..dear reader..

We are listening to carols, smoking blinding weed and thinking of you. CPN today. Last time this year. Didn't tell we have stopped taking the antipsychotic. Told her we were struggling to take it. She said it was honest of us to say so but as we were still taking it we must think its doing us some good. She got a bit pissed off actually asking us if we thought this was a good time to be even thinking about reducing. We said we are not interested in psychology at the moment. We really arn't. Not from the NHS. Not from anyone we can't vet our self. We are a little worried how we will get evidence to say we are unfit to work if we are refusing to see any docs but we know we have every reason to believe in what little we remember of the phone calls where we were told we didn't need to. We remember the relief and the sense of truth and then our heart sank at what we were going to have to survive from then. He talked about there being bad times ahead and I think told me some...

It was a great relief when N phoned and asked if it was ok to just give us more money. We didnt even have enough left for today's baccy and couldnt of asked for more. I'm still paying for tonnes of data I needed when in hospital and forget to pay the rent difference.  We do need to be a bit careful though because next week is rubbish week and the asda shop is delivered the same day as the early benefits but we will need to leave enough in the bank to make sure there are no food related tradegies finding out whatever asda substitutes there will be is hairy enough. Might need to wait until then to get more weed to. He hasn't given us enough money to drink and smoke and eat like we have been already for the next three weeks but its likely we wont be wanting much for long. He want's to give him presents himself so we have to set some aside for him to give on Boxing day. Think we will go for the lego dimensions stuff and some playmobil. We have failed on the plushy front th...

Orders are to keep spirits up as much as possible so we are dutifully spliffing up lovely stuff lots and have initiated brandy season. There's a lot to be relieved about. To be at the end of 2016 and not the start of it or some time long before it.  Trump, RA, Russian fascists. There's not much on RT we can stomach now but we do try because they do have some good stuff sometimes but mostly its Al Jazeera or CNN if they are talking about the obvious lies and dangers of Trump. 28th of March 2012 or whenever PaedoBritain day was when we published the lists. And so much else and said see you end of 2016.. Meaning of course that we would be safe enough to be awake enough by now and enough of what they wanted had happened that there was nothing to loose in remembering. Digging around in Russia wasn't tolerated after the fall. Neither was battling or defending myself or anyone else from traffickers and they were some of the worst. They became the worst when we managed to throug...

He was one for encouraging us just to write and not care about it whether it was us or if it was true or not because it all helps us get to a place where we are us more and are grounded in reality instead the "truths" we have when we are too scared and in too much danger to remember.. The tree is up. It took ages and we remembered another reason why we like real ones you don't have to pull out each and every branch. Its six feet, reduced to fifty pounds glittered tipped and scratched up our hands like a real one. Pablo was as enthusiastic as he usually is about decorating it but he did make a pile of decorations for me to put up and put on his customary piece of tinsel that I don't want on it because I want the beads but he will notice if I remove it. We bickered a little but not too much as we have learned that he thinks Christmas is a bit messy and unnecessary. It looks pretty great. We got even more wooden pine cone hemp string dangly things for the walls that...

Did pretty well today. Didnt turn off the alarm we had set half an hour early so we could go in the shower before town and order from somewhere that is selling a dude xmas present cheap when everywhere else that selling it have sold out. All going well he well be getting both Skylanders imaginators and Lego Dimensions. And a heap of other shit. Aiming to spoil him, N agrees and its definitely going to be his best Christmas in terms of presents. The shower was a bit ambitious but the orders were made and we went into town after dropping him off at school. Standing waiting for the bus we wondered about driving before remembering we couldnt afford it and we cant rely on our concentration. In town we picked up some decorations and toys we hoped would be small enough to fit in the pockets of the advent calendar Margo made. Went to greggs but couldnt really stomach the mocha or lorne in a roll but ate and drank at least half. When we got home we were quite excited to see which of the litt...

