..dear reader..

Our foot is quite fucked up. Noticeably swollen and hot and quite quite painful. Think the digging in the garden was what triggered it. Not looking forward to Niall asking why we are limping the digging in the garden bothering old injury is fine but we can't get into what those old injuries are. There's horrilble slaver violence in there and of course the doctor fainting on out foot in hospital last year so fuck knows if that even happened. It feels more the foot than the ankle but there was that time away with Laura and Gran and kids and we went for a big long walk and got talking out by gravel on the side of the road. It was a nasty one. There was a lady getting out her car heard the scream and the expletives and hang about to offer help. We took the walking stick but refused the life back to camp.. really struggled accepting the help and really badly needed to. We could mention that but it really is the foot and not the ankle.. Stocked up on ibuprofen gel, ibuprofen and par...

Big asda shop with holidays supplies order is in, sirlions or the first night & red of course. There's a pretty decent suitcase here that by its good condition we are presuming was Margo's and its pretty big so plenty room for lovely picnic food and booze. Was planning on getting clothes and at least one hair cut today but will wait until the money has cleared. There is a lot coming out.. Asda doing 3 for £3 on the dinky toilettiries and we are wanting to encourage to lad to be a bit more independent on the hygiene front.. assorted wipes, and bags to keep stuff organised and take food with us to the beach and stuff.. Doubt pabs will too enthusiastic about the cup soups and noodles but it might be different if there is not much else and he's been out all day and is starving.. We arn't focused too much on it, we've thought the thoughts before when they just weren't true but there is lots of firsts in all this isn't there.. most likely. It is the fir...

Hi Honey, I thought we were too tired to write but then we started getting impressions of what was on the other side of the door once w got back from slaying the stupid supers. Between the front door and the room upstairs we can't remember specifics and don't want to it was clear they really didn't want anyone getting in. You and others in there were so starved, so skeletal, everything so awful we still struggle with the time we spent fed and safe and wishing we had come back sooner. Really wish you were here. It just hurts too much without you. You know. Been a good day today though the sun shone the whole time and we were outside for most of it and have done more gardening. It is really quite amazing the work we have done its really beautiful. You would cry to see it! Trying not to think too much about how much more spectacular it would be if there had been just a bit more sunshine.  There would be so many more flowers!! There is quite a few as it is though and some ...

ohmygod she is doing my head in.. We said today to. The addiction talk on loops. We told her to stop saying she is come off everything. It totally undermines all the sensible talk about getting her own place and getting help, rehab. She is living completely surrounded by a miserable past and not like us this miserable past can and will gossip about her and fairly treated like a child by her parents by the sounds of it so we did try encourage her to focus on one thing at a time instead of rambling on making ridiculous empty addict promises. Particularly bad for the ye olde self hate talk today to the point where we end up doing what we ended up doing with Laura and that was bringing up what happened before the drugs and the partying started knowing fine she would hate it but having tried everything else she could think of to stop the drone of sexual abuse victim putting themselves down. It's not like we haven't told her our past is horrific. It was impossible not to think of La...

yuck we keep not feeling any better and its shit. Nothing seems to be helping but its what happens when do the stuff very violent abusers have told you not to ever do. It will get better. Get so tired of destroyed mental health though the just never feeling deeply okay. .. ... Woke up feeling better today though. Much better. Still in bed and wont be going far from it but comfy and its raining again anyway. So yeah in bed. Feeling better and burning through the lay on weed we had to get because we get messed up on the trainline site and double booked non refundable tickets. We also order a disabled rail card because we ticked that box and that was another 20.. I think even if it doesn't come in time it wont be a problem because we have already paid for non disabled adult tickets anyway.. oh well.. We have also sorted out a new phone because the old one has been busted about half the time for months and months. Much anxiety it has caused when trying to reply to weed related te...

