to convince me her poor fetus was mine. They were about the same stage. I wasn't convinced much of that but they would definitely convince the kid and the heartbreak of them bringing him back again and again after having free reign to do whatever they liked to him the rest of the time was going to be effective. It was going to almost kill us. Special child, Romanov, different fucking species. Brain like mine growing next to a brain like hers. To be fed and clothed in an environment where child rape and torture is not just tolerated it's compulsory. He did so well for so long. We always do. Got some Guinness and beef Space Raiders. Might not be able to get Space Raiders soon. What's happening with the Norwegian Satanists? States backing down yet? How's Russia?  Mental health wise, how is the kid I was carrying, proba...

  Got into genuinely enjoying the afternoons in the Winter before when everything is quiet and there is no sounds from passers by or neighbors for a while. Watching the clock face appear more and more as the leaves fall. Soaking up the changes in colour and light around the steeple and above the town. Feeling glad just to be Us sometimes. Can't listen to the lovely chilled classical playlists that we got a lot of use out of during the summer and early autumn. Makes us think of Mum alone, dieing alone in her bed and me forced to keep reality at arms length here. Knowing we didn't know what was going on and being so utterly powerless. Without even the strength to admit to ourself what we knew. Cowering in Satanic fucking fiction even though it doesn't scan. It was a not a nice summer. Cleared a shelf out today for xmas stuff and am cautiously confident that we can move on to the boxes under the bed next. It is such a relief when we can just through stuff that bothers us out. ...

 Dreams and mournings have triggered the first snip.  benefits bonus. Gee. Thanks. Started on his and mine xmas. Lets not plan to spend everything so that half of December/January is spent utterly cashless.  It's excruciating, every year act out on the desperation, the isolation, the confusion and fury in relatively minor ways, usually with food, booze, spending and telling ourself someone good might contact us even when we know it's not going to happen.  Hey maybe it won't matter and We can take the presents and the new candle holders with us to somewhere safer and nicer or maybe even home. Waking up feeling just as squished but with a much better view and a little practical support and no terrifying neighbors. Wouldn't it really mean something if there was one last good Winter Fest in Britain. With Junior and armed forces cooking and gaming me and face timing with peoples all over by a log fire. Somewhere big enough, private enough and set somewhere beautiful. Ther...

 First real base, home on Earth. It was pointed to on maps over and over. Because we could and did forget and end up crying cold and alone somewhere to tired to figure out who to do next, too scared to remember anything good. With the British I just wish the heart break was over or at least lessoned. Loads bloody know what the King and his sons and their associates are and what they have done and what they will continue to do. You know she swore he wasn't her's and of course she was bloody right. It's irrelevant anyway because they're all just war criminals. The imposters torture, enslave and plan the deaths of the 'real' bloodline it's the British Way, an ancient sadistic cult. I loved her she loved me and both of us were both treated relentlessly horrific by vast swaves of British institutions and society and vast sums of money was and is being made from it in the UK and beyond. None of us can hide behind her or Phillip anymore though. There is regicide. M...

 Been a lot better the last few weeks, decent weather in August is seriously appreciated when your June is July is spent in dissociated terror, meaning eating was so difficult, growing shut down, couldn't leave the house so badly We used newspaper and pritstick for cigerette papers. Fucking grim working so hard on the garden just to watch it all turn to weeds when the prime growing season arrives. No showed the NHS Junior's in Newcastle and phone calls we asked for online but then couldn't answer. Just Nope. Came off the antidepressants don't want to be on them if there isn't any one checking to see if they are helping or hurting.  Put off the flat viewing to. Would have reluctantly accepted it last week, next week but apparently October now. It's not good letting her into our home. We did what We do, hope people are distancing themselves from abuse rings even if they were cutters/blood drinkers as kids and still causing us grief in Dundee and probably later but...

We look more and more like her everyday. But maybe its a mental thing. We see MLK  in Junior beats seeing his rapist “cant you take all that stuff of her” male paternal DNA contributor. We never see them in him but We wonder about his hyper mobility in the joints, more incest in the Trumps than the Brit royals.. yikes.  Programmed Putin gives NATO their fucking fascist war, Mr Biden sends a squadron of airborne brain damage machines. Just like We said they would in 1988, 9/11, Roe vs Wade, war and a bunch of horrific Satanic AF plans for me and Junior that have 0 chance of actually happening.  “I just want a peaceful life Mr Biden.” “Thats not possible.” After we hang up the phone rings again and it’s Merrick Garland. 19fucking88. Logiebank, Glenprosen. DD8 4SA. Kevin McKidd still alive, unforgivable by itself he’s not a royal or a trump or a BBC employee or a current politician, judge or Rupert Murdoch.. Think the centralised surveillance system in the Pentagon is down t...

