August 24, 2016

I hate evil - me to

How do I feel it asks. How do I feel after reading about dissociation and being told by such books that I should be working with them with an appropriate therapist.  I feel anger towards the NHS and hundreds or thousands of health service providers that are covering up for Savile and co and every other NHS pay roll rapist. I feel dehumanised that disclosers are labelled as fantasies and delusions and real fear from real experience and understandings about hows rings work are dismissed as paranoias.  I feel very unsafe of course I do. I believe in national health services. I also know British NHS was and is a safe place for abusers and enablers who are not going to care about messing with files, have you seen what they do to people? They love to gloat and prove to you that it doesnt matter who you are and what you do a few words from a ring member in your file and no one will ever trust you even if your words are proven true. The words aren't needed anyway the culture is so seeped in victim blaming and bitter denial they can't help but hate you for speaking out.

He's gone. Of course he is gone. They got him when I was about three or four. Nasty brain damage, tonnes of programming so he could speak and eat, life on rails. His voice and his light went out like so many others but the flesh they keep to toy with and use as a weapon against others stays. As does some of their own words or the words they heard that was important to them at the time of the procedures/assaults. Bertie gloated over being the one who done it and we said yeah we know and wasn't it the reason that Graham did it to him just for the fuck of it and Graham hadn't ever done that before? He didn't have much to say. The victims are rarely given much responses to being told their brains have been seriously physically messed with.

It was a huge lose. He was amazing. Beautiful insight, so clever and funny unbelievable good on stalking and recon and record keeping and they took it all.

Like we've said before through. So many of the feelings are still there. Puberty causes so much brain upheaval anyway that depending on the injury and the situation a lot of healing can happen or could happen. If you were in Scotland in the 90s your injuries and your situation don't make for a lot of hope.

So many of us just refused to get close to any of our babies or anyone encase it happened again but especially junior. It's not like they wouldnt be trying, its what they do and we look very vulnerable sometimes even when we really arn't. They knew they could use him to get our attention, to bring us down, to push us over.

We would be amnesiac somewhere far, far away sometimes and things could be going so well but it would still be there eating away at us, how much we had lost. We would try and blame it on other loses sometimes quite convincingly but sooner or later someone would force it or we had to come back to things even worse than what we imagined they would be without you. It was so hard to not resent you sometimes but the fact that they were waiting for it cravenly helped with that.

It's still going to hurt for a long time but hopefully will start to feel better now.