June 20, 2017

Tuesday

We're all right, it's Tuesday and we have eventually clicked that we can put the shopping order in on Monday because the money goes out the same day as the shopping goes out and we've been hanging out with a lass that can hook us up with weed from various sources, it was sunnier the forecast predicted in our gorgeous little backy but we do need to ease up on the smoking and the drinking when the sunshine cause we ended up losing our pizza big style.

They weren't identical. They were a boy and girl. We hide that even more from ourself to avoided the knowledge and the experience of the girls having even less chance than the males, especially the non white ones. They killed the boy first like they just wanted to get it out the way so they could start on the girl. Someone stepped in and ended it quicker than some of them wanted but we don't know how much to trust the images and patterns in our head. How can we? The boundary between me that knows and me that can't is so much less than it always was. It's battered, opaque and even just not there in some places and we arn't scared or phobic of it any more but there isn't any joy or relief in watching it disintegrate we are to worn out from throwing everything we can at it.

We haven't told us what we named them. How can we give them those weapons? But they wanted them I think even in Dundee they were still trying to torture and terrorise that out of us and were just pushing it all further down.

We ate food after loosing all our pizza and then having to swirl it down the sink while sitting on the toilet feeling very very ill. Strawberries, raspberries, chocolate moose, cream, crisps, noodles .. so we are okay.

We miss them always and were told to, through out our teens if we ever got lost in our parts and almost felt good there was always some bastard close enough to bring it up. Sick cunts. In our twenties we had gotten a bit better at getting through people bringing it up. Some of them wanted us so dissociated that it was all impossible to trigger and others of course needed it to still work because it was the only real way they had of forcing us down. So we had to not be us so it wouldn't work, which was exactly what some needed. Eventually we figured out ways to be us and survive the triggering but it took a long time. There was never any time, space or safety for recovery but we fought and put everything into breaking that wall and accepting the memory of them without it destroying us because we knew that was the only way we could stop it from happening again. It worked of course there are always going to be parties interested in putting us through it again, we must be very confident they can't reach us if we are writing this.

Looking pretty cute isn't it?