July 16, 2017

really done with this being a slave bullshit

Husband, Husband, Husband.

Bits and bobs are coming back now from all the decades. It's sunnyish outside. We are still in bed.  
Runnin low on weed again we have gone through so much. We remember how much we have always felt at home sitting on your lap at any age. How we can't help waiting for you because you told us to long ago to and we really tried to forget it but couldn't.

We are watching us slide in and out of denial. Its quiet fascinating.

We are not going to say it was better when all images of you that came up internally were instantly banished to parts we couldn't talk to. We had to we knew we had it wasn't safe, it was very unsafe and we would remember when it was safe to be us but the longer we kept ourself and were kept down the harder it was to come back, to recognise us at all.

It's just you that has us wanting to cry all day today. We did get up not too late though and we can imagine we might feel better tomorrow enough to garden or something and its been a little while since we felt that. No it wasn't any better when we were working the denial and the amnesia but we could pretend it was, could pretend things could get better just as they are and they we don't just really really need you. We could talk about it, us, you in other languages though and would endlessly with us backed into a corner English speakers picking up your now and again as we talked and could only guess at everything else.

We said we had done it didn't we? All the shit we had to do before we could just be. All the manipulating our own parts to keep secrets and living day to day thinking and feeling like no one knew us and know who cared what happened to us. It's over. It doesn't mean it will change but it can and it will there was enough amazing people there that we believed it we will see you soon and we won't have to separate or be separated and be raped and locked up like we always have been.

It will feel so normal and so good and that's not normal so it will be really weird. Kind of presuming there will be more war but we arn't giving ourself any clues. We remember that guy trying to repeat to us stuff we told him about nowish and the future but we just went deaf because systems were not set up for guys to helpfully try and repeat things we told them to ease our anxieties about the future. He seemed so shocked that I was in state so distant from all my work but it helped him join us and help stop this from being done to me.

We have been kind of having that in mind. The severe contrasts between how we are when first rescued and how we can be if we have been out for a while, how much it must hurt people to see that.

We know its pointless but completely natural to be frustrated with ourself for not organising sorties and our own evacuation or not found a way to have you here in Fife. We could support each other and take the bairn out and be terrified of everyone and everything together! We really seem to be unable to do it ourself thats for sure. And we are getting sick of smoking weed, pal is just getting into it after years and is all enthusiastic but we feel like we are only smoking it because it makes us cry and bit less and be less snappy with junior. She started taking more of an interest.. It's not easy.. We don't feel like going into any detail at all we are glad of the company though she does take our mind of missing you so much though.

It's just not going to go away. We know it never will. The only thing that ever made here better was you and your not here so its never going to get better so you will have to come here or we have to leave it's that simple and it will happen.

I love you.
See you soon.
Please.