Hey Hubs, lol! We can talk to you can't we or at least at you a bit. We get a bit shy with our parents when we haven't seen them in a while. We need to say it!! That audio slave cunt and the evil fucked up prick from the one of the lost profit bands. They were quite active in the slavery and horror that us kept us down. Made for the job of course but they cant be churning out someone who has tortured us many times of several decades overnight. We know we did a shit load of damage to the systems behind the high profile scenes. We just couldn't get near the media and entertainment ones. They are not looking so scary now!!! Was him that time in St Andrews with Margo and her mum quite pregnant and going round the charity shops, get out of the house for a while and he walks past, the fucking way he looked at us. The notice the signs of affluence that you cant have triggers that we don't generally get if its just some rich fuck and some rich fuck who is involved in traffic...

We double booked our non refundable train tickets..Fuck ups are expected & that is quite a nippy one money wise. We are going to have to take even more money from Niall wot with the week we are away being skint week.. Very glad to have a few days away from our discomfort zone home anyway. There is part/s we are concerned about though. The ones that were told they would never go any where for fun or comfort. They are to be taken places to be used, they do not going on glamping trips with their son. They don't laugh, they don't know how to have fun, they don't know how to feel safe or loved or loving. They are supposed to be the parts that they develop into being abuser prostitutes that will agree to anything being done to them and agree to doing anything to anyone else. We can remember standing in Skene as they tried to talk us into giving up on ourself and not being as the only way to survive. They didn't know how many of there was, who had had what done when so ...

Several excuses to be slightly pissed these evening. It's Tuesday for one and that is generally reason enough, it's also been sunny. We finished off replacing the crappy planks that made  a tiny border in front of the fence, it's great to have it finally done we are quite chuffed, we have been giving those planks dirty looks since Margo had the lease on this place. Also, late last night sleepless and agitated we ended up looking to see if there was any wee holidays available for me and the lad and did find a possible but figured the feeling wouldnt last. It did come during the day though our mood is so shitty we have to do something and we have been feeling quite excited about the eye food and the time somewhere else with junior. ... Not so pissed now. Sleepless & bloated. Head full of gang rape. And much excitement about the trip, been pouring over the websites an feeling like stuff we have been putting off like get a phone that works and I doubt we could get an ap...

Husband, Husband, Husband. Bits and bobs are coming back now from all the decades. It's sunnyish outside. We are still in bed.   Runnin low on weed again we have gone through so much. We remember how much we have always felt at home sitting on your lap at any age. How we can't help waiting for you because you told us to long ago to and we really tried to forget it but couldn't. We are watching us slide in and out of denial. Its quiet fascinating. We are not going to say it was better when all images of you that came up internally were instantly banished to parts we couldn't talk to. We had to we knew we had it wasn't safe, it was very unsafe and we would remember when it was safe to be us but the longer we kept ourself and were kept down the harder it was to come back, to recognise us at all. It's just you that has us wanting to cry all day today. We did get up not too late though and we can imagine we might feel better tomorrow enough to garden or som...

Looks like another bed day then.. Little bits and pieces do get done in the evening. And its raining. Stupid uni/university town dreams again. Before we woke up we were standing outside with a crowd waiting to go into a lecture and the tutor was there chatting about the course and everyone else seemed to know each other and if they were in the right place or not. We may have dreamed this before where we decide this is not working and walk away from the lecture and whatever course we are supposed to be doing for good. It be good to not those dream any more, a lot of it is quiet literal we were registered at a old University, we loved the degree there was no degree we wanted more but abuse, abusers, poverty made it impossible. Those parts made for uni still seem to be waiting at the door with the stationary packed and oh so keen. It's obvs not just a "uni" and "a uni town" where everyone else is connected enough to each other and has a concentration span that m...

Hey Honey, Took some of pals painkillers tonight. She actually got a bit pushy with them we have told her before that we prefer getting wasted alone and writing and she didn't look to impressed. But we do. We would rather use them to help us remember and talk to you than listen to her deviate between between going on about how lovely drugs are to saying she is going to come of the pills. She has said that enough times that when she asked us if we were annoying us tonight we said "a little bit".. Our phone has died it seems now to so she probs thinks I'm ignoring her. Shame. It is trying though listening to addictions talking. Not sure what you would think about her apart from the obvious stuff about her not being the utter sicko they set us up with last time but you don't like that she can be a bit oblivious to us. She does try to draw us out but all the drug talk can have us a bit triggered and tense. She has told us way more than she is not comfortable with...