Wish there was more money so we could bury ourself in materialism. Make the house like a grotto, go to shows, bewilder him with presents. And fill ourself with fine food and booze and weed until you get here. He would rather have his cousins anyway.  We also kind of want to distance our self from whats been written here over the years. Not the space stuff of course that's real and makes sense or most of the rape. We have been colouring again. A Christmas one we got last year. Still not reading and unmotivated to try. Supposed to have an appointment with psychology but ditched it. Its too cold and we won't be there enough for there to be much point in it. In the new year the anti depressants will have had longer to work and if we are still alone we will feel more able to make the best of it then. This year as been another highly traumatic year after many highly traumatic years its impossible to think what could happen next. Not that we can't daydream at all. Its scary and ...

It's an uncomfortable restlessness that has bothered us today as well as the usual sinking low mood. We often notice that the time of day when we feel a bit brighter and less weighed down is about mid day. Its reliable enough that on really bad mornings if we remember to tell ourself we will feel better then we usually dont regret it. What can I do with that time though. It often only lasts about an hour before the thought of walking up to the school and standing around with all the noise has us trying not to cringe. We have been on the sertaline for two weeks now so if there is going to be any unpleasantness from them it will be about now.  Hate it when we can't watch Grey's Anatomy any more. Arn't listening to much music. Except Dire Straits occasionally. Glad we did that trauma theory reading but it's not something we are doing now. What the fuck do we do with our mind? It rejects everything I can offer. It's a big awesome mind and it's rotting. Well m...

There isn't all that much we can say. We are slowly getting our mind back and are remembering who we are and where we have been, what we've done an who we did it with. Playing "Solid Rock" seems there was a lot of Dire Straits going on in places. We remember how we would celebrate if we got to the end of whatever ridiculous geological operation we were leading and no one died. So much spent uncomfortable in a crack in or between rocks. We brought people lighting tech, sustainable quality energy and hydroponics. Of course we are popular out there and when we weren' doing that were destroying all the Satanic bullshit minuscule or giant and putting stuff and people in places they needed to be. Even though we almost always knew that the sources of anything that was good and real in our life was not local parts of us in the earlier times especially were so hopeful to find something that didn't confirm what we already knew about Earth's history and in the pos...

We don't feel like we want to write much at the moment. Nothing has happened. The social worker hasn't been in touch which is a relief but I never know if I'm going to get a txt asking to pop in and we have to try and destink the place. I missed the appointment over at the hospital to talk about Pabs went to the thing at the school that evening instead. There was no way I could of done both. Have the CPN this week who seemed ok she is bringing leaflets to groups and stuff that might help if I really have nothing else. Also have appointment this week with one of the psyches from the hospital. Were we really mental enough to have been having sex with one or two doctors we already knew from the rings? With everything that was going on? I have no idea but I do remember back in Dundee when I had a much more functioning head than I do at the moment telling myself our time in hospital was going to be an extreme time and not to worry about trying to figure out what did and didn...

It's not gonna be for as long or so hard on us as it us been. Not matter how long this goes on for. Communications are developing internally and we won't be able to do that if they weren't developing externally because it wouldnt be safe enough. It's good to remember stuff like the mud between our toes and how snow wasn't as fun. How when we had been picked up in the states and then encapsulated by some alphabet agency within an agency. We were sorting out pictures that other uses had drawn.  We talked about some of this with Jacqui so we maybe wrote about it back then but I dont think we were writing much about anything back then there was too much going on and more immediate things to fight for. They were a good team, think we were about five but were very scared especially to begin with but they seemed to care and mean it when they said they weren't going to let us go back to something dangerous if they could help it.  They were psychologists and child tra...

We should be outside still soaking up the watery September sun but we weren't comfortable. We haven't been feeling very comfortable. Trying to figure out what happened in hospital is like when we were trying to make sense of whether or not Scuff is safe or horrifically dangerous. None of it changes the present or the immediate future anyway. The chores still need to be done and we still need to get him to school even though we dont feel its any more an appropriate or safe environment for him than we did back in June. Something can't be so wrong for me but right for him. We are eating/drinking a lot of chocolate still which we know will contribute to us feeling bloated and sluggish. Hoping we should start to wean ourself of that before we start just eating butter whilst mainlining coco power. The current stuff we have hasn't been helping much which has meant its lasted us longer. We were promised grass but it was from someone who was eyeing up our meagre painkillers ....

