..dear reader..

We stopped playing hours ago but still can't sleep. It's the holidays..no commitments.. Christ the detail we are remembering in. We don't feel much need to put much of it down at the moment and they don't feel like they are going anywhere instead they are just going to keep turning up. Although its not like they are appearing out of nothing, they are not new its our ability to look at it all without shattering that is new.  To look at them the perfect babies and look at the faces of the gang members that played important parts and remember the sound of them laughing and worse without abandoning ourself.  They like to stand about in big groups egging each other on and seeing who laugh the loudest we realised within a week or two that just because some of the laughter sounded fake didn't mean anyone was going to help me or just not be horrible for a little while. Its what they do. We were the best at getting people out so who was going to get us out? We needed to k...

Bit physically uncomfortable today which is triggering in the new updated very real way. We did drink and eat a lot yesterday it's no suprise. New social worker canacelled, love it when they do that. We were never keen anyway but this is his fourth in a year so we are feeling quite intolerant towards them. Term 20O16-17 has ended. He went for the half day be wanted the peace and quiet. Napped a bit then Skyrimed. Been to shop to get some comfort stuff because we can. Feel to all kinds of raw for any "wonder what if anything will happen" thoughts, they are built on amnesia and denial anyway. We remember it must been early enough on that we still noticed what was going on and reacted. They brought a doctor in because an injury, he treated us and told the bloke that brought him in that we wouldn't be able to work for a while and we broke and repeated the word "work" they bloke stabbed and punched and kicked the doctor until he had stabbed him in the heart th...

We okay. Last day before summer break tomorrow. Bit worried about getting lad of the couch over next six weeks. We not bothered about getting ourself out so much. We don't want to go out without help to keep an eye on us and the lad and we to uncomfortable round all the delusional people anyway. More wood for garden is here, enough to do everything we wanted to do, fair bit of work though.  Will be amazing when the last of the wonky wood has gone. I don't know what we will do with the space we make, might look into something that isn't a flower that well help it look nicer in the winter. Shitty weather and the recall have decreased our interest in the garden this last week but its been watered when it needed it and we chucked a few hundred snails out today. Yesterday was rough until our pal turned up with the weed at night. Not so bad that we couldn't get distracted by Skyrim for hours though. We have three houses built now and moved the kids out of the stone city, i...

She is definitely better that Elaine. She isn't involved in white power groups, almost certainly doesn't abuse and allow others to sexually abuse her kids and when we said we had woken up to no baccy and no weed she came round with some already rolled.. Feeling a lot like what we have been saying recently is just the truth. We feel devastated but not confused about what is and isn't real. Well a lot less anyway. She came back later with a wee bit we gave her money for by doing that thing where you pay by switch then immediately take the cash out the machine. We found £4:50 in change and went and got some beers while we waited for her to come back and shared them with her when she got here. We did a decent amount of kitchen cleaning and washing, made curry, it is Sunday after all and played a few minutes of toilet roll bowling on the stairs with lad, had a long shower and are in our clean new bedding thinking we are doing well as well as bad, still really bad all the time...

We took washing off the line and other stuff out, put the newest stuff in the machine. It is lovely, thick and the colours really vibrant. The sun was came out and we sat on the step for a little while but the wind was freaking us out so we came back in, brushed, flossed our teeth and washed our face then came back to bed. Feeling all shaky we can't eat. We did lots of that last night when drunk. Think we will manage to cook for him later if not us. There is been stuff come up about "armed forces day" but the set stuff up for most days. The military involvement though, the switch from British uniform giving us very mixed feelings to just bad and sad ones. Dumbass soliders are going to find it much easier to believe people who are their superiors and who look like what their superiors normally look like that people their superiors are telling them are the enemy.  So many conflicting needs and ambitions from people who are used to always getting their way. Our child fles...

It's Saturday. Pabs is in his Pikachu onesie and has just taken a plate of food up to the living room, the weather said overcast and windy and thats what it is. It's predicted a whole week of overcast and rain we really hope it's at least a bit wrong coz our mood is going to be as overcast as the skies. Least we are ok for weed today anyway, we got a comfy bed and Princess puss here with us and Skyrim to hide in later.. We are very sad though. It's a pointless very emotional wish that the abuse could of stopped after the conception of the twins, just stopped dead all of it and left me with two very good products of all that horror and terror and violence. If they just could of left us there in that horrible house with those horrible people, we would of got us all out eventually and Margo would of fine with them anyway if we were being left to it. We are aware know of course of why there is so many mixed emotions hugging children and not just in a could take good gu...

