"You'll be exhausted..."
Torture programming incidents get mixed up especially if they happened in the same place and within a few months of each other. Don't think many even any of the Dundee ones in our head and body at the moment went for as long or the way they were intended. We keep getting flashes of being frozen on the little couch and some horror middle class male putting on a condom. Times that did go their way will be held back from us and there is nothing to gain from us digging them up. One or two times at least he tried to get pabs involved and the sight of Pablo's distress, him fighting for us against something so much bigger than him helped rouse us out of whatever was holding us down. Both our heads together could stop what was happening and make sure that that specific male middle class horror bot wouldn't hurt us or anyone else again. Maybe not the first time think the rapist got orders to run and he duly did so. So horrible and we are so scared of everything our body has been through, that our eyes have seen.
It was programming that had us trying to sabotage the move by applying for universal credit early when exhausted and not able to think clearly. It didn't end wholly in their hands though and we have fought to stop it for working before and after the torture that predetermined us filling in the online application and make the appointment for Monday we cant attend. We have left two message on the journal saying we were confused and made a mistake and need to make the claim, provide ID after we have moved and explained we are not physically able to attend the local jobcentre on Monday. It would cripple us emotionally to we caught ourself considering keeping Pabs off school to help and knew even more we can't do this.
It's not just us either trying to stop the institutionalised abuse and as we are long past the place where we protect people and institutions that destroyed us and murdered so many because silencing us was never enough for them. They chose to make sure there was no chance ever not matter how slim of Louise or Julia or Laura or so many others defending themselves and their own, of ever being able to speak even to very deaf ears.
We got out of bed today and got some stuff done, caught up on sleep enough to be able to and to escape the horrible feelings and images. Mostly in the garden the older woman from next door very kindly stopped us from over doing it by walking out into their back garden with a loud fake callous laugh. We skipped back in straight away to glue some wings back on a fairy, very determined to not hear whatever else they had lined up from us to hear.
We need to not make things worse by worrying, can't help it though. If the worst comes to worst the lease is signed the first month paid for, we will find a way. Quite confident we don't bluff, not on issues like this and not over whatever has gone on with us in the past with tech companies, hardware or software issues. We just gotta wait and see. Wish we could of had the house clearance guys round today though. Would of been quite a weight of us if we could of had the rubbish and stuff we don't want anymore cleared but the money isn't there.
It was programming that had us trying to sabotage the move by applying for universal credit early when exhausted and not able to think clearly. It didn't end wholly in their hands though and we have fought to stop it for working before and after the torture that predetermined us filling in the online application and make the appointment for Monday we cant attend. We have left two message on the journal saying we were confused and made a mistake and need to make the claim, provide ID after we have moved and explained we are not physically able to attend the local jobcentre on Monday. It would cripple us emotionally to we caught ourself considering keeping Pabs off school to help and knew even more we can't do this.
It's not just us either trying to stop the institutionalised abuse and as we are long past the place where we protect people and institutions that destroyed us and murdered so many because silencing us was never enough for them. They chose to make sure there was no chance ever not matter how slim of Louise or Julia or Laura or so many others defending themselves and their own, of ever being able to speak even to very deaf ears.
We got out of bed today and got some stuff done, caught up on sleep enough to be able to and to escape the horrible feelings and images. Mostly in the garden the older woman from next door very kindly stopped us from over doing it by walking out into their back garden with a loud fake callous laugh. We skipped back in straight away to glue some wings back on a fairy, very determined to not hear whatever else they had lined up from us to hear.
We need to not make things worse by worrying, can't help it though. If the worst comes to worst the lease is signed the first month paid for, we will find a way. Quite confident we don't bluff, not on issues like this and not over whatever has gone on with us in the past with tech companies, hardware or software issues. We just gotta wait and see. Wish we could of had the house clearance guys round today though. Would of been quite a weight of us if we could of had the rubbish and stuff we don't want anymore cleared but the money isn't there.
