We took the playmobil out today. We struggle to play but just looking at them, arranging them and holding them makes us happy. We took the day off when he was at school. Except to hoover the and tidy up the downstairs a bit. Failing on the eating front. We remember Jacqui talking to littles telling us we wouldn't be able to eat, all the times she presented a sympathetic front to them but was pushing them down, its sad but you are all going die she would say, it is sad that everyone is going to die but that includes you to Jacqui and our littles smiled cause they knew we had their back.
Deek rapes seemed to be pushed forward as an appetite killer and of course all the if you don't consent/act the part you don't eat captivity/exclusion/murder attempts. No one was allowed to let us inside or feed us.. Every time we saw Grace reject food and go a long time without eating anything hot, with protein we just wanted to run and hide. We couldn't tell what was us and what was her, if I dont eat I am controlling what goes in my mouth and it makes me feel like I have taken back control that is taken when they force their things in my mouth and down my throat and its horrible and stays feeling awful for a long time after. Especially my throat and my stomach.
Jacqui spent some time telling us how scared we are of Deek, why that was, what he was doing and letting happen to the kids and why it was going to continue. We take it all in. Regurgitate it all back out again. And fucking pray for those bairns and all mine. We broke our heart for the good bits in Laura when we saw what a nasty ring pet he is. We've never seen any good bits in him that we didn't think was completely superficial. We told Andrea the social worker who took info on Savile before he died how we went cold when we saw him hug kids because we couldn't spot any warmth or love in his eyes. We weren't able to talk about about the horrific injuries that happened to us up there, the torture, sex slavery that Deek had played a happy part in, providing we were already severely restrained, drugged or already in agony of course.
Whenever our feelings started to soften during the time here towards Margo we remember her support for children living up there in that scene and we frosted up again.
We are nervous to, not just because we pushed forward with the room and are pushing forward with reintegrating our mind with our physical past. Its tomorrows date, it has some significance and we feel ill about it a bit like we did before Margo died. Some of the upfront desperation takes a back seat and the rest of us are like oh aye what the fuck now..