We miss you. We miss the way we felt about our own reflection when your around. That's a bit narcissistic isn't it? It's still there, on some days more than others but we are afraid we will run out of it. We miss telling you to not be ashamed or embarrassed and you telling us we are ok. We know we have talked about some kind of catastrophe. Something so huge that it sends ripples in a directions that are strong enough for even dumb traumatised human brain can pick up on. It was used by some of the managers, American mostly, really skilled above the sex slavery and local organised crime levels. We see it as something too big to ever see from a two eyed, two legged perspective. It seems white but that could just be a shroud or shield. When we try and take it down we cant make out what we are seeing. Lots colour and detail and movement that we are too dissociated to make any sense of. How can we ground this flesh and look without blindness or façades on everything. We do th...

No it isn't. How could it be? It's doing nothing while things remain undone. Thinking about how when have had the chance to feel ok its because the amnesiac phobic day to day parts have been able to become mindfull in the present parts who accept all the parts that are around and their pasts. The phobias can be so tricky. We must of been very badly hurt when they got a hold of one us and told us our life depended on us always being amnesiac and phobic of the extremes ourself and people around us were capable of. We think the phrase "central anxiety" may even of been used. It felt like an infection. It began before they began keeping us based here but the strong sense that we must forget or look away from anything extreme followed us back to the other places we were being kept. We were terrifyied of it and what could happen because we were looking away or forgeting things we did need to know, fiction is much easier to believe if you have no facts. We were worried ...

A lot of travelling to turn up some where and find out you were supposed to turn up half an hour earlier without the dude. Only half my fuck up. He spent the time we did have scratching his bites, messing around on his seat and refusing to talk about anything. How do we stop hating the fact that we can't give him everything he needs? We could probably meet more of his needs if we weren't so aware of what we can't do. It's been built of course and forced on us and knowing makes it feel even harder to address properly. When are we going to start feeling him easier to engage with now we are not barred from remembering baby Malcolm, Malcolm and Ben? Shouldnt it of happened by now? Bloody wet ware. Thank god no one speaks to us and those who do don't ask questions much. Couldn't give a vague but confident overview of events on the ward like we could our life.. Fuck sake..There wasn't just a "Good Doctor" readers.. there was a "Bad Doctor...

We knew the routine, out and about drive wouldnt last long after we got out of hospital and got Pabs home. Not when there still isnt any support. A social worker who refuses to hear why psychiatry does more harm than good is not support and a PTSD diagnosis without the C and the delusional disorder still standing is more insult to injury rather than a step in the right direction Dr Tilly. How are we supposed to not be further triggered by that? I don't even know if PTSD has been given as a formal diagnosis and wont want to ask whenever we do see a doc that reminds us of being an inpatient because we are not strong enough to accept there is nothing we can do about it any way.. He's still covered in flea bites and looks more like you everyday but I guess after everything you have been through it's really important you get some time to yourself.. But don't tell yourself we are ok cause we aren't. How the fuck could we be? We told you no child is safe up there Chris ...

At the moment we are in a place where even if our mood isn't at its absolute worst when we wake up we dread the pain we will feel after our morning pee and the worse pain after the morning poop. How are we supposed to get ourself out of permanent emotional flashback when that is going on? We ticked the box on the repeat prescription form for the piddly amount of diazepam we haven't asked for it since getting out of hospital but when we went to the chemist this morning the 10mg co-drydramol was there but no diazepam. Because painkillers that give you constipation are exactly what you need when your pain condition is made worse by pooping. There are softeners somewhere they do help. After so long in the hospital where completely under the 26/02/79 abuser controlled NHS files we can't bare the thought of going to see a GP never mind the CPN or the psyches. Was so relieved yesterday when we got the call to cancel wee mans appointment and the new one offered for same time as th...

We often have to take a break from the books when we start getting clearer pictures of abusive outside DID management. So often we are not phobic of the trauma parts as there are parts who are phobic about the consequences if they don't stop amnesiac and non amnesiac parts from interacting. We worked through so much but then they would push us back again, in the hospital of course was the last time, there were phone calls and people turning up that we couldnt handle without outside help. When we came round and they were putting a noose around our neck, was the closest but there were other times to. Parts were flashbacking and blind didnt know what was going on. If it wasn't for the kid screaming I'm not sure where we would of got the will from to fight hard enough. She did though and we did and are still here to vaguely write about it and how quickly we switch from lost child to omg im so glad you just tried to kill me i was totally loosing the will to live there.. She...