Thank fuck there is another week. Another week where we can hide in Skyrim when he's at school, think I'm going to get married this time, been building my second manor bit disappointed the plans are so limited but we have beds for the kids this time, a trophy room and a kitchen which isn't in our other place. How can you not get into all the buying and building of Skyrim abodes? The guards were talking about the Solitude house and that is the best as far as we remember with most in it and the most floors.. The only place we have never owned is in Windhelm because we ended up with Stormcloaks and are not about to deliver the axe which would result in an attack being lauched on the place where you get your first home, even if we do have somewhere to take the kids.. Refusing to take it off Expert mode we put it on when we first started the new edition and it was so easy and had forgot how hard loads of it is once you get going. So we die a lot. Then try various different ap...

If it was sunny it might of pulled us out quite early today. We have small perennials to evict from the only planter that would fit the willow obelisk which arrived yesterday and is fucking stunning. The clematis does need out its little pot, it was the strongest of the three when they arrived but as its the pink one and the other two are white and purple and the pots they were yellow and purple of course we the pink had to wait for the willow round pyramid.. We had spending issues last week.. We are quite good at filling our basket and then cutting it right back but there is 3 metal silhouettes of fairies on sticks and ... da da daa da da dah! a fucking washing line pole that we have needed pretty much since we have got here. There was a half broken one for a while but that was stood on like two years ago.. We have literally having to limbo and dance around clean washing whilst covered in mud and cat poop. Not clever.. Looks like the obelisk is gonna perfectly fit that planter. It...

We're all right, it's Tuesday and we have eventually clicked that we can put the shopping order in on Monday because the money goes out the same day as the shopping goes out and we've been hanging out with a lass that can hook us up with weed from various sources, it was sunnier the forecast predicted in our gorgeous little backy but we do need to ease up on the smoking and the drinking when the sunshine cause we ended up losing our pizza big style. They weren't identical. They were a boy and girl. We hide that even more from ourself to avoided the knowledge and the experience of the girls having even less chance than the males, especially the non white ones. They killed the boy first like they just wanted to get it out the way so they could start on the girl. Someone stepped in and ended it quicker than some of them wanted but we don't know how much to trust the images and patterns in our head. How can we? The boundary between me that knows and me that can't...

They weren't our first pregnancy but they were the first we couldn't get out and the first time when they raped and tortured someone we loved along with us. We had focused so hard on keeping our sisters out of it and knew they had spotted our need to see him and we knew we wouldn't be able to resist them the way things were forever. The violence was extreme and daily. We were mostly locked up and tied up in the room which was often guarded and always watched. No they weren't our first pregnancy but they were the first that we didn't agree to have smuggled out. We knew their lives would be horrific but we couldnt not try to keep them alive and that meant they were going into trafficking or be murdered in front of me. We couldn't give them what they wanted so it would continue but we were pretty sure they were taking steps to make sure that even if we wanted to give them it we wouldn't be able to. Like we have said so many times before they were rings and ind...

Quite exciting.  After the lad came home and Skyrim wasn't an option we worked in the garden.  Racked tonnes of chuckies, ripped out the rotten wood, put the ferns in a temporay planter, dug some then put in new much nicer much stronger wood edging, then raked tonnes more chuckies. It has always bugged me the rotten plants that had been put in to create the levels. One of them was long gone when it crumbled when some one stood on it. The depth of the accumulated sliding chuckies was pretty ugly. Now there is a proper level right across, we worked really hard. They are not perfectly straight or anything but they are deep enough in and are sturdy.  It was 40 quidish and free delivery for them, they are exactly what we needed we couldn't click away from that.. Supposed to rain tomorrow morning but we will see about the evening. We need to be hoover up all the mud we have trapesed down stairs anyway and do something about the kitchen floor.. CPN came round today. We had lo...

My God when we eventually scored... Last Summer.. Man. Tonnes in loads of detail and coherent. Just amazing. Pabs had his shower and sent to bed with a bowl of ice cream, strawberrries and sweets and another owl with Pringles in it so he isn't complaining too loudly of neglect. I'm in bed with the rest of the Pringles and the glass or two of pink and a blueberry muffin. We fucking did it. "We'll get the mini one down first then the other one." And thats what happened. We have already written about the mini one. We had made the decision about lowering it slowly for lots of reasons. So as many people would know and get there in time to see it destroyed and know it was happening. If we dropped it and destroyed it quickly we wouldn't be able process what had just happened never mind anyone else.  There was no way around it being completly utterly overwhelming but we had to do whatever we could to manage that in anyway we could and of course if people didn...