Wonder if we will do a better job today at leaving the house or gardening? Or not hating ourself for not doing stuff. Well not doing stuff, not yet anyway. My God. What a state. Those poor babies. A mean what woman doesn't fantasy about trussed up like a royal show pony to display their newborns like they are pieces of bling. Wow they look so safe, respected and cared for.. wish it was me and mine.. Gotta be grateful its not a exhausted, messy hair, sleeping newborns, smiling parents shot that would of got to us more because it so normal, so hard to reject and but so impossible for us. You'll be struggling.  Scum bags having preparing us for this forever and its underestimated how much we knew, understood, was embedded in the higher levels of all this shit so we didn't see people as the terrifying hate filled gangs out to get us we saw absent meat puppets that had no idea what they were doing and were incapable of registering never mind acting on the strings or the s...

Gonna write about the pal. Not sure if its gonna end up being about the nasty controlled relationships in the past or just a good bitch coz we got no one else. "The usual" a history of sexual abuse and no support with it producing self destructive behaviour and relationship patterns. Genuinely heart breaking of course. Trusted family member or friend so she swears of ever telling her family who she is otherwise really close with. Drugs and shitty relationships etc after that. She turned away from the abuse into drugs instead of into it like Elaine did. We are not going to walk in on her telling the adorable little fucker than she is going to kill him, she isn't doing the same on worse to her lovely wee lad. We do have to hear shit like "didn't want to eat because it would ruin ma stone." from a grown ass working mother.  Gonna look an Amazon for more bday presents.. She has helped her mood and got us up and about a bit today when we were quite abyssed up...

Thank fuck that week is over. Now we have a load of shopping delivered and plenty supplies. There is quite a lot of booze. We know you have told us to not feel guilty about the parenting from bed. We can't and that all there is to it. It isn't going to make it easier to spot the moments when we could manage. It's early yet anyway. Flesh does seem to be letting a fair bit of it out. It doesn't feel like a flood though more of a steady, managable flow and there is always someone around who is familiar with whatever it is to keep the anxiety and phobias down. Once we know what we are grounded on and in its stops feeling quite so lost. Well mentally anyway. We are kinds of lost emotionally.  Like running back to bed and not even opening the back door even though it isn't raining and there are sunny patches. We are thinking about you and how you used make safe, warm and comfortable. How you used to try and hide and protect me from your fake mother. Your biological m...

Anti depressants helping again maybe need to stop running out every month. It's often been docs bloody fault though. Two months in a row we put in for it in time and never got it. Not this month though we fucked it up this time. Hate seeing that fuckers name on the repeat prescriptions sheet. We couldn't handle NHS shit when we moved here. We were asked and agreed or even said his fucking name. It was horrible and we were already in such a horrible place. Thats how it works. We been thinking Ally a bit past few days and all the awfulness that is probably unravelling in his adult kids heads now that he has been dead for a good while. Awful. And of course a heart broken young lad who was crying because the little girl he was looking after didn't want to call him or think or him as Daddy. We blamed the DID and showed him the parts who did see him as their Dad but the it made the rest of us comfortable because we knew we didn't love him like. This is the second time ar...

Man these are quite like it used to be a lot pain levels. Pal came round and gave us some weed and that is very good she we also burst on various pills, talking about having lost weed, off the to get ready for her work and leaving her kid with family that are on tap.. which wasn't so good though. We can't help having a peak at whatever she asks us to chuck out for her. Not to the extent of unknotting a carrier bag or anything although we might of today.. we know the chances of her having missed any are extremely slim but we are in actual physical pain in that old place. We weren't up for asking her we have no money for the weed and we know that like us and the weed there just can't be enough pills for her. Just sounds so scary to us though. But one of just about anything she knocks back in handfulls would be quite helpful today probably. She fucking gave us weed though and we are reasonably certain not rapist who has raped us and not directly involved with violent whit...

