..dear reader..

Can see our window now and found out the hot bath tap has a blue circle and cold has a red.. Really loving it still and not just cause we think we should but genuinely feeling at home and glad to be where we are. Haven't had any abuse either, actually one of the neighbours gave me a lighter coz we couldn't find any that worked independently. Never made the school meeting today, one of those over ambitious appointments. Its Friday, the last day in November. We fucking made it Daddy. Brought way too much furniture and decor but we are here and glad, and not just focusing on things that should be positive but arent because there is so much active and committed hate surrounding us. Wrapped his playmobile advent calendar, saw how many Xmas presents were in the box and was so glad we made a good start. Local not wee shop sells micro pasta very handy until we can get a cooker, still no word on the deposit. The landlord was a grippy bastard who seemed to have no concept of life with...

Still we feel like its us starting a new school. Brings back the lonilness, coldness and unpredictability of home and the coldness and expectations and noise of school and being very young and having nowhere safe or comfortable to be. That is not Pablo's situation. Was about five I think before we got to sleep last night and the engineer woke us up at nine again coz vodaphone sent him back because they knew we still didn't have internet. Very good not having to chase it up ourselves. Wasn't the dudes fault though it was the router but its all fixed and superfast now. The weepiness returned in the evening and got worse when we couldn't find the sleepers we were pretty sure we had. Found in a drawer in the living room because the drawer had been at our bedside before we moved. Mircoed some bacon and hot chocolate. Hopefully will mean a bit less heartburn. The better than nothing pills are kicking in, would so much rather not habe them and have decent weed instead, so...

See.. Gorgeous. Had a go at the kitchen today.. Its really really small gonna take a while and a fair bit of creativity to work it. But also of course a hell of a lot easier to keep clean. Dude's room is pretty excellent he's dead chuffed especially as we sorted it out enough for so it can be walked around in, computer set up and stuff. Gutted about the balcony planters and the pink clematis.. Ventured out to the nearest shop for micro food and munchies it's huge, cheap and sells absolutely everything. Very handy a hell of a lot better than wee shops and their prices. Back in bed now though. Damn sore. The no cooker diet will not be helping. Haven't heard anything about the deposit yet but think we gotta just do it next week and order one which is gonna give us even less space. Our pretty metal microwave holder thing with the flowers on it is in the place where the cooker would go and there is no where else to put it. Kind of a shame. Checking out the school ...

So we’re here then... ten to five but it feels, sounds  and looks like 2145 Quite tired. Glad i left that daft wee bit, pulled one of our chairs up the backs and it helped keep me out the wind. So glad, so stressful and lots more exhausting ness to go but so glad. We are somewhere where we dont really want to not be. This morning feels so long ago. We handled it, we arranged it, we waited on hold for the dwp to answer to find out where our esa was while packing. We hear the chuch bells. Wish we hadnt had to do it all on own it takes so much from uou, havinh to do everything on your own. Wind is fairly whistling not sure how bad it is or how much  its just a whistley place... We both crashed out about 6pm i of course woke up again about 2 hours later, hes still sound. Was pretty cynical about wether or not the milk was packed and if i could find it. Oh the joys of discovering it in a bin. Very serious joy. Gonna be surving on micro meals for a while has we cant afford a ...

Not bad not bad. Just little bits and pieces and rubbish left. There will indeed be just enough for us really make our new smoking area feel like home. Had one earlier on to. It helped us stop feeling like there was too much do we have to do it all but we’re too tired to do any of it. We cant leave it spotless, it’s too big and im too little. Lad been doing not bad. No way we could of handled all of those trips to the charity shop. No way. Think he has given them my trainers by accident though thankfully i have other heavier walking type shoes coz i dont fancy wearing heels. Worst bit physically was taking a box up to the post office for up the road. With lots of books in it. Few of Lauras things, photos and stuff. Seriously back hurting but great to not have so much of her stuff knowing the kids don’t have much and knowing no one else is going to do anything about it. Really glad we opened that tin of creamy coloured garden paint and freshened up a few of fancy decor for the kids a...

Yeah so thanks Zoplicone but we dont have a problem falling asleep at 7am and waking up a 4pm. That's already something we mastered. There's a couple of things we wish got round to today but it is okay we will either do them tomorrow or some time after or they wont happen. Kitchen and tidying up garden are main jobs for tomorrow. Bit short on boxes but we can pack gardening stuff inside planters, should give us enough space for kitchen stuff. Its mostly done. Would be good if we could send the some of the donations and their stuff at the road to tomorrow but might not manage. So gonna be leaving early and leave the guys to it on flitting us, our kettle, milk, tea, slippers and favourite jumper gotta get out early and get the direct train. Damn it we keeping that last but of twig with a spliff and half on it till we move. So none tomorrow, like usual. We can do this, we will be crazyhappy. Got our bottle for that first night, clean jammies and some of pabs essentials and a ...

