June 29, 2017

Voodoo Child

We okay. Last day before summer break tomorrow. Bit worried about getting lad of the couch over next six weeks. We not bothered about getting ourself out so much. We don't want to go out without help to keep an eye on us and the lad and we to uncomfortable round all the delusional people anyway. More wood for garden is here, enough to do everything we wanted to do, fair bit of work though.  Will be amazing when the last of the wonky wood has gone. I don't know what we will do with the space we make, might look into something that isn't a flower that well help it look nicer in the winter. Shitty weather and the recall have decreased our interest in the garden this last week but its been watered when it needed it and we chucked a few hundred snails out today.

Yesterday was rough until our pal turned up with the weed at night. Not so bad that we couldn't get distracted by Skyrim for hours though. We have three houses built now and moved the kids out of the stone city, it was sun set when we where there today it was amazing.. We finally have our armoury it's not completely set up yet but once its filled with sets of different armour its going to look amazing.. Green house it pretty cool to. We have started a bit of trying to organise our books in the library but not for long will go back to it though!  Don't know how many are in my inventory but we need to figure which we want for our proper library or will do for decoration in other houses..


Everything is realer now. It's what we needed to survive and as the basis of whatever future we might have but it means the protective dissociative bubble that protected us from everything that has happened is burst and we are left facing it all and all its realness from the prospective of how it was experienced separately, how it effected others as well some insights into how we managed to organise ourself as best we could to protect as much as we could from everything they were trying on us.  We have the recalls of this time last year but as always the extremeness the loss and the having to pretend none of it happened take away so much of the goodness, the winning and connectedness.

We can't reach the mantras we have had to get us through feeling like this, they were made to keep us working anyway and this is different but we can't let us that lived that horrific captivity down, it's not like they ask for much, just physical safety and weed but to get them that has been very very difficult and we are all tired and need to lean on someone but there is no one around to lean on.

They are there for us though, if not here. We can feel that better when we start seeing faces again and just remembering normally.

The sky is pink tonight we can see it through the green trees from our window, it's lovely. It's not right that we are here though even if we do have a toilet, water, enough food and can see out a window. We would never agree to this, we shouldn't be here, it's all wrong.

Tonight we have. We have a noodle shin cup at our bedside, a bairn has our the fluffy hot water bottle that we used for long and in so much pain with his new bedding that he hasn't been raped in either. We have wine, cats that are out our curled up near the bottom of our duvet which new and clean of torture (We told them we would never buy spots, someone said we could just be saying that, we said how desperate and exhausted we were and because it was true most of them believed it except for the worst of the women but that was there job to never believe us and be against everything we said all the time anyway). We have Spotify premium and big skins. We got our kid to school over the last week before summer. We have asthma inhalers, anti depressants and a contraceptive that keeps that pain away. But we can't see our family and we can't do our work and the bad guys and the worst of the women are still in charge everywhere.

We got through it. The worst of the worst ever all organised to destroy and control us and we here publishing posts we said we would never write when they had us or told them word for word when they didn't because knowing that even if they could remember it enough to tell someone else they wouldn't be believed. Everyone had been bullshitting and getting involved in all kinds of creative fiction to hoodwink everyone else and did what they were told to do if their system barriers started malfunctioning. They literally grassed themselves up and volunteered for horrific torture to stop themselves from hearing themselves and from feeling or thinking independently and off script.

The justifications they came out with, remarkable and we knew the contradiction between what they were saying to me in the setting they were saying it and their work clothes, their phones, their car keys, their other public relationships was just another aspect of the pointless contradictory fuckedupness that we came to identify as Satanism after many years of them saying thats what they were. Those we saw day to day when locked up were not being made to study it they were just accepting the might is right and the fear that change would take away the only good things they had. As long as they make sure that the good things in their life have come about by evil then there is truth to this, its standard teaching in non pleby Satanic communities and institutions. They are fucking impossible to avoid here in the U.K. There is just fuck all else left. Sanitized.

They were mine. Truly mine. We knew we couldn't hand them over and we knew no one was getting us out. Brits and the Russians said you were working for them. The Americans said you were safe. Hiding. But safe. They took their pay checks and spread the lies, betraying everything and everyone who ever cared for them.  They let calls through sometimes. Calls they knew we would answer coz we were so out in the cold, agents in whatever fields in horrific danger that their employer wasn't going to help with when watched so closely we could do nothing, knowing it would make us snap sooner or later and they would see what we did and destroy whatever and whoever we had left. It was horrible and so hard making sure we did nothing before we knew their view was fucked with first.

It makes sense that we spend out thirties behaving like a loner teen. Smoking pot, munching, listening to tunes and writing. We were not given that privilege or opportunity much. We seemed to have a lot of the time pregnant, captive and tortured or running from people who wanted to keep us pregnant, captive and tortured or fighting them. Besides its berry season so we are eating raspberries and strawberries as well as junk.

We catch ourself having moments of real adult appetites to work, to learn, to see, to be known by someone. It hurts that we can nothing but acknowledge it and try and accept but not cling to the relief in knowing it will pass because there is nothing around to sustain it, to involve her. She'll end up going somewhere. We always do and they have less means to watch us at that level than ever. It's just a shame that getting rid of those means has cost us so much that we struggle to feel true and real enough to do that work again. We are not actually in our teens anymore. We know that partly because we are able to know anything consciously for any length of time we couldn't do much of that in our teens at all ever. There was no reaching us. We were with our babies.

We said it didn't stop didn't we. We have been having flashes of them bringing out rotten babies after triggering. It was something they did. They bring you out and you know it wont stop until they are convinced you are out then they do stuff so you never be out again.

We have gotten through and past the being kept tied up and raped for days. The raped, tied up and pregnant for months and months. We have made sure we can survive what ever they will attempt by us remembering holding them. Remembering it all and then making the tea for me and the lad.

We are.