June 19, 2017

Since the twins

They weren't our first pregnancy but they were the first we couldn't get out and the first time when they raped and tortured someone we loved along with us. We had focused so hard on keeping our sisters out of it and knew they had spotted our need to see him and we knew we wouldn't be able to resist them the way things were forever. The violence was extreme and daily. We were mostly locked up and tied up in the room which was often guarded and always watched. No they weren't our first pregnancy but they were the first that we didn't agree to have smuggled out. We knew their lives would be horrific but we couldnt not try to keep them alive and that meant they were going into trafficking or be murdered in front of me. We couldn't give them what they wanted so it would continue but we were pretty sure they were taking steps to make sure that even if we wanted to give them it we wouldn't be able to. Like we have said so many times before they were rings and individuals with overlaping interests they weren't all exactly the same and there was a hell of a lot more just doing and repeating what they were told than people who really knew what they doing and what was going on.

But when they brought Pac in and got me pregnant with twins kept us both locked and chained up doing endless horrible things to us both and then getting people some parts of Pac thought might help us to do the slaughtering we truly broke. They got their genuine catatonic state followed by long term amnesia. Not like it ended their our sisters were brought in because we would do nothing and wouldn't wake up which got us physically up at some point but not mentally or emotionally. It like everything else was set up years before, we remember some night in the or a Glen with someone who looks like Beyonce being told her twins would life of privilage while mines would be slaughtered and it would happen through lots of rape to me when I was still a child. We knew lots of the things they said would not happen or would not happen like they said so we were focused on that but we remember wondering if she had any awareness of what was going on around her or if she was just repeating her lines. He was white British possibly Scottish, organised crime. It was very lonely.

We lost so much that we had done so well to keep a hold of in the year or two where they had us like that with no help getting through. It's why we hate it here. They had so much control over us for so long because of it. Any one can and has been phoned up on their mobiles and told to bring it up to trigger us and we knew we couldn't address those triggers while still so close to the conditions and circumstances where it was able to happen and happen for so long.  I don't know how long after we agreed to pretend everything was normal and that we were Louise Johnston or how many people we killed before we could do that. They made Pac and me say goodbye to each other, I think he said this wasn't goodbye and I agreed and we both wept. The trafficker said some shit that both of us were mostly immune to.

It doesn't have the same control over us know of course or we wouldn't be writing or being where we are at. Last summer and all the summer wars before it. They put him there because they wanted to destroy the sense that we could survive anything as long as he loved us and they were right he couldn't get us through it but we had 37 sisters would could and did and we never blamed him for anything they did to us both anyway. I think we were about 12, 13 it was after he was officially dead so he and we knew he wasn't missed.

We lost all hope for Scotland, for the UK for everywhere then and never really got it back, how can we? The only reason I am not still in those condtions or dead is because one of the things we are trained to do when we break is go proper Berserker and kill a lot of people over impressive distances sometimes and vomit inducing numbers. There was also a fair bit of convincing them they had gotten what they wanted when we didn't have the energy for that and got very skilled at it very quickly. Learning stuff was easy it filled our head with something mentionable something we could work with.

Now of course now hubs isn't a constant state of terror about what could happen to me and Pablo if the locals triggered us with it he can finally breathe but has shit to do before he could come here if here is where we are to fucking remain despite explaining so so much of all this to all kinds of local, national, continental and international authorities and intelligence agencies of the extreme dangers and possible consequences and that really really sucks its horrible knowing in all kinds of detail bad for the position most people in power are and being powerless to do anything. 

The twins though, they had fed us up so they looked healthy when they born. They weren't alive for long but they wanted the babies to look thriving for the slaughter so we were left alone with them quite a bit over the next days, it wasn't more a week or so. Someone said something about us trying to escape, we hadn't we knew there was no point but we knew it was pretend anyway just part of their sick dramas that they liked to get lots and lots of people involved in.

How can you care about people that let all this happen to you when it could of been stopped it could of been resisted more there was help available but people were turning it down. The soldiers that we wrote about months back let them in. It's not the abuse stopped after the murders. They sent in endless gloaters and more torture. 

They were beautiful and so easy to love and so many people are riding high or living normal lives telling themselves they were justified in their involvment in it all and that they had no choice whilst also knowing that that is crap we were never any threat to them or their pissy life styles. 

I don't want to end this on them though. It happened and we are not so completely broken by it any more that we never wake up properly. We are not petrified of people just incase they remind us about it either intentionally or otherwise but we haven't got very far with all they hate though.

Good luck hubs, hope it all goes like clockwork.