August 29, 2016

back to looking at the vast mountain range that is everything and everyone we need to grieve

Cancelled the CPN. She isnt the one in Dundee who laughed at our disclosers and said it was ridiculous when we said we were trafficked by DJs and involved in the Dundee rings herself. Still though. Not travelling and spending money to present them with an opportunity to push us down. Rather stay home with duvet and books and get some actual positive work done.

As well as read about inner and outer critics and grieving we swept and washed the kitchen floor then went for a pokehunt after school. Wish our outer critic would get off wee man's case. We know she is covering up for all the anger we feel about everything we went through with him at the hands of other people and everything we went through apart to. We don't know what to do with that anger. We know she is flashbacking to times when no matter what we were put through the night/days before we were expected to look after other children the next day. We know she is flashbacking to the abandonment felt as child who was not only being physically, sexually and emotionally abused she was also pregnant and kept away from any healthcare and felt the abandonment and fear for the unborn to. They told her how they were going to rape and abuse and sometimes kill the baby to. That is the state we find ourself in so often. Extreme helplessness, Extreme abandonment and a brain that can't or wont tell me how to save myself and my young it's too busy dissociating and fighting itself.

 Junior is a reminder of the lives they didn't have and we feel guilty that they didn't, he is also a reminder of duty and how we have to fill his needs as a child before or own and feel that is just what abusers expected of us to, if the children didnt behave properly is was sometimes us that was punished, he is of course a reminder of the life we didn't have he is nine and we feel very sure that is about the age the pregnancies stated for us, we hate ourself for not being able to have prevented his existence and not being able to keep him safe or find him somewhere safe or meet all his needs. We are stuck in the moments when we got him back and knew he was different to the one we let stay with family or the one took from us. A lot of terror we can't shake off. A lot of resistance to being close to him. Why have they left us alone and together? They only do that when they are planning something that requires me to have bonded and feel safe and empathise with whoever they have left me with..Just can't shake off that holding room feeling.

We keep still wanting you and then being sad that we your not here then scared that us wanting you might make you turn up when your dangerous and not safe for us to be around. Rings work so hard to mess with all the grieving processes. If they think you have accept any lose they will try and give you taste of the past again or what might of been just to keep you steeped in false hope. We learned a lot about what healing meant and what it needed and how it worked by seeing what the emotional abuse was aimed at and doing the opposite of whatever we were told to do.