August 28, 2016

The abandonment depression.

Well this weekend shows we have a long way to go when it comes to managing our time and energies. We are tired out from housework anyway but have probably gone a little to far with the reading and writing and not far enough with the pokemon hunts and engaging wee man. It's not just the perfectionism drive to get approval from ourselves and outside sources at how quickly we can remember and work our self out again its the urgency drive to. We know that when we are in a state of mind that can do something well or can focus and repeatedly come back to something without having to force our self that it wont last for long. We need to make the most of it before we dissociate differently, we are traumtised again or might die and loose the ability to do whatever we are doing. We were hiding in the book and the writing today to hide from feeling unable to do some of the things we wanted to do with his this weekend.

We don't expect to deal with the critic and doom monger that trigger us so much around dude to disappear overnight now that we understand more about how and why they are so triggered and triggering but we do think it will get better. We hate so much that he gets exposed to the critic to and get stuck on a loop being utterly unforgiving to ourself for not being able to hide it from him which just makes the critic even louder and all consuming. We skipped over the part in Walker's book that goes in depth with the four fs. We are remembering to clearly the scenes where people tried and sometimes managed to take control over these instincts and direct the nature of the cptsd or even micro manage responses to planned traumas and stresses. What we don't feel particularly phobic about is facing the goddam inner critics.

There is a daily one who is bad enough but there is also another one that only comes out during non "day to day" events who is even scarier. We were up against him/her last in the hospital we have no clear recollection of what we were doing but we would take a guess it would be to do with contacting people and disclosing. We say she/he because they shift the voice depending on what ever scares the beejus everyone the most and s/he boasts about being able to do just that. We had answer's worked for her though we could glimpse all the times she had laid as low and it was devastating but then we started having a sense of talking to a bunch of blokes in like an aircraft hanger and felt our sense of self raise and told s/he that it was the collect voice of a violent and sadistic abuse ring and all the fear and terror they had caused but on this occasion we were not going to listen.

we actually wrote "carrier" there (then went WTF and deleted it) maybe should of just let it be.. Dropping the military/technical/science part phobias.. there will be many WTFs before we deconstruct the cynic, the critic, and all the fs that cause us to WTF over own work and feel utterly unable and not allowed to understand any or all of that work (while of course feeling like we must ASAP)..

We are on tooth fairy duty tonight and are feeling sad for ourself. We were pregnant and still loosing baby teeth but we weren't completely alone another victim was with us. He was all split to and would try and look after us sometimes. We would be so scared we would get to attached to him because we knew they would be planning something with us or they would not be leaving us together so much and whatever it was was going to be awful. Not sure what is planned for us both next but we don't feel like we will be dragged along behind our own nervous system and learned responses like we have been. It was when they took you away that the only good thing about waking up where we were had gone. It went on forever. Long enough that its the main part of the "abandonment depression" (p159) during the other times because we would find hope somewhere but not in Scotland without you after all that and with all that was going on.