August 31, 2016


Whatever we write about there is also more detail and more extreme content in our minds. There are so many no go areas in terms of what we can think about and what we can write. Saying that though even in terms of just what written there isnt any sense of being in any kind of family unit/home in the really early years and if you don't have parents you can't be abandoned by them. Of course we felt it and trusted people but learned very early that any care given was either grooming and from someone only doing so because they were instructed to or from another slave who might mean to be safe but certainly couldn't stop much harm from coming to us. Bonds between slaves can be very strong though especially between a child and and a adult in a vault/institute/warehouse.  Some of the Scottish memories are Louise's or other girls we were all forced to imagine over and over that something we saw or where shown was us using drugs and DID management can give you really strong memories of being somewhere you weren't or doing something you didtn't years later.

We felt abandonment of course when hurt and alone in a cage, during assaults and procedures or when being hidden somewhere for a long time during travel but it didn't take a hold of us until later. The real sense that we were always going to be a slave and always going to be subjected and extremely abused didn't take a hold of us so deeply until the Brits had us under their domestic scene and the pressure to forget everything else was full time. There was to much change and to many good bonds even if we didn't see them much there was communication but this go so much harder in the early nineties. Somehow it all was lost and the rapists and the breeders and the torturers had us full time. There was always that difference between British and American agents, the Brits did much of the worse most destructive work on people while the American's did much more grooming and we felt such hate and abandonment  for the American's who had gained our trust when we were little while working to put us in permanently in the worst of the sex slavers, breeders, domestic abusers and traffickers. The situation was to bad for "when this gets out they will be in so much shit from our friends" to survive twenty something years ago.

When we get down it the real sense of abandonment is probably more on the systems that caused to exist and live through so much torture and the abusers rather than blaming other slaves or specific slavers for to long. We know we use this to avoid looking at how we feel people may of or did let us down badly. Too kept like that and raped with no way to escape you loose all real sense of a connection to anything before or outside of what is happening.