August 26, 2016

The ones they can't reach and the ones we can't protect.

What else have we got? Speakers, there is a strong sense often when we make statements or are in meetings of this is my job and I believe and love my job whenever we speak.  I think they are parts that grew out of other much more trauma stuck parts after being helped and showed how by outside people. They encouraged us to look at parts and see what they needed and introduce them to other parts so they could support each other. So a part that was forced and trained to feel and hear nothing but questions and do anything to answer them for abusers who had the keywords and procedures so only they could bring them out and putting them away could grow being part of a group who were eloquent and very good at receiving information but not at other parts expense like a petrified isolated E.P would.

Think from here we see parts that are "allowed" or can be seen and parts that are supposed to only influence or help but never speak or show themselves. Many of them of them were created for jobs through the ritualised torture and keep themselves behind the scenes because they feel their traumas would be too much for most other parts and because the some of structures forced on parts during all the decades of torture and mental abuse are still present and still very much being triggered. There is at least one who will come out, speak and does know a lot about what is good for us but not always individual parts of us but day to day parts are mostly used to her swanning around doing pretty much whatever she likes because she usually knows what she is doing and understands where she has been when the rest of us know we have no idea what she has been through and how she managed to survive and thrive after.

Of course when this kind of trafficking where people force and instruct victims into having specialist parts to do all kinds of jobs who are supposed to be E.Ps but it doesn't always work like that. We can see the outside systems gave us a lot of helping these parts integrate but can remember how awful it feels when they are not. There are outside bastards who like to try and force us into the states we would be in if we never had any help at all and they have the run of the mill here in Scotland it's why we have parts that had to stop our healing skills to protect us from these outside bastards. These parts are now saying they are downing tools because they arn't needed anymore. It's good but we are bit unsure if its because the bastards don't have the power they used to or because we are permanently stuck in a state that the bastards are happy with. Cynical me needs help. But we don't think we have what she needs or can give her what she wants because it's the outside world that made her cynical not us. She wants the outside world to make her less cynical but we will try and think of ways to help her.

Social worker is coming round later. We cancelled pysch yesterday but can't get out of this besides we are enjoying keeping the house clean at the moment and hearing her acknowledge it. It's so much better after the painting and now the anxiety and amnesia is down we can do it feeling like it's just part of our day to day life not all of it. Our mind can wonder and remembers good things that happened and good people when we clean not just the bad and then suddenly finding myself cleaning like I would if being forced to clean when held somewhere. Besides. The bastard fleas and still going for dude and the cats were treated again yesterday so its a good time to hoover. Horrible things.. After we finish our mocha and this of course..