books are good

Quite heavy work that listing and identifying parts. We can feel how much some feel like they haven't been included. Like most of the non English speakers, scientific and technical parts who experience levels of integration and system awareness that we can't imagine from here. Seeing us write that we feel how left out they feel helps them. Knowing that you don't know parts of yourself who have complex lives and loves and the deep estrangement this creates is an emotional state we know we have been told to stay in and be triggered to return to often. We also know we have made commitments that need high levels of integration to be able to meet.

It's worked out really well Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving arriving. There is plenty of work to do at the level of thinking about complex trauma without remembering all the instructions and grooming it feels safer to be thinking in more general terms about how Complex PTSD works with or without ritual abuse and DID managers. Really liking it. Liking being in a place where there isn't total phobia about the complex ptsd, the DID and everything accept for denial, avoidance states and emotional states.

When we have read cptsd stuff before one of the things that made it impossible because the often talk about family homes and parents. The role they talked about interms of seeking acceptance is one that in our world best fitted the people who were training and programming but we were phobic of thinking about our childhood where "parents" meant a network of people involved in abusing, enslaving children and older or adult slaves. The denial day to day response is to think about the Scottish family which was of course a toxic and horrifically abusive environment. As neither response was acceptable to the parts that are perfectionist because neither are preciously "true", normal and acceptable, inclusive enough. .. So many different ideals of perfectionism to try and maintain. How many "parents" were we trying to get acceptance from? Awful.

We are beginning to be able to see all as "true" to different parts of us and accept their histories and not to catastophise so much when we can not figure out when they are from, we have figured our a lot and more will work itself out as long as we keep looking after our self and over time.

We are eating and drinking a lot of chocolate and. Even been dabbling in coffee again. It's a lot to have survived and a lot to process. We wouldn't say we are confident of everything that did and didn't happen in the hospital but we feel we are getting a better understanding of it. Slowly of course. We can't bully parts into giving up their histories like outside people have.

Time for more cake... and coffee..

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