Quite nervous of taking the sleepers. We don't feel at all familiar with what this particular one will do to our system. We are very familiar with how we will feel if we dont get plenty sleep and have to tonnes of shit to do. Glad the lad is sleeping at night again. Two nights in a row hes been crashed before 10 pm. Good stuff cause he's going be pulling his weight tomorrow. Well maybe not his whole weight he's only eleven and his next shoes are going to be size 10 or above... Gonna have to kit him out for new school.. Gonna have to find out at least one aspect of the benefit change over and us in a bit more concrete way. Its a definite source of a lot of health fucking up anxiety not knowing. Also know we wont get far and will cry if we can't figure out exactly what we need to know and how to ask it before hand. We've done well but we have known at various stages we had no option but to push ourselves and past the point where we knew we were gonna manage comfo...

Kinda thought I would be less exhausted, emotional, weepy and more motivated today.. Not so. Dudes took a full van load to the tip. Couple of things we forgot about but they probs wouldn't of fitted in anyway. Guess seeing Laura's stuff being taken away impacted us more than expected. Got a good few days to sort out what's left thank fuck because we are knackered. Didn't have much to do to prepare for the recycling dudes but it still took its toll. Have even unblocked another bloke in an attempt to temporarily unburn a bridge. Probs pointless but definitely won't get if we don't ask and small amount of diazepam isn't gonna get us out if this state. ... Well its not sooper dooper but I haven't smoked any it two to three months thats  not a big deal its still wondrous. And we would be puking as we've had two glasses of wine when it turned up anyway if it was truly stupendous instead of taking down decor and lovingly wrapping it. A van load gone ...

Haven’t tried the zopolpcone yet, havent need to been sleeping lots just with the diazepam, not all night but hours and hours here and there. Not the only one who crashed out after tea today when we woke we shouted down to the lad to help with sorting stuff for the recycling dudes got no answer and found him asleep in his school polo shirt. Really glad it’s harder to relax when its crazy late on a school night and you hear your son chatting away to himself. Not sure if he has truly mastered the fake sleep or if he has started whistling in his sleep. Pretty sure he can’t whistle when he’s awake but maybe hes learned at school. Hope he is a bit more use after a good nights sleep. Been a fair bit of huffy and puffing whenever we ask him to do the slightest thing and there is a fair bit to do especially in his room. Personally got a fair bit done in the morning after waking up really early. Two boxes of broken or unwanted kitchen stuff. Fabulously garish xmas treat bowl found. Bloody kn...

Instant tears when we calmly attempted to read up on universal credit, PIP. We are stuck in bed in pain and wanted to do something to prepare for after the move but like before it doesn't work we just get in a state. Think I may have found an advocacy charity and I think one of the first thing to do is maybe see if I can speak to adult social work to help us figure out what we need to do about benefits, ect because we really really  need to not get iller. Email to possible support & info sent, school application sent to but not sure if its the right form having same issues, formal language a real struggle and we cant concentrate, then start getting really upset because we need to be able to do this shit. Still rested a fair bit today lad was awake when we woke up about 6 am and might of been up all night. We let him sleep after that, partly because he was crazy hot last night and partly because we were crumbling at thought of the adult tasks required to get child up, ready a...

Definitely seem to be freaking out a bit less and just being excited more. Neither state is good for sleeping though. Got a call from social housing about a potential offer. Place in Kilmarnock so glad we already got somewhere sorted. We just would of ended up crazy isolated like we are now, doubtful the scenery would be anything like what we are gonna be so close to soon. Would be cheaper and less deposit and they maybe of let us keep the cats and the fleas and maybe isnt a universal credit area also isnt an area where we have ever wanted to live either. House clearance dudes booked, feels good to know we will be free of so much stuff and that the landlord wont be chasing us to pay for clearing it. Shitty of course we got left with all of Laura and the kids furniture. Will be amazing to be away from all the constant reminders of so much abuse, neglect and heartlessness. Its hasnt really worked trying mourn when so close to so many examples of how her and Margo’s life was made so in...