Had shower and climbed back in our lovely soft bed. We managed to phone Niall and he's put money in our account but can't get any supplies. We managed about two minutes of CNN but can't escape the seeing and knowing they are crappy people speaking crap. It was State of the Nation though and that is particularly crappy, were gonna talk politics and have a whole lotta fun like none of it really matters because it doesn't to them. Their comfy, they have distractions, they have health care and well paid careers that Trumpism is making more interesting while people are dying and losing hope and opportunities everywhere.  Seem here with Mayday and the rotten rotten Tories and their Blairite mates. At least there is more political opposition  to all the blatant class war and scapegoating but the rotten rotten press is as rotten as it ever was. We will probs vote tomorrow its something to do, there doesn't seem to be too much programming stopping us, plenty programming s...

Oh dear. We are almost out of hash, have less than a quid in change, its a year on, its June we are alone in Scotland, there is the election, the Comey interview and this skint week. Oh fuck. At least we know we are able to get the kid to school and he will probably definitely wont die or be  attacked horrificly just the normal bullied by kids and not tolerated much by some adults of course.. And we will probably not become to ill to hide and be well distracted by Skyrim. Still though even with lots of support this would be a difficult week. I hate that children have to be publicly blown up and confirmed by MSM as such for this culture to give a fuck about them. Hate that people see the solution to kids being being bombed is arming the people who would protect their rapists. That is so fucking sick. We done well the past few days though. We forced the lad to weed the front because of tude and then ended up finishing it ourself, chucking rubbish in the shed and half fillin...

Ug. Really struggling to be a mummy. It hurts so much and is so exhausting just to try and make my voice sound mumsy. We showed as many people we could about how they program kids to act around us and how they program us to be triggered by that which was not many. We felt bad about how much we needed to see our Mum and Gran see it just so we could see the fury that would rise in them. We needed to know someone would be holding on to that specific fury because it was too much for us. We needed them to know how hard and specifically our ability to parent Pablo or any of them was being hit because we was impossible or pointless to get people to understand or to help down here. Must of got it out to more peoples last year though. "You know those people that were showing you tapes to prove I was safe in Scotland? Well here is what they were actually doing. Now have seen that are you still take their word over mine? Then you will be escorted off site.." Fed us and him though.. ...

Good rain. We got the new duvet cover in in time and wont have to water the borders. Feeling quite messed up after last post. We probably knew we would of but it what we do with this blog is consciously and unconsciously go down a list of stuff we were repeatedly tortured and told not to ever share in any way. There is fuck all else for us to do. Without much in the way of large scale overarching denials still functioning "going somewhere" is fucking laughable for so so reasons. Other things to that in previous years we would write about wishing we could do and at least wished we wanted to do just doesn't seem like something we would want to do. There is very little written than could help us that we haven't already read and doing anything that that helps us involves enormous amounts of efforts to get past the Pavlovian fucking programming. OMD. In the club. Bruises still yellow and pale blue. Dancing my ass off. Hugs. Weeping. Questions from others we couldn't...

A couple of tiny plants arrived today and they are still in their box.. We are in a place with the garden where we can sit in it and enjoy it but can't imagine wanting to lots of work in it. It's obvs just where we are at today. Woke up late, like 12ish but wasn't in state from dreams or soaked through. Wish we could just hide in Skyrim for real forever. We a adopted a girl yesterday, then accidentally got involved in launching a large scale assault on the town where our house is. So we went back to an earlier save.. fuck that.. it would of lead to game content we haven't seen before but still.. fuck that.. we will have to earn more influence and try and find a peaceful solution I'm the bloody dragonborn I can't be getting involved in shit like that! We've to find out about the demon hunter people and the Vampire hunting group. Fuck yeah. Lol. It does mean that once again we have to do the initial joining of the Champions shit. Every fucking time we fuck up...

The mesmawotsits arrived today. They had been in a box all the long weekend so they will probs take a day or two to recover. Plenty sun on them today and watered them plenty so they probs will be fine and will see flowers from them soon. Dude's social worker seemed more impressed with the size of the garden than all the work being done. He's off soon anyway. Great. We would love to be able to tell them politely that they are not needed but he got us out the house today and we played a game of crazy golf that wouldn't of happened otherwise. We were pretty anxious about it before hand. That was yesterday. The car journey and before hand were pretty awful and of course triggers when we got there but it was okay and a bit of a laugh at times. We are drinking more than we usually do, sitting on the bench now its been built in the evening sun. Burning through our supplies. It's not just the money, its the having to ask and hoping they can be arsed to help us out. We hate a...