March 09, 2016

He loves me like a rock..

Its over. Yeah right. No more satanic shrinks, child rapist drinking companions, no more or at least very little BS family, no more buying weed from a bloke who a bloke who brings up bairns to sell them.

We do believe it its just we believe that all being over also means no hope of seeing people who love us or doing work we love again either.

Of course there were awful times when she hurt us to and she told us we would find it really difficult to get back into therapy, especially letting people work with the littles because of what she was doing. She told us we would not be safe if we went back into therapy and neither would Pabs. It was the kind of thing that would only get to us if we were already down. 

When she told us our period was late she was doing the you poor pitiful creature routine. Much more effective than when she told us she had written a letter saying we shouldn't get custody of Sonny to us in an arrangement that was amnesiac to Sonny's existence but isn't amnesiac to our non existence legally and how that was enforced in all official bodies or the fact that we can trust ourself. We fucked up at times by thinking she must of being playing stupid abuser when she wasn't she really was that badly informed and really did believe in the power of bullying, abusing a DID system can keep them under total control. That only appears to work with people who have accepted they are part of an extremely violent network and get pleasure from inflicting misery.

She told us her official abuser satanic title and confessed a whole heat of shit in attempts to trigger and terrify us into breaking down and giving up permanently. We were wearing a wire. Usual, we don't expect immediate results from most of the work we did but we did get information out. We would show people what we were fighting, how generations had been trashed and limited for decades and how they had them supporting it.

In the last email she wrote that if there was anything she could help with to let her know.. Today we saw a sheet about dissociation she gave us when she was acting like a really nice person. It lists things DID ppl need and it triggered incidents of her deliberately doing the exact opposite.

Been thinking about Laura today as well how the rings and their reps Todd's, Elaine, Scuff and co (we didn't have to spend time with any if the others in situations that weren't ingoing trafficking so we can't remember their names so easy) made her and the bairns life hell and killed her. If we were in current possession of the names of the Aberdeen rings that the bairns dad is in deep with we would be sharing them here and now but knowing that we will have helps at various times to various people both local, national and international helps. Not knowing what if anything is being done of course is a nightmare. Poor tykes with those loveless cunts.

She told us not to mention that she was an abuser when the benefit reviews come up we said she just made it certain that we would, if they happen of course maybe we wont need to because of access to our own legally earned money you never know. She looked uncomfortable then I can't remember what happen next she either threatened some shit we didn't hear or went back to pretending she was our therapist and we were in a therapy session

God I hope Leigh got out. Surely.

We remember crying with you Dad or someone who had to stand in cause theres so much effort to keep us from taking to you and we need you when we said on the phone that she had told us we were late. And you, they said it would most likely be the last time but we refused to hear in case it wasn't true but we guessed straight after what was said. 20 years of rape and unwanted pregnancies, miscarriages caused through violence,  births surrounded by abusers and traffickers.  We think we infiltrated them to send out orders to have pills forced on us when out and about the got the pills switched so they abortion pills. We probably just vacated once the pills were ingested the most vivid memory is seeing the blue lights in the sunshine on motorway when the train was near one and wondering what they were about someone else thinking probably us, not really caring then sinking away again.

She didn't seem to gloaty afterwards her and Elaine were so similar at times we could predict what crap we would be getting from one from the other.  We told her if she hadnt announced to our entire system that we were pregnant we probably wouldn't of been able to do anything about it and if she wanted to undermine our certainty that she was 100% abuser she had gone the right way about it. She said that hadn't been her intention and we believed her but didn't show it because it seemed to annoy her. Its not fucking easy or pleasant pretending to be grade A sick assed traffickers or their lackies that's ordering some kind of hit on yourself it needs lots and lots of us working together and finding ways to delve into very very bad times and nip back out again really quickly.

We sat there looking at how much ourself we had opened up to and found to be not abusive during the process and couldn't help feel glad that we had been forced to get in touch with us and how glad we were to be alive. We told her about that to. Think she got so uncomfortable she shifted in her chair.

"Why isn't it working" is something that's been said to us and near us many many times. Its cause our Daddy loves us. They can write and spread all the filth they like. They arnt gonna convince him.

Fuck you Jacqui Law. We never need any specific abuser to tell us we arnt safe. We arnt from here. The reason we are here is cause its the easiest place to keep us unsafe.