March 31, 2016

Always

There is a pull to face it head on be proud to be the ice dragon plunges itself into the heart of the volcano and through my destruction bring peace to the land.  To give in. We are grounded in something more solid than parable though. The littles sick shrink got to are very scared and we are struggling to organise ourselves in a way that we can communicate with them or reach them at all.

Wasn't quite as bad today as yesterday. Quite awful though. Dude is sleeping next to us. He said he was scared but didn't know why earlier, we said he was probably picking it up from me. We are just so desperate to be close to another human. Just lieing back to back with our legs leaning against each other is so nice we can feel stress leaving. He is a kid of course so the stress is topped up by all the essential saying that he couldn't sleep until he stopped saying it for a couple of seconds and feel asleep.

We waited til he was asleep before we made ourself hot chocolate. He brushed his teeth earlier or a least said he has. We thought it would be good to get him out on his scooter so he remembered. Guess thats proper again. Theres a lot of Margo in her and its not all bad but it hurts so much to living life trapped and in pain watching the lifes you could of lived pass by anyway without them pointing it out to all of the rest of us all day and all night.

We have done some nightshirts in the Capital Wasteland and some messed up nights sleep when we thought that surely we were so tired it wouldn't be a problem. They really have us at this time year. Even when they don't physically have us we still feel lots like they have.

Its difficult having Propers drug stigma and knowing that out whole life good, bad and indifferent guys have been throwing pills down our throat and injecting our blood stream and fat cells with all sorts. Still terrified about the new antidepressants. Beyond being a warm body for hugs and just someone in house that calms us dude can't help much and can't be a monitor for us those first few weeks.

Jess is sleeping on a blanket on the floor on the other side of us. We are glad she is here to.  Tomorrow day we asses then. Now we are very sleepy. More hugs please. Always. Xx