Eventually crashed out about an hour after he left for school and didn't wake up until he came home after three. Ordered food, bought some wine, did some dishes, drank some wine, eat some food, txted the guy not once but twice, got all emotional about the cats, noticed the absence of "delivered" or "read" on the texts thought fuck it its worth ago and used our landline to call him.. He answered said he was busy and would call back later and of course hasn't. Guess it's not completely impossible that he will get in touch over the next few days but I'm thinking its unlikely. Which is a damn shame cause we would really benefit from some form of cannabis. We fell asleep again after phoning him and woke up about twenty minutes ago. Was thinking we felt a bit better but then we mentioned the cats and yeah we are still crazy emotional about the cats, and damn sore and haven't done anything about the infestation and am all creeped out by all the dream...

Checked the bank at about 2am and found the loan was in. Was not expecting it to go in at 2am on a Monday. We sensibly paid our phone bill, ordered nothing but bubble wrap from Amazon and put in a grocery delivery with Asda. Its really sinking in that we are gonna be there, not here. I hope we get something from the doc to help us sleep or just calm the fuck down. Was thinking no way am I unblocking anyone for smokes. Now Im thinking i wish my blood pressure would come down. Maybe will reasse later. It would be so nice and we haven’t had a spliff since August i think.. yep its decided will send a wee txt later on to one of them. Wont be txting anyone else over it and he might just ignore us/have us blocked anyway but its worth ago for some mood stability, a little less weepy a bit more chilled. Health requires we at least give it a shot. May have a better chance of weed from the others but nope cant do it.  They are just too horrible and triggery and the girls will wanna chat like...

Dude’s pal at the door eventually got us up after 10 am alarm and some weird call automated call failed. Just wanted to cry. So tired. Switched from stressing about cash to being excited in the small hours. Read some Sophie to try distract us getting that same feeling we always get when learning about Western cultural history, kind of frustrated and alienated feeling. Like we dont recognise any of it, its not out history. We remind outself of how much haa been intentionally or accidentally lost, like the ruins or the stolen and scrubbed Elgin marbles its impossible to get much insight into the real diversity and beauty from whats left. The Greeks painted everything and after so many centuries of bleaching we cant get anywhere near what they once looked like and its the same with the philosophy but its so much more than that to. We feel so alien I guess and all we have is tiny fragments from when we were tiny and with our mother. We can see her lips moving but cant hear the words but t...

Got a full tummy and baccy for afters today, tomorrow is looking tricky though. Think there is enough pennies left for bread and got butter yesterday. Nothing left to make meals with though and its unlikely the loan is gonna appear over the weekend. Could sell some DVDs but buses on a Sunday are shit and I think the ones that might be worth selling the Captain Jack box set may have been packed. May have to unpack it. Should still have some of the edible sponge I made with the last egg left for breakfast or lunch rather as both our hours have once again swung back to friggin nocturnal. Wept with relief when we saw the UC said "case closed" kinda shows the nick we are in and maybe its was seriously premature relief weeping as maybe my other benefits have already stopped along with the loan. Just because we are catastrophicing doesnt mean it hasn't happened... Been some moments of quiet gladness to as well with some concern over how the hell one does Christmas when in bet...

Torture programming incidents get mixed up especially if they happened in the same place and within a few months of each other. Don't think many even any of the Dundee ones in our head and body at the moment went for as long or the way they were intended. We keep getting flashes of being frozen on the little couch and some horror middle class male putting on a condom. Times that did go their way will be held back from us and there is nothing to gain from us digging them up. One or two times at least he tried to get pabs  involved and the sight of Pablo's distress, him fighting for us against something so much bigger than him helped rouse us out of whatever was holding us down. Both our heads together could stop what was happening and make sure that that specific male middle class horror bot wouldn't hurt us or anyone else again. Maybe not the first time think the rapist got orders to run and he duly did so. So horrible and we are so scared of everything our body has been t...

So sore. Slept last night but we messed up by putting the new address on the application gonna have to log back in an change it. Got prove who im not appointment though eventually might even go through in time so we dont have to fill out form again. Its all very exhausting and heartbreaking and we just cry so much. Image from dream amongst all the nastiness and abuser family, a leaky roof, water pouring in, not good you would think but we were planting seeds and they needed watering. So very us. Wish we could handle all the stress and pain better but we clearly can’t. Like we said forever this is worst case scenario but people to wrapped up in not being themselves and believing suits and others with trappings and symbols of power, authority and appropriateness when all evidence shows their fascist slavers and believing them helped them destroy all resistance. Wish we hadnt lost our living Daddy, wish we never felt he was Daddy would hurt so much less. It too late to go back now. R...

