August 22, 2016

keep letting go

We were both switching in and out of Italian. We knew what we were saying and hearing most of the time but not all, so much of our life is untranslatable to our English speakers, we don't them to be triggered by remembering other better lives we don't give to them anything but definites we have been so close or felt so close to getting away from the British scene before and it almost killed us. We aren't sure we could take another. So many times we felt parts of our self go deathly quiet through so many awful ways, to feel they will be back and we will know them and us as we are with them, so much brighter and happier then have to see and always know in detail how it was taken away, from us, from everyone..

He knew the type of crying it was, little, stripped, cornered, starved us terrified for ourself. We did to. We kept trying to think of lots of other ongoing and recent events that gave us reasons to cry but we kept swinging back to knowing exactly what was the matter.

"You don't think he will be back in time do you Mum?"

"Apparently not.. It's all tied up with the past and what they made us do to each other as little kids."

"It always is in Scotland isn't it? Your relationships in Scotland.. your made to feel like they are controlled by things that happened during the abuse years ago.. and they set it all up.. then .. and .. now."

We were too proud of him to keep feeling as bad as were. "Yeah. It's determinism, Satanic and Ritualised. Slavers and desposts having been using it throughout .. like all the ages." We winced at ourself at turning into a vague teen to our son on the subject of our life's work. There was a little silence. We were lying on our stomach and really noticing how much better we were starting to feel, we could feel our toes in our socks they felt clean and warm and comfortable.

"But it's worse in Scotland isn't it? Thats why they never let you leave." Then he proceeded say everything we needed to hear and some.

We think we went "fuck it" enough to remember/get his number after the very real meeting where you said you felt I just wanted to get with you as a means to get out of Scotland because you obviously weren't there to see we weren't on game mode we were on this is it this all the life we get and so far its been really shit mode.  You came and talked to us after we got off the phone still seemingly convinced that we could see you as a stepping stone to somewhere else. It was devastating.

We remember staring at the bedside cabinet next to the bed opposite trying to keep our brain as calm as possible because we were seeing all the un used paint here at the house and were scared we were going to actually start hallucinating the paint and then get up to paint our home as an escape for everything that was happening on the ward and as proof of how we actually operated. We weren't packing bags. We couldn't think of a much more scarier place than an airport in the state we were in. We wanted, needed to go home and make the place more liveable while we wait for a way to get out that involves the least amount of trauma and danger. You were mentioning Palermo weren't you? And we kept looking at you as our mind boggled at how much we would have to tell you before we would be comfortable taking you to Palermo, the more you talked the more we felt we would have to tell you. We didn't know if what you were saying was for someone else's benefit. It didn't matter though because they way you were talking to us and the time that you were doing it just seemed so unforgivable. Just like they like it.

We called you a cunt to the other girls when you left.

"Remember it's all bullshit to keep you down and confused Mother."

You were of course, for the most part in a worse state than us and that possibly might make it forgiveable but there was all the fucking triggers. You seeing Guzman and Gallagher and Provanzano or the institutionalised stuff and what they have done to us here and what we are and what we do in places like Palermo cant be. Without knowing us and our work then the programming they put you through got you worse. You were too scared we were as scary as all the things that had you already. To scared of them getting us like they had you when we knew it wasn't possible in all the same ways because we know about us and Palermo and other places. It was very lonely for us.

You got it eventually. There's no point hating yourself for fucking up when you haven't done it yet and you seemed to be settled enough with it that we felt there was at least the possibility that you wouldn't be too too late or some of us anyway.

Some of us began thinking sarcasticly that since you put the idea in our head that maybe there was some way for to use you to get us to Sciliy or somewhere but we knew we were covering up heart break. There was just too many signs that we would be here without you and we got lost on what was the bad stuff we were programmed years ago to see and here and what was the bad stuff now.

You couldn't reach us. We had been warned off enough we weren't sure if it was you who did some of the warning. We still arn't. After some of the statements we made though we knew we would crumble and we too weak to fight of all the warnings and all the clever triggers. All that leads to shut down survival mode which is heartbreaking because we never shut down that much for long but never know what happened and are too scared to ask.

We have spent so much time convincing ourself that you and we are lost but it started so early, there has been so little time to grow and the thought of how much love pisses of evil pricks has always made it impossible to move on completely. When your not in contact we need you and at the same time have a head full of bad images and moments with you and we know some of them are real and some won't be and can't know as much as we need to. The longer it goes the more we just want to be done with it but articulating that thought internally or out just causes turmoil and specific horror triggers. We want the feeling of being whole that we get from being with you but we want to walk away from all the crap left over from being slaves who were raped together and ritually abused together. Whenever we saw how little a sense of self you you had of being a being that was outside of the world they gave us we would weep for us both because we didn't we could make it if you didn't and we couldn't see how us together would survive at all and we remembered why we hated Earth.

So many times we tried to find routes to ourself while avoiding remembering much about you. It was impossible though yous were just to close to too of the center's of too many mes. For all our hating of arranging your own or someone else we wanted so much to know we had a future together. We said them at least once that it was just well there was so much evil determinism about because if there wasn't I might of fallen into evil determinism just because we fancied we boy.

We couldn't take you or anyone else a lot of places we went to. Really couldnt of taken you. You were our centre. Some of them maybe but the risks were so high. But we never came back to the same you and when we could and did take you with us we could see in your eyes that you rarely believed it. We hated ourself for having to leave you here but when had only limited time out of chains we had to push the limits of what we could do and what we could know. We had to know on our own terms before the bastards push ourself our someone else there.

Sure. You needing time to do the same for yourself makes sense and sure my misery at you not being here is not the same as the violence and the grooming you were getting back then. It's just that it far from safe out there and you can be such an idiot we worry you are just being sucked into some other shit that we can't have anything to do with.