Whatever we write about there is also more detail and more extreme content in our minds. There are so many no go areas in terms of what we can think about and what we can write. Saying that though even in terms of just what written there isnt any sense of being in any kind of family unit/home in the really early years and if you don't have parents you can't be abandoned by them. Of course we felt it and trusted people but learned very early that any care given was either grooming and from someone only doing so because they were instructed to or from another slave who might mean to be safe but certainly couldn't stop much harm from coming to us. Bonds between slaves can be very strong though especially between a child and and a adult in a vault/institute/warehouse.  Some of the Scottish memories are Louise's or other girls we were all forced to imagine over and over that something we saw or where shown was us using drugs and DID management can give you really strong mem...

We haven't done much today. Got Pabs off, crawled back into bed, no books or writing this morning. We have been thinking about Baby Malcolm. It would of been obvious that was where we were heading that way with the stuff we have been working with. Integrating Baby Malcolm's existence with parts that came into being since then and reaching out to ones still stuck there.  It's was that that made us Scottish that got us in this state where we can't escape a sense of being victimised, hated and powerless and if we remember anything its only ever the bad.   It was kinda cool in the hospital to go trigger big Malcolm a few times then take out our phone and ask again, "Where's the baby?" and see his flashback vanish and him smile as a child again and point to Pabs picture. "There's the baby." We did so well the to of us looking after and hiding him as two dissociated slave mental kids for as long as we did. He was thriving, we were thriving. Neit...

Cancelled the CPN. She isnt the one in Dundee who laughed at our disclosers and said it was ridiculous when we said we were trafficked by DJs and involved in the Dundee rings herself. Still though. Not travelling and spending money to present them with an opportunity to push us down. Rather stay home with duvet and books and get some actual positive work done. As well as read about inner and outer critics and grieving we swept and washed the kitchen floor then went for a pokehunt after school. Wish our outer critic would get off wee man's case. We know she is covering up for all the anger we feel about everything we went through with him at the hands of other people and everything we went through apart to. We don't know what to do with that anger. We know she is flashbacking to times when no matter what we were put through the night/days before we were expected to look after other children the next day. We know she is flashbacking to the abandonment felt as child who was not...

Well this weekend shows we have a long way to go when it comes to managing our time and energies. We are tired out from housework anyway but have probably gone a little to far with the reading and writing and not far enough with the pokemon hunts and engaging wee man. It's not just the perfectionism drive to get approval from ourselves and outside sources at how quickly we can remember and work our self out again its the urgency drive to. We know that when we are in a state of mind that can do something well or can focus and repeatedly come back to something without having to force our self that it wont last for long. We need to make the most of it before we dissociate differently, we are traumtised again or might die and loose the ability to do whatever we are doing. We were hiding in the book and the writing today to hide from feeling unable to do some of the things we wanted to do with his this weekend. We don't expect to deal with the critic and doom monger that trigger ...

We are loving Walker's Surviving to Thriving.. Particularly the stuff about "emotional flashbacks" and these being a huge thing with Cpstd defined as "sudden and often prolonged regressions to the overwhelming feeling-states of being abused/abandoned child." (p.3). We understand our D.I.D being stages beyond Cptsd and where these emotional flashbacks have been constantly triggered so that this state of "overwhelming fear, shame alienation, rage grief and depression" and very easily triggered flight or flight instincts become the norm. We have been told that it is only when we are in these highly emotional traumatised states that we are "ourself" because it seems the only rational response to everything we have been through and everything that is going on. As aspects of us have felt is we are not in constant state of emotional flashback we are not honouring the dead, taking part in a culture of silence or making it easy for abusers to reach...

