July 09, 2017

This is my Daddy!

Anti depressants helping again maybe need to stop running out every month. It's often been docs bloody fault though. Two months in a row we put in for it in time and never got it. Not this month though we fucked it up this time. Hate seeing that fuckers name on the repeat prescriptions sheet. We couldn't handle NHS shit when we moved here. We were asked and agreed or even said his fucking name. It was horrible and we were already in such a horrible place. Thats how it works.

We been thinking Ally a bit past few days and all the awfulness that is probably unravelling in his adult kids heads now that he has been dead for a good while. Awful.

And of course a heart broken young lad who was crying because the little girl he was looking after didn't want to call him or think or him as Daddy. We blamed the DID and showed him the parts who did see him as their Dad but the it made the rest of us comfortable because we knew we didn't love him like. This is the second time around at least or good as. There was so much determinism out there. We knew and were told they knew stuff we needed to know and it was left up to us what would happen to them next but there was never any room or hint of doubt. It and they all had to go.

We wished sometimes that we were everyone else down here who didn't know how it worked, how long it had been going on and what was planned next. They could just stumble about dissociated and blind in the circles drawn for them and not now how much was being lost and that they personally had to find a way to not only survive it but also bring it all down or the suffering would always been unbearable for everyone forever and definitely for ever and we wouldn't be able to stop them from using us for severe evil because thats what happened the last time and in terms of the bare bones of it any way everything was exactly the same or worse because there was sources knew we wouldn't be making the same mistakes twice so they needed to be making sure that we weren't doing anything and they failed obvs in that.

The results of summer wars haven't been dug up or found carefully wrapped and locked up and used by people who have no idea where its from or what it says to creep out little kids for centuries. There attempts and their structures where thats how we would go into them knowing that not matter what we would manage not to be at a certain place at a certain time in a certain state. We would annoyed with ourself for being scared the times it was 100% down to us that that didn't happen. Like we would knowing walk back into the worst and certain death with everything we are and everything we have done but its trauma - amnesia - trauma - amnesia - trauma ... it will do this to anyone. Not everything is recoverable.

Besides the down trodden and given upness needed to be very convincing and sustained or we would never of made it. We would of been slaughtered by local Scottish or British drugged up violent scum after tonnes of others had separated us from any support, injured and exhausted us so much we couldn't stop it. We always remember sooner or later and know not to drop all acts straight away and the people holding us down are mostly not very smart but we still need to figure out how not smart they are because there is always a lot of them.

Did we mention it's all really unfair.

What do we think is going to happen next? Fuck knows. Think it will, or should or definitely hopefully anyway will involve daddy husband. Like we never mothered or fathered him? Pablo's his bloody bairn he needs to be getting him off that fucking couch. We never wanted him to know how we felt or how many horrendous plans there was from very powerful sources. Extremely contradictory plans of course supported by a more powerful much older system that just needs us dead, mute, humiliated, enslaved or at absolute least very very far away. Nothing is omnipotent it is possible to get out of everything's reach and they are going to say that whatever else is nothing, of no interest and worse than them but it just means that its out of there reach and they can't do anything about it.

To some it seems and its at levels where we can't suss it our by the feelings of lots of parts because there is a few of them and whatever feel rightly or wrongly or truthfully or otherwise they know more about everything than us here, that the only possible crack that could lead to a schism in the horror stories that were had everything that was in their reach wrapped up was us. It had been gently suggested by family that this might be the cause with a lot of stressing that our life was ours but abusers got a hold of it to were able to use it against us and get us terrified of it. Us and Earth and the evil as fuck powers that be. We took a detour there and started writing about truth drugs, nothing wrong with it but this is very important to our untangling of the thinking and feeling like we arn't us. Us on Earth by ourself forcing them in all into places where all their interests no longer overlapped so neatly. It was impossible not to get lost in places where we felt we had to deal with at all alone no matter how bad it was.

It broke his heart again when we seemed to be hesitating about fighting for us in the future but it was because where we were and who was around and who was listening. It was then we had to tell him how we really felt and how confident we were we would we want to marry him when we were older and some of the abusers said shit along those lines it wasn't all based on bullshit. We left out the wako physics and ancient shit because we weren't a part that understood any of it and trying to get parts to talk about stuff they don't know about is something cunts did to make us feel confused and unsure of ourself. It wasn't the right time to tell him about the paintings that had been found in Egypt. It was very clear, we were together and we were crowned and we were not slaves. It was beautiful, absolutely breathtaking. We stared at us for ages before we started wondering where we had been painted and something in that had floored us even further. Something that we think over time brought us back to having no fucking choice about fighting for Eurth whether we wanted to or not.  We despised any sense that no matter what we did we we still never have any real choices. We had to fight to the death for a place that systematicly rejected, tortured and enslaved us and that isn't going to make any little girl feel like smiling much.

 If we were going to forced apart from people who looked after us than we had less need to protect them from the truth. It was so hard. We were so little but we are so glad we are forced ourself to do it whenever and as much as we could. That might be when it all started with the truth drugs..

Pac was the only we could really talk to about everything and when he wasn't around and we knew it would be awful for him wherever he was, then remember about our Dad and how it was the same for him and would feel it all winning and us all fading and then hear an internal voice asking us if there was anything, one else and we would remember our mum and our glad and all the crazy amazing women who had been hiding successfully from it all, whilst studying it and attacking and undermining it whenever possible.

What does that help us today though with a belly that demands food but doesn't want to eat. It is raining though so we don't feel like we should get the kid of the sofa so much..

So hard to write his name. Causes actual physical pain. Tupac. but not the one that was dating bloody Madonna, obvs cause she is not nice.