March 08, 2016

No Jacqui an adult who abuses is an abuser not a victim. Your enabling them.

Did Dr Jacqui and the rest of the Dundee professional traffickers help Elaine get Dasha & Ems back to Elaine so they could torture, rape and sell them more? They are good strong kids but they believed in better days and there was always scum and victims around when I was little telling us things would be better soon to encourage us to not run or fight and destroy the hope when we it wasnt true.  We liked the way stronger us'es often came forward when she started the worst of the triggering and emotional abuse. Like on the phone when we asked if she was helping Elaine get the kids back and she said she was and that she believed it was important that she did that and harder us slipped out and told her we wouldn't be back then slipped back again to being broken littles saying what they were supposed to. When she would try and convince us that we were an rapist because the rings turn everyone into one and all the ring rapists she was seing had told her we are and we laughed. There was a few times we laughed. Hit and miss though when they know you are physically prevented from getting away any time soon they can learn and analyse at their leisure in meetings where results can be discussed and new strategies developed.

We learned early because of Todds, Elaine, Gabe/Anthony/Scuff, English media & friends, posh military, the US right the others telling us what we had been saying in sessions when they raped, tortured and threatened us over the phone that any hope she was evenly vaguely safe to talk to was impossible. We said at least once that it would of been worse for us if there had been more effort to pretend it was a safe space and the physical attackers hadn't said the stuff they have said about her, if she hadn't been so blatantly unprofessional in sessions more of the amnesiac parts would of groomed. She didn't like it. Got that twisted face of desperately trying not to wonder if might is always right look that we saw in her and Elaine often.

Like we when we refused to revisit whatever it was we were talking about when we got so terrified and triggered we fainted and wouldn't wake up til plods scooped us up hugged us and got our ass out of there. One of the most obvious times that stands out to us was when we were talking about how much we remember about the times the Todds came out to the Glen and stayed with the Johnston's.. The twins were always boasting about the people and parties they went to, about knowing Jimmy Savile amongst others, about being jigalos about trips to the states and we were playing with Jacqui whenever we talked about all that or refused to. She put on her best calm, not asking for any real reason voice when she asked if we could remember the name of the women in the states they talked about and we said in best casual upfront not hiding our mind voice that we couldn't in that setting but it was the kind of thing we had definitely been telling all sorts of people all over the world whenever possible ever since.

She thought she could access our unconscious. We are not other people. She was out of her league and we knew since the 80s and were 2/3 that she would be.

It was priceless.

Don't remember her asking outright if we could remember of the Scottish woman.

Conflict. Battling other peoples efforts to destroy us and all the bairns and anyone who won't rape or follow horrific orders. It's the only times we feel alive here. Its something we will always have and many people have told us that. We can't be only that though we and never always going to prepared and fit to defend the constant crap and horror coming from all directions.

The benefits Dads. The re testing we don't feel to prepared and tough enough for that alone.

15 but someone is saying 16 that's the number of different girls and women who Johnston's, Paterson's, communities,  various professions like schools and hospitals and others have identified as being "Louise Johnston"..

We did all the edges in Pabs room yesterday, green! Gonna have to put another coat on the ceiling again but it won't take much and it will be worth it. :-)

Oh and when she told us about Jessie taking out what they turned the original Louise into we said we were sorry but none of that meant anything to us. We used "not in a place to talk/remember that" as a shield whenever she started bombarding us with "supporting" people who were trying to kill me and Pabs and if they couldn't kill us keep me pregnant and estranged from the ones that either cling to life long enough for them to torture as newborns.

As far as we know she is still supporting abusers with access to their victims and undermining efforts to get and keep people safe.

We arent seeing people or writing any letters. Except to Gran P to say thanks for the card and 30.. But that's done. As is the stationary packs to the dreaded address at the road.

Might take it easy today. We have benefits to spend on new things for Pabs room and yes order food and sensible essentials while we still can whilst also smoking spliffs..

Decent plods and all sorts will be watching every move she makes as will the rings to keep her safe and comfortable of course to though.