June 01, 2017

nah that's not Frances.. that's Katya

The mesmawotsits arrived today. They had been in a box all the long weekend so they will probs take a day or two to recover. Plenty sun on them today and watered them plenty so they probs will be fine and will see flowers from them soon. Dude's social worker seemed more impressed with the size of the garden than all the work being done. He's off soon anyway. Great. We would love to be able to tell them politely that they are not needed but he got us out the house today and we played a game of crazy golf that wouldn't of happened otherwise. We were pretty anxious about it before hand.

That was yesterday. The car journey and before hand were pretty awful and of course triggers when we got there but it was okay and a bit of a laugh at times. We are drinking more than we usually do, sitting on the bench now its been built in the evening sun. Burning through our supplies. It's not just the money, its the having to ask and hoping they can be arsed to help us out. We hate all that but usually not as much as not having. We will see what happens later on today. June the fucking first twenty fucking seventeen. And this fucking blog and the contents of our head are our only support system.  Not chuffed. Fucking terrified. Knowing that physically me and lad have systems to prevent the worst is better than just cynically knowing we were unlikely to die but were very likely to be very close to it as has been the case usually at this time in previous years.

Regular readers will know "Summer" is not just a season where we try and get as brown as possible but also refers to a part or rather a subsystem of parts as that is what "us" or "I" generally means. Folks from some scenes know her as lovely, beautiful dresses and carries herself very femininely and is easy and funny and charming to talk to. Last June when she came up in plans and conversations her very name was enough to make some of our sisters and other hardcore soldiers puke. Violence wise, Summer does all lot of our long and short term planning and execution. Jealously so. She never got addicted to truth drugs and she can get by without a smoke better than most of the rest of us because she knows in great detail that we are making a difference and how. That is also how she can be so lovely, it costs her nothing, its fun and it helps her get where she wants to be and get out again after. She's a fabulous actress and her favourite role to play is young female pretty happy summertime girl.

The system that has a face that would locally be identified as "Ms Frances Grieve" wept with relief when she she was told that would be the part of us that would be around in the pre programming and watching her back this year when she gets a shot at being boss at attempting to free my ass.  We wept in relief when we spoke to her properly for the first time in fucking years from that fucking flat in Fintry. She told us how useful and how much everyone where she was loved this blog when we were close to giving up on completely because it was going to get us killed. All that bad things and repercussions that we knew would happen were all happening on a massive scale while none of the possible good for us was happening. Things were so soo awful. Talking to her helped us get our head and heart around it all and figure out survival priorities and keep ourself and the alf alive until now.

Nightmare are pretty much every night, rapey dreams involving the prick who we can't buy from any more because he owes us money. And cause none of them are safe.

When Summer has got other plans than being present her with us its so fucking scary knowing she is watching out for us helps a bit I suppose but not much because we know that wouldn't be happening unless the dangers were particularly extreme. Also probably because we left with the traumas that made her and the traumas she took for the rest of us without her presence and that is fucking grim. It's short term though. Of course and she gets results.