How very modern British state, steal you, slaughter and sell your people, steal your ID, force you to live as someone else, kill everyone else who has been forced to live under that ID, then force you to prove via a company they do business with to prove the fake ID they force on you as part of proving you cant work after their abuse, enslavement and selling of you has destroyed you ability to financially support yourself while preventing or killing anyone willing to assistant by financially compensating or supporting you. .. Gotta take it easy I know. In crazy pain. Not gonna miss those internal stairs. Tea, biscuits, chilled music, painkillers.. Slept most of the night and most of the day. But all those hours of sleep make for hours of shitty horrible dreams. Impossible not to start crying at not being able to prove ID for universal credit. The binary AF form was one thing but without a valid passport of driving license I'm basically gonna have to limp and weep my way into...

0238 Its paid. Money went in, used the card reader slowly carefully as calmly as possible didn't fuck it up and off the money went. And there is enough left to eat and have electric and gas this next week even if the loan doesn't get in. Yes train line I may have another sore throat and bags under my eyes that look like I have recently had my nose broken but I am indeed mother fucking ready. Unless I fall asleep then when I wake up I will indeed not feel motherfucking ready for anything. Awful rapey nightmares again when we slept earlier but me and a few other woman were helping each other. The cute racist Italian chick from Orange keeps turning up and being a good pal and neighbour in dreams recently, shes not racist in our dreams. Will still manage to get rolls, juice, ham, cheese, lecky , crisps either way. And shower better shower.. And wake up Pablo and get cash out for taxi. Okay maybe there won't be quite enough cash to do us the whole week but that's alright th...

Its a universal credit area. If I want housing benefit, help with rent. I gotta apply. I'm not freaking out. Shaking and want to cry and scream. Maybe freaking out a bit. Helped when we read that if you've just been assessed they won't asses you again. That if your unfit to attend an interview and we so fucking are, we won't be forced to. Registered with the application site but went no further. So worried about money not being in for the deposit and first month. Would really help if we had someone to tell us its okay. Can't handle anymore calls never the gamble of what might pick up the phone at the other end of the help lines. That was what we found out from on call and we pushed past the urge to withdraw further and made a docs appointment at a time of day we might actually attend, with the doctor we think is a bit more consistent not the one whole is all ears one time and heartless as fuck the next time we make it in. Stressing about every time we wrote on th...

Couldn't eat much yesterday, half a bowl of carton gumbo, a bagel and a few custard creams. Junior was on the bagels, macaroni pie and whatever else he could find. Just pigged out on sausages, chips, peas, yorkies and gravy feeling much better for it. Did a little bit of boxing and bagging as we waited for the oven to heat up. All three big cupboards and the small room that was getting used as a cupboard at almost completely sorted. Always a source of anxiety when flitting.. Big stuffed cupboards.. Pain has been really really nasty. So not planning on doing anything else today, except shower with the shower that gets freezing cold every minute or two and get Pabs to do the same. Saw a polo shirt hanging up and trousers in the wash basket so he's good for tomorrow. Got my list of calls to make after he's left for school, probably will end up going to sleep after that. Anxious about the calls, anxious about not knowing the stuff I need know. Neither of us are sleeping much...

Pretty bad for a while yesterday, back like we were for months when we first got here, shaking like had taken loads of ventolin but hadnt had anyway, ate a meal and it made no difference. We got a bit better later on and we found another charger cable for tablet and its taking a full charge again. No sleep over night of course not surprising as we were out for hours after the cats left. Cat lady woke us up late lunch time asking for advice over the terrified in the cattery pusses.. We gave all we could on a note but its maybe got misplaced. Heart breaking. We always knew we probably shouldn't of took them and wouldn't be able to keep them forever cat lady said we rescued them on the form and we wouldn't of taking them if they were okay where they where, Jess pregnant all the time, Princess being dissociated to limp state by the kid. We do what we can do when we can. Knew the sensible thing would of been to let social services rehome  them when we were in hospital but we co...

She came for them this morning. Changed Princess's name to the masculine version, said well done for getting them neutered and getting the cool cat box. Then drove off them in cages. Last night we washed the favorite blanket twice tumbled it and cut it in two. So they will have that. Powered them to. Bought some of their favourite cat food to. And now the annoying, flea ridden, needy pain in the ass furrballs  are gone I'm a weepy triggered achey chain smoking mess. Like we said to the lad, it is gonna be worth it when we are in and settled. Its not I felt like I was taking proper care of them. We were still buying food I would run out of food sometimes, they are not vaccinated or chipped and we got really upset about having to care for them and them scratching at fleas. Seems to have brought up thoughts of Laura/Martha etc and fears something will go wrong and we won't get the place we love, or we will but they won't extend the lease and we will have to find somewhere...

