August 31, 2016

It's September tomorrow

We often have to take a break from the books when we start getting clearer pictures of abusive outside DID management. So often we are not phobic of the trauma parts as there are parts who are phobic about the consequences if they don't stop amnesiac and non amnesiac parts from interacting. We worked through so much but then they would push us back again, in the hospital of course was the last time, there were phone calls and people turning up that we couldnt handle without outside help. When we came round and they were putting a noose around our neck, was the closest but there were other times to. Parts were flashbacking and blind didnt know what was going on. If it wasn't for the kid screaming I'm not sure where we would of got the will from to fight hard enough. She did though and we did and are still here to vaguely write about it and how quickly we switch from lost child to omg im so glad you just tried to kill me i was totally loosing the will to live there..

She's alright she stays connected to parts that feel quite spiritual and they help her not loose her self and the rest of us with her in nihilistic sarcasm.  Through their designs and our own work trauma parts don't come alone. They of course want them to all come with very powerful critics or whatever keeps them in a state of panic and most likely to make other parts be phobic and abandon them. It was amazing to hear what we have done with that system. Instead of someone spouting and showering hate on them triggered parts hear the voices or see pictures of whatever calms or lifts them. Instead of a fighter part being told "good girls don't fight" and "you know what they are going to do you for that." we hear voices saying well done for keeping us safe and trying to make them laugh to bring them out of flashback. To have other people around to help us with us its always so good but have to mourn the loss of so much more when it's over. The more you stay the more I'll get better and the more I'll be able to fight.. Everything is almost always ridiculously complicated and everyone has major post trauma conditions and ongoing traumatic relationships that have everyone trying to keep their chins above water though all the endless intentional triggering of the most programmed of the trauma holders.

It is worth reminding ourself that there was a lot of all kinds of trauma on the ward and we had to focus of getting out so trying to remember or make sense of any of took a back seat. "Please don't be human to us if you know you are going to leave us here." It's an old line but we used it in the hospital but I think it might of been from a place that thought she was still on a Savile ward there was a lot going to to encourage her to think that. We managed to remind her he was dead and we made a statement about him and that helped her a lot, she was so proud of us. It didn't matter that we gave the statement to an abuser and the police were almost all still abuser controlled, she knew that she was just so glad we had done everything we could.  When she calmed a part that must of been stuck behind her joined the conversation about doing things that make you feel like you haven't abandon yourself because the worst of the depression and the way programmers get in is by finding parts that feel hated or ignored by all other parts. We pretty much knew this but she said it so eloquently and so humanely many where quite in awe of her until someone walked in the bay and said something. We really resented the interruption.

Someone definitely found a way in during programming to make us triggered by being left into feeling completely used and abandoned by everyone. There was a lot to us that we couldnt and wouldnt let the Brit rings or the worst of the American's know about so had to keep parts amnesiac and this led to those who had no experience of these other worlds feeling very abandoned. They really had nothing and no one and are too hurt to be able to understand why we couldn't help them, as we are too hurt now to be able to understand why we have been left alone.