 How many times have We been hit from the downstairs flat? Twice? Twice a year? How often they hitting Junior? How often have We been told 'never again'? Is there equipment there right now? Who could We trust to tell us that? The cracked concrete has been pressure washed again. As you do. If We could We would search the flat but We would much prefer to live somewhere safer rather than wait around to have our memory and sense of self annihilated. What's gonna trigger it this time. Something here? Garden photos? Some thing happening somewhere else? What there almost definitely wont be any curled up in a weeping ball with Junior while Tutrullo gets it on with whatever fascist sex worker he fancies. Because I am still not up for pretending slavery, extreme surveillance and consensual sex can mix. Think We are less at risk from other Trump et als. whoop. 'less risk'. Royal family? fuck knows. Me and junior are here without obvious support of any kind and the UK is still ...

 Its is after 10 so less than two hours until the marriage is annulled as far as our mangled brain can tell. He’s buddies with men of dangerously low self esteem, actual fucking proud boys (please may we be wrong) so me and Junior were never real concerns. More team slaver than slaves. More crimes against humanity and myself by the U.S We really wish they would quit it. Still terrified about Junior’s schooling and healthcare. Very weepy and sickened. 

 Still over the overdraft. Bastards. Working on grocery delivery though. Big one. Summer xmas.

 Damn. We are out of skins. There is pence around enough for rizlas but its horrid going to the shop for one tiny little thing. Maybe the eon money will be in later… way too busy out there now anyway. No showing hospital appointments. Fucking terrified. His cold is better but had issues with the digestive thing and its really upsetting we cant just go to hospital appointments. Cant think about next week. Cant think if any of the French stuff is real. Pretty sure the husband is.  Ate the dream beans yesterday. It was a few weeks ago We dreamed a really vivid image of the tin of beans in the cupboard open. No extra sugar. No extra salt. There was a swimming pool one to We knew it would feel like We were still under water after diving but wouldn’t be. We started talking and were right. Our head was above water.  This stinks. We should never of been in the UK. Thieving Brits. Where’s my subs at? 

  R.T.

 We're not eating nothing. Sent Junior out with the last few quid to get milk and spend the rest on himself without properly telling him to buy food so he bought sweeties and pringles. Predictable. Tuesday We get the 20 on Tuesday the usual on Friday and maybe the cash back from the electric before then. It's on its way anyway. We are defrosting chicken but are not confident We will be able to deal. Thinking a lot about the Stratheden hospital marriage quite an impressive turning of a negative into a positive. Our anniversary must be just passed or coming up right? 6.. The hand pain from all that signing and all that fighting. We're not fully going there remembering the last last time you had to leave us and we had to let you go without us. Months. For real. Couldn't not cut the grass and do a little weeding I know We're not taking on enough calories to be burning much but it looks so cute We couldn't not. Dude's been complaining about mild cold symptoms and...

 Rain is forecast and was worried it wouldn't happened but there's spots all over the window, big grey clouds increasingly taking over the lighter patches. Put fox gloves, crazy daisies, mini sunflowers and delphiniums in the back empty corner might of done more but for the wind that's annoying strong. Never helps our jumpiness when its starts moaning or battering things around. Some of them are a bit small and neglected but everything looked happier this morning so most will probably make it. Especially if they get a good soaking today, ousband Turturro. Which is helps a lot with the British Royals but complicates things further the U.S and the British public in particular. Be no ousbandness if passports are non negotiable.  Yeah We feel a little ill. Took these this morning and pulled back a few weeds from things that are keepers. Those baby nettles though hiding amongst the harmless greenery. Little mother fuckers.  There is NHS appointments coming up and as they are n...

 I was pregnant a lot during the early nineties. Then less. Lindsey's op was part of that. When We couldn't conceive to him they had to bring in a second worse nightmare. We have hinted and skirted around it here before. If this is a thing then it's not a secret. We could hardly ever say but did in Italy repeatedly. Some people figured it out, some have always known. We have named him, written statements, consented to filmed statements, eased up on who got Junior's DNA, gave hints on who to compare it with. If it's been within our power to release any video or audio relating to the facts of it if any should exist We will have shared it beyond the relevant authorities who had all the relevant information on what occurred before it happened. It's fucking horrible Lindsey Buckingham and others are in it including British cops and locals and We are clearly not a consenting participant.  People know. People have proof. People have have time. I have had time. We don...

 

 It was something we screamed before everything and anything good, that gave us some kind of childhood  or hope was blown up. Something We had to keep pushing the extremes of what We can do to escape because if they got Us there wouldn't be any more survival. After the towers We were told it was one less mortal terror that would descend if We tried to have a friend or live a life or stop evil shit from happening. Same conversation included being told that was all though they were sticking with the Platinum Jubilee plans, so pro slavery, pro child abuse, pro keeping American power structures to be packed with people who actively hate America in an organized and protected manner, pro genocide, pro deadly fascist cult conspiracies. Yep still not over it. Twenty years later it still breaks our heart but at least now twenty years of multi state supported terror is behind us and not ahead. We are very confident the structures don't have the ability to plan and enforce the events of ...

