She said we wouldn't be able to handle the remembering. That our littles wouldn't be able to survive what she was doing to us. We didn't want to show how much we doubted this because we weren't up for making things worse. There was so much basic misunderstandings about DID in people who thought they were mind control experts but were parrots and vessels for other people. We knew that through the sessions it would be impossible to hide from the ring she was representing that many of their real grandmasters and their favourite projects were long dead and their skills incinerated with them and the operations to neutralise the rest was ongoing. We played the truth because no one ever believes it, then the we can't tell you who we are working for they are worse abusers than you shit and that worked for a good while until eventually the 20 years of us telling and showing the worst that we would be involved in the neutralising with or without instruction or support caught up with us and someone told her we had being telling her the truth in the beginning.
Even when we were little we felt it would be a very dangerous time and that means "dangerous" within the context of our life. At the time we may of even wrote here (or got someone else to write here) that maybe we just told ourself that to survive everything that came before but we knew it wasn't true. We knew we didn't mean dangerous as in most raped and starved and captive we meant dangerous as in we might die.
Knowing some of what we were saying whenever she asked how we survived it all was being confirmed by people who were not our friends meant we could describe taking down some of the rings greatest assets answering questions that had been driving fuckers mental for years, throwing tonnes of resources into finding the answers and getting nowhere, in detail and maintaining eye contact the entire delicious time. Some within the ring would of been pressuring her to say she didn't believe it, to tell us we were not capable of defending ourself physically that our DID was into bad a state and too programmed to make tracking people down impossible as to not validate us in any way but others knew we would stop talking then and they wouldn't get any more info. The conflicts wouldn't be resolved locally not with everything we were doing in the streets and with the police, others would get dragged in higher ups had to be contacted and the whole fucking hierarchy was illuminated like a Christmas tree.
She often asked why, what was the point of talking to inquires or killing in self defense as there was nothing that could be done about it now because the corruption is so pervasive and the violence so unstoppable. Many have and its often seemed quite genuine. It's its own answer. So we don't end up in a place were our survival depends on asking people how they can have enough hope left try and find their own voice or physically defend themselves.
When she asked what was the point in writing, recording or speaking to police or anyone else about her or another abuser we explained we used it to recruit and for future generations. One time she asked what happens if people said no and we forgot we weren't pretending we were someone else for a moment then remembered that the only people who say no are usually active abusers who don't show any real signs of remorse. Another time she thought she had an isolated terrified little and was telling them nothing would either be kept or be looked at we can't remember which but the really traumatised kid knew it was crap and that she didn't have far to look for help. For a moment Jacqui was eye to eye with the part of us that figured out very early the only thing of value other than people was info. Information as in understanding and information such as evidence. Lucky woman.
Its the distance we feel from the me that figured out how to do all that that makes us feel not worthy of calling ourselves Rosa. But not so distant that we could reject Rosie we couldnt do that to our dad.
We don't have much sense of them getting anywhere when they tried to suggest that we or Pabs would be killed in or around 2016. Still plenty hangover from such a horrible horrible past though.