March 24, 2016

Small victories

We were told share as much here as we could by people who seemed good. It always helps the bad anxiety. The parts that are triggered and fearing the worst see they are not alone and that whoever hurt them isn't as powerful as they make out.

We already made the appointment to cancel being on the list to see the Dundee D.I.D NHS counselor. Too many abusers have already said we are going. We have spoken to other survivors who were seeing them. Its part of the many horrible futures Elaine & Jacqui would say was going to happen sometimes without knowing we were in a state to think or answer back. Bertie's face that time we said we would not only be in a longterm relationship with Steff but we would also be giving him regular blow jobs was fabulous and hasn't lost its power to make us giggle. There is no physical way we could travel there, leaving Pablo here, to go back into that. An DID counselor. Who works with the NHS. In Dundee. Who we have been told is part of the rings. Yeah we have zero curiosity to find out how much we already know about them. Even if they were safe we wouldn't make the journey.

We hurt Elaine to many times for it for her too threaten murdering a bairn quite as much as she was doing to others but it would of been different with Jacqui. We could see her gearing up for it and getting all excited and prepare but there was other times she caught us of guard.

Not that it never got physical in there, during appointments. Our flat was the most unsafe place for us in the whole world there were quite times when we were hurt badly for long times not as much as in Aberdeen though.  We are just all fucked up on the specifics. Her husband is involved of course.

There was a lot of encouraging us to believe we were to little to manage anything and depending on how subtle she felt she had to be that we had no chance or fighting of experienced rapists and murderers. One time it was our little psycho and she sat there big eyed and timid and agreeded in detail even saying we were going to die that weekend when we not at all scared and were planning on how we would be breaking the limbs of the fuckers who tried.

She was not amused when we trotted into the next session. She said something about it can't remember we just the truth, we have DID, it gets less manageable when we are triggered that's why we see her..

Whole time of course there is the endless sagas with cops who are trying to the do their jobs and if we let them go the way they were going without support very bad things would happen to them, cops who make up the real infrastructures of the slavery or are just under the influence of those who are and trying to figure out which is which whilst trying to stay alive and  get kids out to safe places of course to.

Yeah.

Its understandable that we are tired and grumpy without specific rapists saying we would feel awful and make awful decisions on specific days.

Feel much less closer to death than this time last year. We were never to bad for being brought down by " we will kill you if you get out" because the same persons usually spent much more time saying "its impossible to get out" and our literal ever questioning brain would notice that. We soaked up Margo and Bills philosophy convos from the corner or the room and used them to undermine the brainwashing and keep us in touch with better places and people. One of the teenage lads we are assuming it was one of the Todd twins said something to one of the military types when he took me away one time about me not answering back to him. The military guy said it was because I knew he already knew they talked a lot of crap or something it was the way the military guy said "she" when he was talking about us that made us feel like he thought of us a person and not a thing. We had already noticed he kept his distance from most of the kids in the Glen and after that we noticed he wasn't present during the rapes and was motionless not looking during the programming when we were strapped to the medical chairs.

They starting raping him and all the rest when we were overheard taking sometime but he said it would of happened any way. We saw it in his eyes whenever he was AWOL we knew it, the pure sparkly joy of knowing what you are when deep in that shit - not one of them yet. :-)

People wouldn't believe us when we said its like drugs but it is.

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