 Seriously tho. Je suis. That poor plant. What she could be! Junior talked about Animal Farm because he's doin it at school and how he would prefer it if We never drank booze. We are not in a place to enjoy either conversation. He also talked about what to do if there was infinite money for a day, that was more fun. Especially the garden with a huge dragon statue with an open mouth so it looked like it was swallowing the sun.  High June anxiety. Memories clearing up. We keep seeing someone injecting our feet, its one of those started when foot was really tiny then kept happening now and again over the years. Total terror accompanying it. It's over now yeah? This is a normally at this time of year this thing would happen and often it didn't exactly go down like that but it's always mortal danger, drugged, gun fire, gore, triggered, boats, airplane, uniforms, car chase carnage followed by definite shock and exhaustion and possible injury while back in Blighty surrounded a...

 The home and garden near misses,  the abuses, the little messages and triggers from slavers via neighbors since moving here are hitting us increasingly hard. A woman asking what Junior was saying as we collapsed outside the hospital. At least We think it was outside the hospital because we remember a nurse saying she couldn't help but there was others disagreeing. He was saying he ate scones. Scoffed about one and half down before We could say anything. Didn't mean We should also have eaten one. There was no gag reflex at first when stuck our fingers down his throat. Can't remember much about what happened next and nothing about the day's after, someone stuck their fingers done our throat, passing out We wrapped ourself around him and someone tried to separate us until someone else stopped them. Another time a bunch of guys got up the stairs and We screamed at him to hide. A big lad, in a tiny flat. He curled up by the side of the sofa, clearly visible. We got there in...

 Junior is working on a writing commission from one of the school taxi drivers, he is writing a story with the word 'toast' in it hundreds of times. It started as a joke apparently but now he is actually working on it and the guy's dad who is also a driver sometimes has said he will make sure the son keeps up his side if Junior delivers. Wish it didn't worry us. It was really difficult making the decision to apply for transport, where are the biggest risks for him, walking through town or with council approved taxi drivers? There was someday in horrific weather when he couldn't get a bus home and his leg pains eventually swung it. Pretty sure I'm all out of systems, arrangements, fucking compromises, maybe even shit we can't fight if, when some shit happens I'm not sure what We will do. Maybe We always feel like this though when We know the bullshit peace is about to shatter and We don't understand why We can't just leave or why no one has called...

We are pretty much out of the good stuff and not much okay stuff left either. Hopefully it might lead to angry walking rather than total emotional drowning. Struggling for breath as it is. PMS proper. We have a sense of putting something together that gave the gist of all of it, adding to it over the years then arranging to have it sent out as many people and places as possible at the same time and leaving out those that can't talk to us without being totally fucking horrific. Not sure if some forced their way onto lists anyway. We are just so exhausted. How are we gonna feel when May turns to June. With even a glimpse of a neighbor any neighbor has us anxious, scared, sickened, confused, murderous, frozen and we don't have it in us to hide it, transform it or celebrate it anymore. And it's the same with the school, the NHS, the landlords.. Have to focus on the better stuff while not stopping myself from feeling what We actually feel.  Bought a flower yesterday when went ou...

 Know what's been bothering us today? Did that sweet old lady downstairs drug Junior and Us with scones during our first year? I remember vaguely trying drag myself and himself away. He was drugged and found it kind of funny at the time but I don't believe I've been able to speak about it with him since. It's not okay you know, shit like that happening everywhere they let us live. She's been nice recently gave us a plant for the garden. At least now We can be confident if she does offer anything consumable We will remember it's best to just say no. There is birds nesting in one of the trees behind the wall. We failed to get a picture of it but saw it getting fed. Got these guys those. Got jammies and knickers drying in the warms spring winds. Gonna have a bath.

 Worked our way threw some stuff last night, recent years stuff. Slept most of today and have that weak but cozy feeling. Gotta do some watering later but otherwise, staying cozy. Too windy anyway. Windows came today. It's cool having garden decorating to look forward to. As well as nettle pulling and shrub pruning. And weeding weeding weeding. Watering watering watering Ended up putting some dads of the glow in the dark paint we bought back in Fife on them, will layer a bit more on then clear nail polish them. Doubt we will buy any more maybe some stone looking ones for near the fairy in the wall. Probably not this year though .. There is no beach hedge anyway to completely go too far with.  Junior talked tonight about how sick he is off getting crap from other kids at school. It's so difficult. I just want to tell him he doesn't have to go. But he does. Says the teachers are all great though. At least he doesn't have horrible kids and horrible teachers.. .I guess..

 Windy. Got towels in the machine. Got some uncomfortable feelings about dealing with the area near the steps. There's triggers there. Also triggers in not doing it of course. Not going to buy or attempt to buy a holly again that can wait for another year or another garden. We had a look about this morning when we went to put peanuts out for the flock, checked everything planted in the past few days. Everything in it looks good. Some grief that area has caused seeing it finally start looking good in a way and We know isn't just a bunch of issues just covered up.  We are putting in perennials that might take years to properly get going so there's plenty of sadness over that and a lot of uncertainty about what's next. Christ maybe will be here see it and have good neighbors that don't smash pretty glass lanterns, throw out gifted mini sunflowers, arn't abusive to any teenagers especially autistic very loving ones and never threatened our life for not being able to...