August 25, 2016

"keys"

Rest and appreciate what we have whenever we can.

There is the book case with our books and toys on it. Survivor work books with pages filled in others that took us from a lost place to one grounded and understood. Books relating to our degree. We would to like study again some day and maybe we will do a little reading today or maybe not it's good the books are there either way. There is also the photo of Pablo in the glass work frame in blues because we knew we were pregnant with Pablo but its pretty to thing to have even if we were wrong about who we were carrying. He's in the bath giving huge gummy smiles to his mum taking his picture. There tonnes of meaning and significance to loads of with it of course but it's easy just to appreciate it as a cute picture of a baby. We have colouring books and pens and toys on that book case to. We feel happy and proud to have collected and kept a hold of some many good books and toys. We feel some sadness about books that there is things missing but glad of the good work we have done. There is maybe some concern that we are not strong enough for what we have to do next but that is why it is good that we are resting. We don't want to do everything dissociated any more and the bookcase is full of tools that have helped us be less dissociated and can help lead us to what else we need.

When we can see past the role of the NHS and the triggers that lead to parts being told in the past that helplessness and hopelessness is all they will ever know books can really help. We reading Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation (Boon, Steele Van Der Hart) and am really glad to see us responding to it and not just turning away. It talks about finding anchors and using awareness of objects in the room to help stay present its the kind of thing we do all the time and it becomes automatic. It's good to bring it back into our conscious awareness and focus again. It's good to feel it's safe to be self aware.

We have been looking at chapter three which looks at different parts and starts by differentiating between ones that are responsible for day to day functioning and being in denial and others types that are stuck in the petrifying past. We are really comfortable with the description of types and feel we would like to try and use it to map ourself out better. We can see now how it was parts in combinations that cause us to be really ill and how those combinations are forced together and manipulated. So good to not have that "can't face that" feeling about working ourself out its always comes with sense that we are letting ourself and others down and bad things are happening because we can't face ourself. We know those feeling come from parts who are still in hell and for whatever reason must stop us from doing any work and parts that feel responsible for everything that happens everywhere and we know the specfic moments when patterns took old but we know those traumas are here and other parts and see them. Our abuser imitator parts might be sarcastic about it but out helper parts have reached the hurt and petrified ones and they must be responding to them or we wouldnt be able to read the book so calmly or write this.

Cynicism and sick jokes are the abuser imitator parts we notice the most daily. Our day to day denial parts are iritated usually more than bothered by them they are aware of very central mom/leader type part who us told her something about the system we are in but mostly to not to worry about weird stuff, it's not our job to deal with that. I guess when we are really in a mess and falling apart in all kinds of dissociative types and states its when we cant feel this leader/mom part and are terrified. What happens to her doesn't feel like its the kind of memories that we have now accepted are there and will look at them more if and when we need to. They feel much more hidden, unreachable but of course we do know we have been ritually abused and have remembered  a good bit about what that can involve so that helps us feel less triggered by the amnesia. Shame parts, yep we have shame part/s who seem to come out freeze everything particularly over the amnesia and it being exposed. Rape victim shame we just don't feel like we did sometimes as a child or teenager but amnesia shame. We get it really bad and it of course makes the amnesia so much worse. They forced her to be an in emergency day to day duties part then told her she had to do that job forever when she is a amnesiac shame E.P. No wonder we couldnt cope.

There are definitely messenger parts with us. There are more than one. Some are better are giving information with whatever answer, message or instruction they have and are obviously helper parts to. Others are precocious teens that will only give attitude or silence if parts ask for more information. Think in the hospital a day to day part asked a messeger what was going on we heard a perfect teenage girl meltdown that parts had no problem recognising as themselves to. She expressed what everyone else was thinking at the time "I have no idea and every time I almost fine out something else happens that puts everyone back to square one with no idea who, where or what we are and how the fuck would I know and you not anyway". A mum kicked in eventually and soothed everybody just by talking slowly and confidently and getting everyone to be more mindful.

Book talks about "passive influence", the way "Any part may intrude on and influence the experience of the part that is functioning in daily life without taking full control.." (p26) .. We have a lot of paranoia about that when things are not good. Knowing our senses our perceptions could be being severely messed with. We were born into some very serious situations and all but the most amnesiac and repressed day to day stuff have at least some vague notion of this. Feeling unsure of your senses and unsure of in how much danger your in is also a really unpleasant place to live.

"And most parts that function in daily life are phobic of parts stuck in trauma-time." (p29) Isnt. That. The Truth. We talk all this talk about having DID and its like really cool we have accepted it and are making the most of it but its bollocks. Not that we are not proud of the fact that many of the attempts to trigger us into a trauma state don't work because of the work we do but there is still massive amounts of fear and uncertainty about what we are capable of and who we are. Still know we have no idea how far we would go to avoid something.

The worst phobias for us if we talking about amnesia being the main sign of phobia in the day to day parts is the fighters. The fighters themselves have to be able to get any information they need quickly they are not amnesiac of very much. There are fighters that are from before and after certain breaks and they can be strangers to each other but usually they don't say much and know everything. They are desperate to be seen by the day to dayers they hate the low self esteem and the weakness they feel and also just need their work to keep everyone safe recognised. They do tend to know that there are day to dayers that feel the same way and are desperate to see them but the amnesia is thick. We get little flashes that must be of someone else and have to fight to know anything before its all cleaned up and back to normal. We also speak to parts to do know the fighters though and they carry a heavy burden being the go between parts who for some reason cant reach each other directly but who need to and who keep reaching.

It's not our own violence that is the issue its their history. The switch between being mostly amnesiac and being mostly not we from here anyway can't build any bridges even though we have had to do it thousands of times. We generally have had the attitude that its being very directly abuser enforced because over the years there has been many times we have managed to watch it happening to see how unnatural and forced it sometimes was. We do believe we have been in places and situations where it didn't happen. It's very much a British thing higher end trafficking thing, slaves should never be aware of their own potential.. The greater their potential the more they must not know.

Cunts..

Intoxicated/medicated parts of course not mentioned so far but I think we will.. They can be the go betweens across lands and barriers no other bastard can. There is also that thing of feeling the effects or something you haven't taken. Parts would come to us when we were experimenting asking if they could just be called the name of drug from know on because they wouldn't be coming out without it again. Some meant it to. It's quite tricky trying to give yourself drug enhanced interrogations but we would tape ourself or get someone to ask certain parts questions after taking something to try and find something out.  We stopped experimenting because the day to day parts would fade away to quickly and it would be overwhelming. Something is needed sometimes to help when systems are overwhelmed of course though and when we think about how there was efforts to make sure we had only parts stuck in trauma being making any amnesiac life impossible through violence and control we understand the cannabis use.

So I guess I need to and I am tentatively organising and creating a functioning day to day present and anchored rather than dissociated and amnesiac part and move away from the utterly utterly exhausted trauma holders that through all the constant fucking attacks were forced to attempt to function with day to day responsibilities who are refusing to handover over full time to any parts who don't understand enough about what it means to be us "day to day" and how important it is to be moving away from amnesiac dissociation because of the all round anxiety internally and external vulnerability. It always breaks our heart when we have to from knowing and remembering to not knowing. The last time was in the hospital. It's always horrible having to force yourself under. No fun for anyone who cares about me to see it either.