Mornings. We a bit better. Played the game a bit last night and enjoyed it. Must of not had too bad dreams.We are still in bed feeling like we can't do anything and the crappy repetitions and unnatural internal loudness is still pretty high but we don't feel quite so physically weak and all vulnerable. People who are not physically close don't feel so so far away as much. They feel real and loving.  Forgot a pill earlier on in the week and are a bit achey but we had a bath, had clean clothes to put on, made some pasta for our supper and now we are comfy and in bed. The new pal has shared her weed with us so we are not without when we would of been. Might not of had at all since she is the one with the contacts. She scarily into pills. We asked how the hell she pooped she said she didn't. That she had gone months in the past. We mentioned that could kill her to. We are like that. I wish she was a bit better read about the dangers in what she's doing we only vagu...

Antidepressant withdrawal is maybe a factor in particularly crippling depression even with the weed over the last couple of days. We forgot this month unlike most months where we have to put in for it twice. Garden is barely getting looked at and its been quite nice today so that's a shame. Spoke to the chemist and the prescription should be available tomorrow so hopefully we might have more of a chance of pulling ourself up a bit and appreciate how much work we have done a bit better soon. We. Can. Remember. It is fucking momentous but of course we don't care so much about that because it's so awful and we knew knowing more about why we feel and act the way we do was not going to make it all radically and instantly better. We would be left in the same place in the same body with one less crutch and as much as we hate that particular crutch more than any other we knew we were still gonna end up on our arse which is where we are. But we can think a bit about all the for...

Too depressed for Skyrim.. thats bad.. Not interested in TV or twitter either reminding us that there isn't or helping us pretend that there is a place and people for us here. We know there isn't we had to get anyone who was out before they were murdered or turned to full time meat puppet. Had to talk to the lad about all the correcting he does again, try and explain that when my mood is very low we can find it really hard to talk sometimes and get words mixed up and please don't tell me I'm wrong every single time especially when he knows what I mean.. I don't expect you to always be nice but please try to be kind and not right sometimes. No one likes being constantly corrected. Wish we had more help in explaining our situation instead of full time immersed in shitty culture and abusers filling his head with be horrible to mummyness that no one remembers them putting there without serious help and wanting that help so it's extremely rare. Gonna be a long nig...

Dreams got us all messy. We almost won influence over our dreams this now when they were being programmed back in the nineties. Almost. After the loss of everything and everyone positive in our life we had a lot of hope pinned on it, believing that we would spend the next decades knowing we would get our head back in the summer of 2017. But it didn't happen. Nothing but hate and slavery surrounded us so we lost that to and have spent the last twenty plus years completely hopeless about our life here. Of course we saw when little how much horror was planned for us so we programmed ourself to survive and fight when we still had the will and the knowledge. It's not there would be any changes to the plans thats not how it works its a machine, its not alive, it doesn't grow and it isn't related to real ongoing events. Its cloudy but there is sunny spells and no wicked wind but we don't even want to sit out or do work in the garden. It seems like silly and stupid today...

Too much cloud and wind taking away any lasting warmth out there and we are feeling to weak to get anything done out there.  Shitty sweaty dreams. I'm sure their was a butterfly at some point, we are interpreting that as positive. Heading into skint week with nothing left over doesn't bloody help but we did what we could to make ourself feel better when we could. Washing has been brought in, out and more in the machine but its hard to escape the sense of floudering. We don't been the same can't go any where because of our mental health its can't go anywhere because it's not safe and we have nothing but horrible memories out there..We are bored and we hate it. Our new pal will help but the schools are off so we have lost our sense of freedom and peace for the littles and others when he is at school and as always they are very anxious about how its going to be and how they are going to cope with him being around with no one to help us with him twenty four seven...