July 12, 2017

Wed

Thank fuck that week is over. Now we have a load of shopping delivered and plenty supplies. There is quite a lot of booze. We know you have told us to not feel guilty about the parenting from bed. We can't and that all there is to it. It isn't going to make it easier to spot the moments when we could manage. It's early yet anyway.

Flesh does seem to be letting a fair bit of it out. It doesn't feel like a flood though more of a steady, managable flow and there is always someone around who is familiar with whatever it is to keep the anxiety and phobias down. Once we know what we are grounded on and in its stops feeling quite so lost. Well mentally anyway. We are kinds of lost emotionally.  Like running back to bed and not even opening the back door even though it isn't raining and there are sunny patches.

We are thinking about you and how you used make safe, warm and comfortable. How you used to try and hide and protect me from your fake mother. Your biological mother never made it off the compounds, you knew her vaguely. I knew and she knew but we never told you. Maybe it was better for you on the day she died when we were escaping one and the broken scum that stay where they are when you unlocked the cages murdered her so she wouldn't get out that you didn't know. You knew there was something up in the way we were crying and hate it when we can't/won't say. We tried, but couldn't.

We couldn't help seeing that someone loved you from the care you took of us. Kids didn't just know how to take good physical care and how to show each other love someone had to have given them moments of it and we saw no sign of it in trafficking scenes that surrounded you but it was very real and if we couldn't help we at least wanted to say thank you. We found out, some how or other and she was been held in the same scenes we were so it wasn't impossible to speak to her, we just had to get locked up in the same cage with her and that took a couple of attempts but worked eventually. She was terrified when we said we knew and it broke our heart to see how relieved she was that you didn't know. It was to dangerous, the violence was to severe and too deadly too often.  She couldn't take her eyes of you. You noticed and mentioned it once. We couldn't say there and then..

We asked her about your bio father but she just dissociated in a way that left us no clues what so ever. Back then we were mostly concerned about it being our Daddy than anything else but we could see by the way people looked at you it was like the way people looked at me, like we are a threat to them just by breathing, like we are walking proof of stuff they need to not be provable. In people who weren't like that we saw the same look of something approaching hope we sometimes saw when people looked at us. We just wished we could be far far away with you and didn't already have lives that were at least half written for us.

We would try and finding where the hell you came from sometimes but would have to stop because of the number of horror stories coming to say trying to pull all sorts and saying it was them. Think we might of heard that someone was getting somewhere with it back in Dundee. If that was true then we the memories we are getting of giving you and your dad the results. You both had the attitude of it not mattering at all until we told you both and well you were there.. It was wonderful. You asked once why we got so quiet whenever you and him were together it was great that you finally knew especially with you getting so cranky when we can't tell you things.

So it is just ridiculous to think you and everything and everyone else would all just abandon me and whitey for ever and ever, him on the sofa me in bed the teeth rotting in our heads like our brains. I'm sorry. You are not happy with me wading through all this here alone either, I'm doing everything I can. I love you to.