Friday and Saturday

Kinda thought I would be less exhausted, emotional, weepy and more motivated today.. Not so. Dudes took a full van load to the tip. Couple of things we forgot about but they probs wouldn't of fitted in anyway. Guess seeing Laura's stuff being taken away impacted us more than expected. Got a good few days to sort out what's left thank fuck because we are knackered. Didn't have much to do to prepare for the recycling dudes but it still took its toll. Have even unblocked another bloke in an attempt to temporarily unburn a bridge. Probs pointless but definitely won't get if we don't ask and small amount of diazepam isn't gonna get us out if this state.


Well its not sooper dooper but I haven't smoked any it two to three months thats  not a big deal its still wondrous. And we would be puking as we've had two glasses of wine when it turned up anyway if it was truly stupendous instead of taking down decor and lovingly wrapping it.

A van load gone today. Very full van. Not sure if we had remembered about the seriously busted large desk chair it would of fitted in anyway. Wasn't much that would interest anyone but there was a couple of things that we were glad seemed to spark his curiosity as well causing some wincing and looking the other way but we were glad they were going to someone who appreciated them. The old dresser being one. Unfortuntly we can not get fancy handles for it and post it up the road we cant afford that in time or money. Big thing though. All the stuff going, the cats going, going through everything in the house, having the dreams and health we have. All big stuff. And then there is always constant stuff going on as well as the lots of other big stuff. The actual day of the flit, the getting a cooker, sorting out school and docs I am very glad we got this weed. We needed a stress break we can stop physically active and rest that way but we struggle to find the equivalent with our internal world.

Some of decor is down, waiting to be wrapped or is in box already. Actually quite likeing only having a nice thing here and there, instead of quite a few bits and pieces. Gonna be some agonising decisions about decor after Christmas. Been staring at all extra space, the bearer walls and wishing a bit more like this before but it evolving from Laura's to ours was unavoidable. If a bit creepy at times, the wondering how much difference would it taken for that to have worked, us living together without and of the other adults.

Then we remember how it felt whenever we saw her stagger and wooble through the door or down the street and how horrible people treated her when she was like that, not just angry but horrible, verbally and physically abusive and how we knew we couldn't protect her from much of it and how devastating it already felt just seeing her that way..

 Couldn't let go of any picture canvases. And the honeysuckle was dead has returned. Think we will go for tidying over clearing. We have really got a lot done over the past two months we are proud.
Saturday 1014

Finally got to make decisions about what to keep, donate, chuck while stoned. Yeah. Big roll of some kind of thick paper in the cupboard in our room and used some of that to start wrapping up upstairs stuff. Been layering them with plushys. Bubble wrap arrived yesterday when the clearance dudes were here. They handed it in for us and we couldn't remember the word "bubble wrap" so tailed off when we starting to say "Oh that's ma .." So Christ nows what they think it might be. The main dude was pretty cool, dead chatty but in a way that was disarming and not a stress. He joked about being a collector/hoarder and seemed to like folk and stuff and think it was his company and was doing okay he had other guys out in vans to.

We told him we were moving into a two bedroom flat and made jokes about not being remotely tempted by down sizes even his kids were out or would be out soon. Hardest bit was the rucksack and couple of camping pieces and a few of Laura's tools at the back of kitchen cupboard. It mattered then most of all that he wasnt a dick and he absolutely wasn't. Actually talked about how hard it is the deal with a deceased close family members stuff from experience. Its tough. So glad we wisely chose to not book the clearance a day or two before the flit.

We are better at knowing what physically is a really bad idea and what we might manage better as long we rest as much as possible and don't just eat rubbish or nothing, etc, get decent sleep or of not that as many short patches as possible, we manage to keep our emotional state from dipping and can keep our anxiety out of really uncomfortable places too much. It's last one we get wrong the most these days, we can think "oh that was/will be physically work we better not plan anything and plan ahead" better, or at least sometimes but we still feel quite blind to how physically exhausting all these strong feelings and fears and memories and triggers are.

But yeah the clearance dudes made it as least painful as possible,  the older guy and his younger dude made it as much of a laugh as it could be.

Obviously got as little as possible planned for the day. There is the last time we can actually just mostly lie in bed and smoke weed. Occasionally washing a dish or two or putting a load in, engaging with superboy cause we are not stinking up that new place when its a short term lease and we love it and can't be moving again in 6 months that's like 3 weeks in mental health patient time.

Will have a fair bit of our garden stuff, including table, chair. So we got a smoking area and it's gonna be to fucking cold and too much to do inside too be lounging for a long while. But it will be there. I am quite looking forward to taking pics of a new place with the Xmas decorations up.  Can figure out what to do with the non Xmas decor after Christmas. We are gonna frickin love it.


Think coz it will hopefully be nice for them, mean I have less stuff I will clean up some of Laura and my nicer decorative stuff and post them to the kids. As gonna be December its gonna have to include some non hand me down stuff that reminds them of people that gone. Guess it makes us feel better about not be able to be there for them as much as they need. A box of books, toys, DVDs and some new stuff is not nothing particulary in December. Will makes sure Pabs gets involved to.


Gave some of the metal candle holder hearts and butterflies a clean and coat of garden paint. Made a pile of decor and books for the kids. Also made an list in Amazon stuff we would like to get for them and stocking fillers for Pabs, a new table, looked at cookers. Decided we didn't want to spend too much the moving day was paid for and ended up buying some of pabs Xmas and me new home shabby chic. Next things need to be physical essentials though, like a cooker. And a table to eat at.

Gonna go back to lists now, just briefly.. Helps keep us out of to stressed to read, think or move states if we do a little planning and ticking off list entries when chilled.

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