March 27, 2016

And when they make us forget everything we just start again and we always end up in the same place.

Time change the same as Ester almost never made it through a few of them and lots didn't in a DID way and in a being murdered during gang rape kind of way. Think we might of just overcooked the corn feed chicken yesterday though.

Wobbled over taking the gabapentin at regular intervals instead instead of being reminded of it when we start really wanting to die. The antidepressants that we went to so much crap to get are still setting at the chemist. Funnily enough we disengage with the medical profession when interactions with the medical profession cause health problems. Fucking obvious the first time or so someone seems really understanding and well briefed and then after that is a cold cunt. Its a pattern we see to often to not notice even when we are really trying not to.

This is the last time we need to remind our self not to go to that particular GP. There will always been a very strong sense of shit going on when we engage with doctors in particular and that stops us from being able to watch the triggers, support ourself. Too dissociated. Abusers often very specific and insistent that certain doctors are seen and certain things are said and of course as its not our ID various other people have seen docs with specific instructions on how to behave and what to say that has gone into the records..

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong, keep your mind set.

Stick the oven on, put some frozen potatoes on a tray, chuck some chicken on a plate.

We were talking about timelines, she gave us a big roll of paper for us to use and a cardboard tube to carry them in if we did them. She was saying she didn't believe we would ever be able to have a timeline of our life in any way. We said we already had it, not to share with likes of her or our self in this state though of course. It was fucking compulsory. It was almost like torture the way the bastards would make us go over it and not be too scared to talk about any or all of it. Almost. Making sure we had parts was just them doing there job. A job we agreed was necessary and were happy to support them with and be in charge of because of stuff that I knew if we told them about when it was ongoing they would go and get themselves killed over if we told them.