June 29, 2017


Bit physically uncomfortable today which is triggering in the new updated very real way. We did drink and eat a lot yesterday it's no suprise. New social worker canacelled, love it when they do that. We were never keen anyway but this is his fourth in a year so we are feeling quite intolerant towards them. Term 20O16-17 has ended. He went for the half day be wanted the peace and quiet. Napped a bit then Skyrimed.

Been to shop to get some comfort stuff because we can. Feel to all kinds of raw for any "wonder what if anything will happen" thoughts, they are built on amnesia and denial anyway. We remember it must been early enough on that we still noticed what was going on and reacted. They brought a doctor in because an injury, he treated us and told the bloke that brought him in that we wouldn't be able to work for a while and we broke and repeated the word "work" they bloke stabbed and punched and kicked the doctor until he had stabbed him in the heart then punched and kicked him when he was on the ground someone until he died. Don't think it was early enough on that we were physically sick. Not that time.

I believe there are still folk peddling the line that we killed the doctor.

Other times requires operating theatres. We open our eyes back in that room after being somewhere else after being literally cared for. It was so horrible. Other times everything and everyone was just brought to the room or one of their warehouses that were used for porn and storage.

They tried taking us to parties and clubs but we wouldn't smile or speak so they would give up on that. We didn't want to do anything that would make it easier for them to make a penny out of us. We couldn't do anything about what we are but we do what we could to not comply. We couldn't anyway we weren't there we could rarely even hear what was being said to us.

Don't have much appetite today. We need our family. We are never going to not need our family anyway but now we need them even more. At least the denial isn't an uncrossable barrier it was when we would have to hide from the rare moments we get because we couldn't handle seeing them, seeing the knowledge of them and it in there eyes. Dad grabbed us though and held us tight and said we didn't have to look at him we just had to let him hold us, so we did and we were able to be again just for a moment and remember times that weren't really really bad all the time.

It's linking up a bit isn't in? Well it has in our head anyway don't know where any readers are that. Hopefully starting to see the common supremacy, casual disregard for human rights and suffering and fear and revulsion of social and cultural progress that unites everything that has happened to us and the politics and the media in the U.K and the U.S and Russia and others.

What was it we said about our contract that runs out about now. I think there may of been increasing amounts of "fuck it we are going help fight for Tera". What did we find, before when we could still be awake and know everything we know. Something that broke our heart because we knew it meant there was no quick solutions and that was going to mean the decades of horror for us that it meant. Something about Earth. Whatever it was we don't have that fear anymore either, whatever it was taken somewhere it would be safer and not enslaved. For years we made out like that was what was going until they stopped responding to reports of it going on and got it done.

Obviously we couldn't get anything done during most of all this so they were free to present whatever they liked and try and force us and our sisters involvement in it for as long they liked a lot to.

Thats not keeping any peace, that's trying to ensure perpetual war while war was the only way we won or was granted any space or quality of life. "They are mostly not that smart" We would think when we were cozy in khaki in some base or compound somewhere wondering if they employing reverse psychology there.. "But a handful of them are" "Then we will bring the war to them". Then we pulled up our pants and shorts, flushed and washed out hands then back to the yard,getting the exercise we could and trying not to tell whoever was pretending to be in charge to shut the fuck up.

They are still going be massive amounts of people with lives on evil rails and no will to get off them. We saw figuring that out as a social science job rather than a military one but we are sure trying to get a good picture of it ruined them before they even got going at doing anything about it.

We remembering weeping in gratitude another time because we were given local anaesthetic before being stitched.

Gonna have to chuck the lad of the xbox soon.