Quite heavy work that listing and identifying parts. We can feel how much some feel like they haven't been included. Like most of the non English speakers, scientific and technical parts who experience levels of integration and system awareness that we can't imagine from here. Seeing us write that we feel how left out they feel helps them. Knowing that you don't know parts of yourself who have complex lives and loves and the deep estrangement this creates is an emotional state we know we have been told to stay in and be triggered to return to often. We also know we have made commitments that need high levels of integration to be able to meet. It's worked out really well Walker's  Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving arriving. There is plenty of work to do at the level of thinking about complex trauma without remembering all the instructions and grooming it feels safer to be thinking in more general terms about how Complex PTSD works with or without ritual abu...

What else have we got? Speakers, there is a strong sense often when we make statements or are in meetings of this is my job and I believe and love my job whenever we speak.  I think they are parts that grew out of other much more trauma stuck parts after being helped and showed how by outside people. They encouraged us to look at parts and see what they needed and introduce them to other parts so they could support each other. So a part that was forced and trained to feel and hear nothing but questions and do anything to answer them for abusers who had the keywords and procedures so only they could bring them out and putting them away could grow being part of a group who were eloquent and very good at receiving information but not at other parts expense like a petrified isolated E.P would. Think from here we see parts that are "allowed" or can be seen and parts that are supposed to only influence or help but never speak or show themselves. Many of them of them were created...

Rest and appreciate what we have whenever we can. There is the book case with our books and toys on it. Survivor work books with pages filled in others that took us from a lost place to one grounded and understood. Books relating to our degree. We would to like study again some day and maybe we will do a little reading today or maybe not it's good the books are there either way. There is also the photo of Pablo in the glass work frame in blues because we knew we were pregnant with Pablo but its pretty to thing to have even if we were wrong about who we were carrying. He's in the bath giving huge gummy smiles to his mum taking his picture. There tonnes of meaning and significance to loads of with it of course but it's easy just to appreciate it as a cute picture of a baby. We have colouring books and pens and toys on that book case to. We feel happy and proud to have collected and kept a hold of some many good books and toys. We feel some sadness about books that there is...

How do I feel it asks. How do I feel after reading about dissociation and being told by such books that I should be working with them with an appropriate therapist.  I feel anger towards the NHS and hundreds or thousands of health service providers that are covering up for Savile and co and every other NHS pay roll rapist. I feel dehumanised that disclosers are labelled as fantasies and delusions and real fear from real experience and understandings about hows rings work are dismissed as paranoias.  I feel very unsafe of course I do. I believe in national health services. I also know British NHS was and is a safe place for abusers and enablers who are not going to care about messing with files, have you seen what they do to people? They love to gloat and prove to you that it doesnt matter who you are and what you do a few words from a ring member in your file and no one will ever trust you even if your words are proven true. The words aren't needed anyway the culture is so se...

We go back to bed and put some music on and come to write be don't feel like we have much left to say and how can that be true? Someone was wondering about the teddy we lowered down with the bomb what was in it. Like the stuff that makes you itchy all over but isnt the stuff they put in you and something like what we are but much bigger and much worse. Made sense to us last night but in the cold grey light of a school day morning nothing makes any sense and nothing has much meaning. Few good meanings anyway. We remember our eyes kept straying to the other lowering straps. Not as good at ignoring the voices as we used to be because we had forgotten where so many of them had come from. Yeah what are those other lowering straps for? Something that made us feel very sick any way and we weren't sure how stable "stable but try not bash it" meant so we needed to focus on what we were doing. We were confident that the parts that said that would of handed the job to us if t...

We were both switching in and out of Italian. We knew what we were saying and hearing most of the time but not all, so much of our life is untranslatable to our English speakers, we don't them to be triggered by remembering other better lives we don't give to them anything but definites we have been so close or felt so close to getting away from the British scene before and it almost killed us. We aren't sure we could take another. So many times we felt parts of our self go deathly quiet through so many awful ways, to feel they will be back and we will know them and us as we are with them, so much brighter and happier then have to see and always know in detail how it was taken away, from us, from everyone.. He knew the type of crying it was, little, stripped, cornered, starved us terrified for ourself. We did to. We kept trying to think of lots of other ongoing and recent events that gave us reasons to cry but we kept swinging back to knowing exactly what was the matter....