Doesnt matter how okish you are when you fall asleep at 6 your not gonna be feeling so ok when the alarm goes off at 8.. cancelled a docs appointment, felt horrible cried a little cried a bit more when cat lady called to say she will be picking them up tomorrow. Stuid tablet isn’t charging, should manage to get something once the housing benefit is paid back and the budgeting loan is in. Cooker first though of course & a new smaller eating off table. New kitchen is tiny especially compared to what we got now so back to using the living room as a dining room to. Hardly ever in the living room here anyway, would of used it over xmas to watch movies but quit sky a while ago coz they got nothing we can tolerate, and friggin Netflix has cancelled Orange which has seriously pissed us off, like seeping into our nightmares pissed off. Think the endless hoards of superficial vavid twats are well catered for Netflix. We did eventually get into “good girls” or the one about the women getting...

Damn sore though going into town and selling games, putting cash in bank, grabbing some cheap snacks and vino then getting bus home. Was no option but to nap when we got in and after we sorted out broadband. Vaguely heard the post hitting floor and found our acceptance letter from DWP for full amount and letter from post office asking for ID and stuff. No ta will take the 0 interest rate. Came a lot quicker than I feared. Should be in by moving day and will probably be able to clear me and Lauras cheap broken furniture. Gonna get another quote though. Think we can just about tolerate more strange dudes trapecing round our house. After two plates of spag bol and vino we crashed out for a few hours with the lad waking us up in the middle to tell us about smosh ending or something which led to some fucked up Anthony & smosh dreams. So relieved we are coping with organising the move that it has only made us a bit yuck and not floored us completely. Lad called us hypermommy when we e...

Only almost cried a couple of times today! Mostly over gyn pain, like right now. It's pretty bad. Made it to parents evening. Kinda figured we had to because he's leaving. Lots of the staff wishing us well and saying they would miss the lad and I believe them. He's a happy, polite lad, mostly. It wasnt his Grandad Bill his teacher knows its a Bill on Margo's side. Its gonna get back to the Aberdeen lot where we are going anyway. She didn't seem to comfortable when we mentioned where and used a much more generic "down south" so maybe she won't say she talked a fair bit about families being close though. It's not like them getting the address. We can't help telling folk anyway. Too chuffed for security, rather them than them hear through horrid authorities anyway. Another member of staff asked if we had family down there ans we said no fresh start and she brave andma Shonagh and literally minutes after the kids were banging on the door and run...

Its distressingly tight but we gotta put that money down, sign that paper and get those keys. If our head wasnt so messed up we wouldnt of fucked up loan forms, cant be applying for any more we know that. There’s emergency stuff out there that would maybe help with the actual move as its unlikely the   Budgeting loan will get to us as soon as we need it. Dude is being a darling saying to cancel netflix and xbox gold but we checked and they have already come of was kind of a relief has we would have to go to websites we don’t normally go to and remember passwords and its all anxiety causing. If we could just get a good non distessing solid block of sleep.. and had an immune system got a least two small but uncomfortable cists, one just might be a pulled hair infection that will sort itself out. And if we bathe and hot shower lots it helps. Sore fucking hands, uterus irritated, bladder irritated at least our bowels are not too bad! If worse comes to worse with the cash we will have ...

Is all little all of a sudden. Maybe pills doc gave us for over peeing. Maybe nots. Wishin we had ordered pain killers earlier we ran out. Wishin even more for proper helpful weed. Dont bother wishin for hugs or speaking or other bigger person to help me and big boy anymore. We been lots that we need to do maybe just that. Gonna be in a place we wanna be! Needs a bit more money to do it all soon and without too much stressin and feeling all victim though. But maybe weve sorted that to.. Gonna have to deal with lots of diffetent people and make lots of calls but we can if we know it will be worth it and get to stare at the sea. Lots done already. Gonna be glad to not feel bad for cats coz we cant get rid of all the fleas or when they miawo and we just need to look after selfs and big boy we got nothing left for anyone else. Gonna be so good to not have monsters next door making summer sad and horrible. Wonder wot brain will be like when not here.. gotta be really careful and not get lo...