June 30, 2017

Duvet Day

We stopped playing hours ago but still can't sleep. It's the holidays..no commitments.. Christ the detail we are remembering in. We don't feel much need to put much of it down at the moment and they don't feel like they are going anywhere instead they are just going to keep turning up. Although its not like they are appearing out of nothing, they are not new its our ability to look at it all without shattering that is new.  To look at them the perfect babies and look at the faces of the gang members that played important parts and remember the sound of them laughing and worse without abandoning ourself.  They like to stand about in big groups egging each other on and seeing who laugh the loudest we realised within a week or two that just because some of the laughter sounded fake didn't mean anyone was going to help me or just not be horrible for a little while.

Its what they do. We were the best at getting people out so who was going to get us out? We needed to know people were trying sometimes but we also knew they would be killed, maybe kept and worked and raped for a while then killed. We heard a guy begging once and wondered if we had sounded like that, we really couldn't remember.  They put him out of his misery eventually and we were alone again and we missed him even though he just cried all the time and was impossible to teach anything to.

Would it really be possible to not be alone? We are starting to consider that question with out all the internal shut downs and ended communications, petrified emotional parts back in full blown crisis. Some groups were into giving you some life essentials and allowing you to have a break and heal because they got better work out of us when we were used others just wanted as much as they could for us that hour and preferable agonising and degrading as possible. They would go all quiet when things got near fatal and would all stare into my eyes as I passed out. Skills and techniques and technology were traded and shared and fought over. Sometimes we would just weep like a littler girl or say no but not much else.

But the memories of times with my sisters, parents (!?), friends, husband are much realer and much less confusing now to. We do have other stuff in our head and in our flesh to give us safe spaces from all the horribleness. The way he looked at us when they brought him into the room, he didn't care what they were going to do to him he was just so relieved to be with me.

Ug we promised the lad we would cook him the left over burger and he is holding us to it.