March 23, 2016

My problem with Diazepam in the past Mr GP is that traffickers force them on victims such as myself from a very young age you fucking tool.

Not that we said that. We were struggling with all words and not crying or screaming.

Hope to try and redraft the last post about the abuse Jacqui was triggering and the programming she was trying to reinforce from the British military ring. Not right now though. It does help us feel stronger when we remember the Jacqui/Elaine/Shona smugness over our feeling helpless. When we obviously weren't going to get any humanness from the GP when asked for more drugs which was stupid because that gives them more power and a chance to say more shit that isn't relevant or is just fiction. We smashed plate when we got back then hide in Fall Out 3 grateful for the amnesic barriers we have that mean we can play it without knowing it inside out.

Your are not going to be OK was the jist of most of what they said. Jacqui talked about us loosing our benefits because you don't get them without letters from your doctors saying you deserve them and she was happy to tell us was making that even harder than it already is. They say a lot of shit of course and they gloat about shit other fuckers do.

They cut you of from any memories of a good past, they make the present unbearable and trash any possibilities of a building a better future. Jacqui's job was to ruin our delusions that there is any hope of help for us and that we can manage on our own with Pabs and no contact and no support when we can't afford the cannabis anymore.

When stronger parts were around to hear the crap she was telling our most vulnerables we told her we are not from here, we were took here to be a slave and have never been allowed to forget that even if we wanted to.

You still have to go through the motions of being a person in Britain though. We have to Pablo of course as well. She gave up on turning us or convincing us we were an abuser as they all generally do and stuck to the facts as well told them because its obvious to anyone who isn't dissociated out of their boxes its the loss of the bairns that's kills us.

He has referred to us a DID counselor in Dundee. We are going to make another appointment and safe that's not a good idea and we can't travel anyway.