March 13, 2016

I do, I do, I do!

It is nice to be here. When Jacqui told us we wouldn't be able to decorate his room we would be too tired we didn't think she really believed it. There was often a "its your choice" with a sense that it wouldn't be a good idea and if that didn't work threats would get less and less veiled. The aggression less subtle.

Ah thank you for triggering the memory of that torture session the amnesia another ring forces on us really gets in the way of us processing stuff but now you have brought to mind whats bothering us we feel much better..

I guess when slave production networks and facilitates are sold by the military they forget to include proper instructions. You would think they didn't care..

She tried to convince parts that our tiredness, our depression, our PTSD was all down to her. Yeah Jacqui we would say just you and Elaine and the Todd's and the Johnston's all by your selves if we were really lucky she would start listing others and going into details. We knew that the longer we looked traumatised the more she would say. Sometimes of course we had vulnerable and amnesiac and were deeply traumatised other times she would stop cause our stupid face would light up at the info she was giving. Stuff we had needed to be spread between parts and outside people for years but couldn't and know she was doing it for us.

She got to us more when she talked about the damage done to Pabs and her role and support in all that. But we would split in ways she couldnt predict and the rest of can question to deal with it. Sometimes she started gloating about what was being done to other kids. If we were able we would get professional, start taking about how she and people like her had undergone procedures and victimised in ways that meant she was incapable of feeling any emotions and were then trained to become addicted to extreme abuse as the only way to feel anything or any connection to anyone. Then we used the words she used a lot to mess with parts who weren't sure is she was being sarcastic or not, "Its very sad" but we weren't being sarcastic.

She said it about some of our blog posts that told the truth. She didn't suggest it was sad that we would be punished for what we had written it was stated. But we can't fucking remember we were to busy breathing at the time and staying primed for a physical attack then and there.

Its never gets easy to hear people being either overtly support child torture or be complacent about child abuse. Its something sick fucks always have against people who arnt sick fucks. They do what they do because it gets the results they want, it's an algorithm. Thinking about human beings who appear quite normal or even lovely but underneath everything they do is part of inhumane plots and schemes doesn't get easier. We just learned how to ground ourself in people who weren't like that.

Doors have been painted. And we cleaned the window. Done very little else and the lad has done bugger all. Did that thing when we know we need to feed ourself and the dude, just feel so small and exhausted and overwhelmed but when chucked yesterday's leftover tatties with the few chips left in a bag and a couple of fish steaks on an oven tray and with some peas once again failed to fail to feed him.

If there was specifics about what was going to happened to me and/or Pabs for decorating his room, writing the things we have published recently, not going back to Grahame, not going back to Jacqui, taking the Gabapentin as prescribed, whatever we do or don't do next we can't remember. We do know would of been making sure they would be falling on ears that wouldn't of been as deaf to them as ours have to be when getting us home is still outside our control.

When she was trying to get romantic littles upset by talking about the Jessie wedding are we were doing our best to keep them asleep we said of course he wasn't coming back we are a slave we cant get married she said "as long as you understand that" but was still obviously annoyed it wasn't getting to us like it had on a previous occasion.

"We were already married anyway Jacqui and have been for a long time. To war. Fighting people like you"